Am I being naive about my alcoholic womanising FWB

[shahalo]

Okay so I know this may seem crazy but I met a guy online dating and we were in each others pockets for the first two weeks, then I backed off because I was scared of catching feelings and started dating other guys (not sleeping with anyone else though) after a couple of months we both admitted to each other about our other conquests and we had a six week break from seeing each other, but spoke on the phone every week. We then met again and have carried on seeing each other every week or two for the past six months. I still date other people and he sleeps with other women, none of them lasting more than a few weeks at a time. Our routine is generally the same, I arrive around 7pm we put music on cuddle on the sofa and talk continuously till about 3am, then go to bed because we have to and literally cuddle close the entire night before going to work often late the next day..... 10 days later rinse and repeat. We don't even have sex sometimes and joke at how we are crap FWB. We know an unbelievable amount about each other, I probably should mention he is also a depressed alcoholic and we have discussed the fact he has a sex addiction, we talk about the girls he is sleeping with and sometimes I swipe with him. If I'm being really honest I secretly like the fact that they come and go and I'm the one who lasts. I know this is unconventional but it works for me, anyway recently we have divulged that we care deeply for each other and he has said I am his only friend, which I did question if he was saying that because he knows I would like that and reassured him he had no need to butter me up as I would be here anyway. My only downside is that I would like to be in contact more, maybe once every few days with a check in, how are you doing, but am reluctant to for two reasons, one I think this works because if the time we don't speak so we are always fresh when we do see each other and two he has a lot of other problems so wouldn't want my phonecalls to be a burden, even though it seems that he finds relief in talking to me and crying with me. He has said the reason he likes me so much is because I accept him for who he is and he can be totally himself. Anyway apart from the above I can see the relationship lasting a long time in it's current form, am I being naive?

Honestly, it's my perfect hedonistic pleasure and enhances my life, I honestly don't need anything else right now. I'm still dating so if someone knocks my socks off then of course we would revert to friendship. I guess because I don't know anyone else who has been in this situation and most people are quick to think I'm foolish or burying my head in the sand for all the reasons mentioned, I am just hoping that someone has experience of this sort of thing being able to last until one of us finds something better. That's the only thing that bothers me, I just want hope that I can keep this happiness. Thank you Heart of Glass

Sounds tedious to me.

I have a friend (not with benefits) who is articulate, intelligent, warm, funny, lovable. He's also a chaotic drinker and mostly unemployed but he has a never-ending stream of women who want to love him and rescue him. Just be careful. Broken birds sap your energy. But enjoy your time together in your bubble 💖

Lol yes I agree, the reams of ladies he goes through who send him messages saying they could be good for him or they would love him if he only let them proves that, the problem is the minute they try and fix him, he cuts them off, he knows he can only fix himself. This is a main reason why I wonder if more contact would be good, I'm going to sound awful and selfish here but the 10 days average of no contact stops a dependancy forming I think, thank you again x

God this whole situation sounds like an absolute nightmare on multiple different levels, but you seem to be enjoying it so I’m not sure why you’re seeking approval here? It will end eventually. There will be pain. You already know this.

If i were in your shoes i'd treat this as an adventure and not really worry with how long it will last. I've had one or two "relationships" that defied logic and had a lot of fun with them, explored my crazy side and experimented a lot. I don't regret any of them. BUT. Big but: you have to be sure you can separate sex from love. I could and it was great, lots of fantastic sex and very sincere (and weird) conversations.

I can relate to some of your experience - amazing sex with 'broken' FWB. Sounds like you both realise only he can 'fix' himself. I think it will lead to heartache. Being with someone so intimately and passionately with such great emotions is worth it, I get that. I don't think it's sustainable though, there will likely come a point where you try to get him to be yours exclusively, but he won't and then like pp you'll get switched off by his lack of faithfulness.

I don't have an answer, other than that if you start seeing someone with less problems maybe you'll see the benefit of them being reliable, cuddling you every night etc rather than them jumping from bed to bed.

But surely you should be happy you only hear from him every ten days, given that you are clear that you don’t want an actual relationship with him, and originally broke it off with him because you were afraid of ‘catching feelings’?

And you’re already way too emotionally involved.

Look at everything you’ve said about how he doesn’t judge you ( as others have pointed out, on what basis does a friendless, depressed, alcoholic sex addict judge anyone?) and how his relationships with other women end as soon as they try to change him. Yet you already want more contact than you’re getting and some hope things will continue.

I would suggest the reason you haven’t communicated this is to him is because you know he’ll be off like a shot as soon as you express wishes that require more from him than a shag once every week and a half.

What doesn't sit right with me here is that you are only seeing him once every ten days or so and although you have had sex with him, you aren't having sex every time you meet.

This just doesn't tally with the picture you are painting of the strong bond you are developing with one another.

You are either just very good friends and nothing more (and he actually doesn't fancy you that much but just likes having you around because you listen endlessly to his problems) OR he does have strong feelings for you but he has erectile dysfunction as a result of his alcoholism and depression. Either way you are being a bit shortchanged right now.

I agree with you in some ways, I am immune to it at the moment, the other girls honestly don't bother me and I do question whether that is because I'm dead inside right now, I have only been separated a year. Part of my question can it last is does one person always catch proper wanting a relationship feelings or is it possible for us both to be contently happy with this arrangement for the foreseeable future.

He has given me the option to see him more often several times and it isn't always 10 days sometimes it's five sometimes a week but never more than 10. I am going through a hard time at the moment with DB dad and he is a fantastic dad so I have been receiving a lot of emotional and balanced support helping keep bme calm and see both sides. This has obviously (I am not a robot) meant that I would like to speak with him more often but my logical brain says that's not a good idea for all the reasons mentioned. I would really like this to last in its current form, I want to know from people with experience is it possible and what are the do's and don't's to watch out for to enable this. Or should I safeguard my emotional future and wean myself whilst we are still on a high and revert to being friends? The problem is I rarely fancy anyone else (I date some really hot guys) and if I do 5 or 6 dates in I bolt. I'm not willing to settle when it comes to an actual relationship so until I find someone I want to hang out with in all areas of life I do want this to last 🤷‍♀️

Okay maybe I should have been more clear, a fly on the wall would say we are a couple of loved up teens when we are together, although sometimes we don't have sex we are always intertwined and passionatly kissing etc I don't want to be crude but he certainly has no problem in that area and usual we do have sex a couple of times early morning and before I leave, I just mean I don't just go round there and am expected to booty call. He fancies most women so I wouldn't say that makes me special our strong bond has risen out of our deep connection and I would say we have a close friendship now as well.

What are your expectations?
What do YOU want?

Just how much this relationship is subtly depleating you? How much is it enriching you?
Again, what do YOU want?

Personally, I would have a huge problem with porn addiction, let alone with the fact he is shagging other women. It tells me all I need to know: that he’s a selfish, narcissistic up his own arse twat.

I get the good conversation, the company, the great sex. You are both gaining from it, you, to help you heal, move on, gives you a bit of excitement etc. Him, to appease himself, to have a sounding board that validates his shit.
If you love him, let him go. From a height. Maybe that’ll be his wake up call, his rock bottom, and he’ll start counselling and going to AA meetings.

you seem to be enjoying it so I’m not sure why you’re seeking approval here?
I think the OP is in that heady stage of being utterly obsessed and needing to talk to someone - anyone - about the amazing man she's with. That glossy vision where even depression and alcoholism seem to have a wonderful glow to them. I know how enjoyable that sort of relationship can be - and how obsessive. But ultimately, it sounds as though you want the same thing all these other women want. To catch and keep a mess of a man. I find that sad.

I think you are right, I do need to talk to someone and bar best boy bud, I am ashamed to talk to anyone else about it because everyone will judge and think I'm crazy and sad. And perhaps I am, perhaps I'm delusional to think a bubble situation can last, perhaps I should just cut it off now, save getting even more involved.

Personally, I would have a huge problem with porn addiction, let alone with the fact he is shagging other women. It tells me all I need to know: that he’s a selfish, narcissistic up his own arse twat

Don’t forget misogynistic!

And OneStep - agree with all you say. OP I hope you find a good man soon cos this most assuredly is not one.

Okay so I thought I would update, just in case there are others in my situation as I have struggled to find a similar circumstance online.

The day after my last post (Christmas Day) I rang him to wish him Merry Christmas and we talked for hours, he then telephoned me later that evening whilst one of his girls was there to tell me he missed me. I asked him if he had a death wish and to get off the phone before he gets caught.

What happened? I freaked out, be careful what you wish for right 🤷‍♀️ Boxing day he was in a mess and I had family commitments but was worried about the amount he had drunk so asked him if one of his "harem" was available, I found out the day after he had chosen to stay alone.

I realised that I couldn't give him what he needs relationship wise and discussed in detail with him that I thought deep down he did want someone to love him which he agreed with. (I have always been very clear that we would be awful in a relationship so don't think I'm a bitch for this next bit) anyway I chatted through his current girls with him and narrowed it down to one he had started seeing mid December that was available, lived much closer, kinda knows about the others (wasn't worried about me as she considers me fat 😂) and still kept coming back to him, however she is a nightmare.

I asked why don't you give her a chance, his argument was he could never introduce her to his daughter because she is crazy, but I said it's early stages and you need someone around to support you, you don't need to even consider an introduction at this stage.

Anyway a few days later I asked how he was getting on and he said okay but was worried he was projecting on her and that it probably wouldn't last, I told him not to be negative. New Year's Day we had managed a whole 48hrs of no contact and he calls me, asking me to go seem him, I was platonically with a guy I had dated a couple of months ago at a 48hour house party so said I couldn't and that he should call said girl. He begged for me to see him the next day instead so I agreed and said I would text him in the morning to let him know what time I could come round.

4pm the next day he says he has to cancel because said girl has told him she is coming round to talk because she loves him. I called him said that was fine and I was pleased and wanted him to try and make it work with her. He again was negative about it. At this point I said to him that although I loved him unconditionally I was going to back off as he deserves a love that can be there for him and he needs to be vulnerable with her and at least try.

I'll be honest the day after I fell into an absolute pit of despair, my heart hurt like never before, luckily I have some great friends who were there for me but I was so miserable. I spent nearly 48hours sat in the dark.

They set me back up on online dating and started swiping and I arranged a date for the next night as a distraction more than anything else, met a great guy, everything every girl would want, tall, good looking, ducks in a row, we talked for hours every night but I just could not get into him. However my friends said give him a chance these things can grow. So I carried on seeing him but couldn't bring myself to anything physical with him. Anyway I had a romantic dinner date lined up with him on Sunday 13th when after 11 days of no contact my phone rings.

I hesitated to answer as I know I need to wean but my heart leaped so I did. He asked me to go down to see him, I protested but probably not enough and asked about the other girl as if he had have been exclusive I would not have gone, but he had started dating more girls again. So I agreed called off date and went to see him.

Everything was exactly how it always was and it was like an instant relief. Then a few hours into the evening he suddenly got quite serious and told me with no prompt that he loves me and thinks it's ironic that we are perfect for each other. Anyway we had a wonderful 24 hours together and three days later I'm still super happy and feel there is now so much clarity. I love this man, I can't be with him. But I know I would rather have this the way it is on equal terms for as long as it lasts than settle or try with someone who ticks all the boxes.

I am still dating and if someone blows me off my feet, or he has someone blow him off his feet then it will end and that will be sad either way, but going on the old adage better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all I am so happy and very much looking forward to our unconventional romance and living in the moment however long that may be.

One final note to those who have read the thread I strangely no longer have the desire to speak to him every couple of days and look forward to the distance that I believe greatly adds to our intensity.

Thanks for reading my novella! Life is good! Happy 2019 everyone!