Christmas with his Ex and kids

[MumsyP]

Ok dear people, I need some advise here. We've been seeing each other since May this year, and during the summer, we saw each other twice or more a week, went on a mini staycation in the New Forest in September, but things started dwindling after the mini break and we saw each other less... no rows, nothing of the sort. To cut long story short, when I demanded answers for the weird development in our relationship, he blamed it on his anxiety state of mind (which is totally understandable as one can't help situation as mental health), and he eventually said he was scared that his ex girlfriend would run away with his two sons to Spain as a punishment if she found out he was seeing someone else... Now that threw me off guard. Anyway, he is currently spending Christmas at his "ex's" with his two sons and I'm sure he won't be back until the New Year , saying he might drive up North to see his mum and siblings and would most probably be going with his sons which would warrant his ex to tag along as the sons (6 and 3), always cry for their mum, that's why the boys wouldn't visit him at his in London, therefore he embarks every Sunday to visit them. My issues are;

1. Why can't he sit down with his ex and have a civil conversation about his and her 'what next'? People move on in life or am I wrong here?
2. I am spending Christmas on my own (with my DD who is 3), what would have been our first Christmas together?
3. He tells me, there isn't anything going on with his ex and swore on his late dad's grave and there isn't any love lost as all they do is row whenever he visits.

In addition, I have had a serious conversation with him 3 days ago at his place, and asked him to sort himself out as I won't be having this all the time running to ex's to see the boys or the ex snapping her fingers and him running to hers, in 2019. I know he loves his boys to bits but if the ex has the upper hands when it comes to the boys, she needs to start talking them into visiting their dad at least. It just breaks my heart knowing how beautiful everything was in the Summer, and the things he said that made me think he was a keeper, and now to me not even having access to him whenever he's at his ex's. Please I need your input/ advise, as I really do not know what to think even though he keeps reassuring me he's faithful to me.

He's not ready to be in a relationship with anyone else. He might not like the ex but he's unwilling to cut the emotional ties.

Sounds like his ex is not an ex. He is probably going “home” for Christmas to be with his family.
Are you “allowed” to phone him while he is visiting his “ex” or is this frowned on?
Sorry OP but it sounds very fishy

Similar situation but I've got to learn to trust. He's promised to phone me all the time and he's staying with his family whilst visiting his children. It's hard but sharing insecurities about it helps. I told him how I felt about the situation and he has put my mind to ease at the moment. It's hard but I understand why. I don't want to leave my family and he wants to see his children. Send me a message if you want some support because it's going to be a sickening time! X

Someone will pick up on your wording of "demanding answers" but before they do i'll say you are obviously understandably angry. What a shit situation. He's still emotionally married and not free for a relationship. My ex was still entangled with his ex wife and was one of the many reasons I ended things. I'll see if I can find the article that was a major lightbulb moment about their relationship.

for you as it's shit. You should be together for some of Christmas at least and he's not included you at all. That speaks volumes. Yes his children come first. But his ex wife shouldn't figure at all beyond arrangements for the boys.

Here you go. It really helped me.

pairedlife.com/advice/IsHeStillMarriedToHisEx

I'd plan for your 2019 to be single and leave them to each other.

I would also plan to be single in 2019, you should be im the honeymoon stages of your relationship now, not putting up with all this stress.
Plenty more fish in the sea.

I was in your situation a while back and 38 weeks pregnant to boot. Mine didn't want his ex to find out about me and baby incase she fucked off with the kids. (Its a theme apparently - for them to use that excuse)

I cheerily waved him off to his exes for the sake of his children having a lovely Christmas with their dad, put myself last for their sake, then the bastard slept with his ex that Christmas night whilst I was sat at a relatives going out of my mind because I hadn't heard from him in over twelve hours. They conceived a baby before ours was even born.

I'm not suggesting yours will do that, but I wish I listened to the posters on here who warned me to run for the hills when I was on here worrying as you are.

So; run for the hills.

Thank you all, I really appreciate your views and advise, I certainly have prepared my mind to walk away, even though I'd booked a restaurant on his birthday in Feb ( I will be calling the restaurant for cancellation), I went through a lot with my ex husband and spent 3 years finding myself whilst solely responsible for my little girl. I deserve better than this. I just can't help feeling insecure knowing he's under same roof with his ex.. What if he gets drunk and got it on with her? I'm done! Next!

Good for you OP! You sound really strong, those 3 years did you good it seems. I hear of a lot of men who never seem to let go of the relationship with their ex wife and can't fathom how to be a parent on their own and so try to keep the family unit together even though they are divorced. They claim it's better for the children to see their parents "together" but the reality is it confuses the hell out of them as they are apart but together and playing happily families even when there's new partners. Batshit. I feel sorry for the children in these circumstances.

Have a lovely Christmas

If his DC always cry for mum all the time, it makes me think he wasn't very present/hands on in their lives (if it's true) when they were together.... so they aren't used to him.

He is responsible for the poor relationship with his sons. Either way it's not good...as he doesn't seem like an involved father.

If I'd have split with my DH when the DC were younger...they would have been fine with him taking them out...or to his place. They would miss me...but they wouldn't have cried for me to that extent.

The 6 yo goes to school I presume. That's 6 hours without mum. Does he cry all day?

I'm not buying his story. I'm not saying they're still together...but it's not worth the hassle.

Anyone who has felt the need to swear on someone’s grave/life has been a liar in my experience. It’s a strange thing to do.

I totally agree with you. It's heartbreaking when I can't access him whenever I want to and I tell him it makes me feel like I'm dating a married man. As for his 6yo, he says to me the ex is thinking home schooling him as he's struggling at school without his mum... This is becoming more of a Jerry Springer shit and I'm not used to drama at all. He has until the 31st to sort his drama out or else, exit door is the only way.

Honestly, if he was all in with you he would have told his ex he’s seeing you and stared to include you in his life more and stand up for his right to be in a new relationship. He’s just not that into you. It’s ran its course anyway, you can sense him pulling back and being less interested, so there is no future in this relationship. If he was ever gonna put you first (or at least equal with his ex) he’d have done it while you were still in the crazy flush of love. His feelings have waned so you’ve no chance now. He’s acting without any concern for you as he’s not that bothered about you anymore so he has nothing to lose. This is all one sided, it’ll end whether you push it to end or not.

I’m his ex. There is no relationship between us anymore except as parents of our boys. Whilst I truly couldn’t care less about whether or not he is seeming someone, I do feel very uncomfortable about someone I presumably know sending me an anonymous letter about it. Whoever typed the letter I received today if you could let me know who you are I would appreciate it.

Well... that’s a bit of a twist

@Fishcurry why on earth would OP, even if she is who you think she is, send you an anonymous letter? I can't see why she would. I suspect t you might just be piggybacking into the drama for kicks. Anyone of us could say we were the ex.

Very Eastenders!

So what's your take on OP's relationship with your ex, Fishcurry, is he worth her hanging on?

Did someone mention Jerry Springer?

Maybe someone else thinks you aren't actually an ex Fishcurry so thought they'd let you know you were being cheated on??
Why are you still so enmeshed with your "ex" ?? If he's your ex it's time to move on and stop all this togetherness which will be messing with your kids' heads.

I’ve no idea who OP is, I just would like to know who sent the letter I received today about this. It referred to this thread hence i am asking here.

Clutching at straws here but OP - did you change any details like the ages of the kids?

Bombshell!!
😲

Soooooo..... Fushcurry. Have you threatened to take his DC to Spain?