Am I being naive about my alcoholic womanising FWB

[shahalo]

Okay so I know this may seem crazy but I met a guy online dating and we were in each others pockets for the first two weeks, then I backed off because I was scared of catching feelings and started dating other guys (not sleeping with anyone else though) after a couple of months we both admitted to each other about our other conquests and we had a six week break from seeing each other, but spoke on the phone every week. We then met again and have carried on seeing each other every week or two for the past six months. I still date other people and he sleeps with other women, none of them lasting more than a few weeks at a time. Our routine is generally the same, I arrive around 7pm we put music on cuddle on the sofa and talk continuously till about 3am, then go to bed because we have to and literally cuddle close the entire night before going to work often late the next day..... 10 days later rinse and repeat. We don't even have sex sometimes and joke at how we are crap FWB. We know an unbelievable amount about each other, I probably should mention he is also a depressed alcoholic and we have discussed the fact he has a sex addiction, we talk about the girls he is sleeping with and sometimes I swipe with him. If I'm being really honest I secretly like the fact that they come and go and I'm the one who lasts. I know this is unconventional but it works for me, anyway recently we have divulged that we care deeply for each other and he has said I am his only friend, which I did question if he was saying that because he knows I would like that and reassured him he had no need to butter me up as I would be here anyway. My only downside is that I would like to be in contact more, maybe once every few days with a check in, how are you doing, but am reluctant to for two reasons, one I think this works because if the time we don't speak so we are always fresh when we do see each other and two he has a lot of other problems so wouldn't want my phonecalls to be a burden, even though it seems that he finds relief in talking to me and crying with me. He has said the reason he likes me so much is because I accept him for who he is and he can be totally himself. Anyway apart from the above I can see the relationship lasting a long time in it's current form, am I being naive?

I think you would be naive to think it will ever be anything more than it is a the moment. And long term it’s not going to be a healthy relationship.

Not sure I'd call it naive. But take a step back and wonder why you are choosing to feel lucky because you've bagged afriendless alcoholic depressive who shags other women but not you that often. That's pretty low self-esteem.

What would you really love to have from a lasting relationship, apart from being able to talk long into the night (which is great but a tiny part of a functioning long term relationship, especially once children are on the scene)? Trust? Security? Respect? Monogamy? Chance to plan ahead for travel and career shifts etc without worrying that your partner is so immature he'll get cold feet at the first sign of thinking about a future with you?

You don't sound naive, you soud aware of who he is and the (imo enormous) limits of what you have together. But you do sound distressingly willing to settle for scraps and I'd look at that and change it.

I agree, but I'm happy with the perfect bubble we have when we are together, I have a very busy life and was in a mundane marriage for a long long time. Ideally this would last a long time in it's current form, but I don't know anyone else in this situation to see if this is possible. I guess the reason I would like to chat every couple of days is because last week I said I wouldn't know if something happened to you and that makes me sad and his response was no one would no as he has noone.....

As ironic as this sounds I would say this is the most honest "relationship" I've ever had, we don't hide anything from each other and can be totally ourselves. I left a 20 year marriage because it was mundane and really don't want to live with anyone again. And I don't feel like he disrespect's me and I have no issue with dissociating sex with feelings, I really don't think they go hand in hand, I am questioning whether a situation like this, which is almost ideal for me can actually last..... 🤷‍♀️

I am separating from a depressed alcoholic after 42 years and I cannot wait! Married 32 of those years, please don’t do anything in a hurry, at this moment I imagine you have no idea what you are letting yourself in for, your life will never be your own, think long and hard.

Honestly I think you are heading for heartache here, your feelings will only get stronger. and sometimes these 'broken bird' relationships turn into toxic situations that will haunt you for a long time afterwards.

Why do you want to continue seeing, every ten days, a friendless alcoholic sex addict who cries on your shoulder and bangs on about his other conquests? You say you left your marriage because it was ‘mundane’, but this periodic explosion of male self-pity sounds like the height of mundanity to me. What on earth do you get out of it, other than some unwise satisfaction that his other conquests come and go, and you’re a fixture?

Excuse my honesty here, but I get continuously fantastic sex that never gets old, plus as we have grown closer, I get someone I can be brutally honest with, I receive emotional support and advice when I'm with him and also on the odd occasion I need him I'll phone him and he will talk to me for hours, although he drinks a lot, he is always coherent and is very intelligent, interesting and wise. Plus I've never felt I can be my absolute crazy raw self with anyone like I am with him before, he never judges me 🤷‍♀️

I honestly never see my self being with him in a full on relationship, ideally I want it to remain as it is, but I'm not sure if that is possible......

Even if this situation is somehow serving you right now, it isn’t going to last. Something about it is going to change and it will end. Are you ready for that?

Also is he using protection with both you and the others? (Hint: he’ll tell you that you’re the only one he trusts enough to go unprotected...)

My feelings are already strong, I do love him to pieces and care immensely for his wellbeing, I'm very linear and realise a conventional relationship would never work. If he met someone the sex would have to stop but I can't see us ever not being friends

Yes that's the thing, I don't have any reference for a situation like this lasting, but apart from one of us being bowled over by someone else and let's face it that could happen in a conventional relationship, I can't see what would change?

And yes I'm fully aware and protected, no more babies for me and I certainly don't want any STI's

He never judges you because he is a friendless, depressed ( I'm guessing broke?) alcoholic sex addict..so who is he to judge?!
Oh I had a couple of those in my twenties, when I was young and stupid enough to romanticise them.
Do you know what is really going on?
You are very useful to him, because you provide warmth and emotional support, but you ask nothing of him.
In my experience the mark of a man is how he behaves when you need something from him, not when he is getting all his needs met.
Lots of men can provide endless talking and great sex, even non alchoholic ones who are not also shagging other women!

Ok well at least there is that

I think it’s giving you something important right now and that’s ok. You just need to make sure you are emotionally prepared for when it inevitably changes.

One of you is going to get feelings for the other or for someone else eventually.

I have some sympathy because I had a FWB whose time with me sounds something like yours (without the alcoholism) and it was pretty great at the time and I remember it with fondness now. In the end tho my guy had to tell me he shagged all of his many FWBs without protection and that I needed to get tested

So you are already less naive than I was

Condoms don’t protect against all STDs. That alone, with the knowledge he’s shagging lots of other people, would be a deal breaker for me. You could easily catch something from him before he even realises he’s infected.

I don't think you're being naive at all. You know what kind of man he is. You enjoy being with him. Do you ever do anything outside though? Not sex! 😁 Pubs, clubs, gigs, festivals etc?

Actually no he is incredibly hard working, has had his own successful business for 17 years, i have full access to his bank account and pin and believe me he is far from broke, he is an alcoholic and drinks every night, a lot by anyone's standards, but you wouldn't know to look interact with him, we have discussed it a lot and it helps ease his pain, which I actually get. He is making a conscious effort to cut down as well and as swapped from spirits to wine..... I'm very independent and have several successful businesses myself, so don't have any need from him, bar emotional support which honestly is mainly to do with my ex being awkward about our son. I certainly wouldn't say I romanticise him.

Can I ask is that how you guys finished kranky pants? X

True, but I feel the small risk is worth it as I don't want a relationship so my alternative is no sex which I'm not prepared to accept, I left my marriage because it was sexless, or trying multiple people to potentially be disappointed and still have potential to catch something.

This is going to sound even worse, but no, I one don't want to, I like our sofa snuggles it is what is missing from my life, I date all the time and have many friends that I do all that with so have a very active social life and two I don't want anyone to know about us.... I found out after we started seeing each other that I'm loosely connected through work to his ex wife and also occasionally know the girls he beds from a far, no one ever in speaking terms though. As much as I want to continue this and shouldn't be afraid of what others think, I am too aware of how people judge me for being fine with this situation and think I'm crazy or missing something.

Yes. We had the most satisfying sex I will likely have in my life. The reality was I had been prepared to overlook all other aspects in order to maintain the sex.
Once I knew I’d been an absolute fool to trust him on that front I could never have slept with him again so there was nothing more to say. I just couldn’t get past the fact I had risked lifelimiting illness for (admittedly epic) sex.
He did then pursue me for about a year but I found the idea repulsive

So basically if it’s making you happy then enjoy it while it lasts but make sure you protect your emotions

If you're fine with it, then go with the flow and enjoy your time together. A bubble of sofa snuggles and great sex sounds a fantastic addition to an already interesting life. Apart from more frequent contact, is anything else bothering you? If not, carry on and take no notice of any naysayers.

I should also probably add that he doesn't bang on about his conquests, we discuss anyone new he has and anyone new I have dated equally but our main discussion are quite deep, often philosophical, or we have fun and play games, we also have the same taste in books, music, films and general life..... So the conversation isn't just about emotions and no self pity from either side, though we can and do cry and support each other x

Okay thank you kranky pants, as awful as that sounds it give me hope x