Is this physical abuse?

[Ishiede]

My partner of 14 yrs find it’s amusing to poke me when I am cleaning in the kitchen. I have told him I don’t like it and to stop doing it. He obviously does it on purpose because he knows I don’t. He did it again today (after months) and doing it and I totally lost it with him. He says it’s a joke but he’s the only one laughing. He’s constantly in a bad mood and can’t cope with kids leaving me to always do everything with them. He doesn’t even bath them anymore. I feel like he is gaslighting me? Am I right?

I'm not sure if it's gaslighting but it is certainly dickish behaviour that verges on bullying. What it certainly isn't is "a joke".

What do you mean by poke?

When I get angry because he’s doing it, he then says I need anger management. This has been going on for months, until I’m at the point where it makes me angry. And he says I need anger management with a smile on his face.

He will poke me really hard in the back with his finger. Not gently. Very purposefully to upset me

I have told him I don’t like it and to stop doing it.
He says it’s a joke but he’s the only one laughing

Yes 'it's a joke' ridicules the fact that you don't like it and ignores your feelings completely it's a form of gaslighting and a total lack of respect for your boundaries.

So he's knowingly hurting you? No, that's not remotely acceptable. The fact that you're unsure suggests there's a lot more to this.

When I get angry because he’s doing it, he then says I need anger management

This is the equivalent of throwing tomatos at people and then telling them off for being all tomatoey.

he did it again today (after months)
Just to be clear... after several months of nothing (trying to read what I can into the OP). He prodded you in the back once and you lost your shit with him?

He's doing something on purpose that he knows hurts and upsets you.

Spiteful. Nasty little twat.

He's always in a bad mood. He does nothing. He hurts you to wind you up. Why are you with him?

Poke him back in the goddamn eye, what a jerk. Sorry, not helpful, but for some reason this has really annoyed me. Maybe I should come to anger management with you. I don't really know what to say - depends if he's a total idiot or whether he will listen if you manage to convince him you are serious.

Whip round whilst holding a carving knife you are washing and accidentally chop his pokey finger off?!? Or maybe just chuck the wet dishcloth in his face and walk out. Of all my ideas this is possibly the least deranged.

I did just now and he didn’t like it. I then told him it never happened like he does to me, when recalling how events unfold. He looked totally confused. If he does it again then I’m going to book him into counselling. So he can figure out with a therapist why he’s been so vindictive

You are going to book him into counselling. Right. The counsellor doesn't sprinkle them with magic fixing powder. The person having counselling has to feel they have a problem, a problem worth fixing, that they can't fix themselves, then they have to find a counsellor who they feel is a good fit for them and their problem.

When you say in your originsl post 'after months' do you mean he hasn't done it for months?

I’m not sore he’s gaslighting you but he’s an absolute twat! Reading your post made my teeth itch... the whole poking thing would drive me mad let alone his laziness

We're still missing vital information... is this a solitary poke after many months of non poking?

This is months of poking. To the point now where I feel like punching him in the face. Each time I’ve told him not to do it. I don’t like it. He knows my ex was physically abusive and my dad also. Feel like he’s pusinf me into a reaction.

Yup, that would be abusive then...

So time to react. Tell him he stops or he leaves.
If he doesn't do stuff with the dc what is the poin t of him ?

Stupid, horrible man. You have to stop him poking, it's annoying and degrading. Have a showdown about it. Also tell him what help you need with the children.

If he doesn't comply come back here and we'll all help you make a decision.

Looking at it... stuff like this is so calculating. It's not like he's being messy or thoughtlessly forgetting stuff, he's doing something just to draw your ire. It's not snoring, it's not clumsiness, he's actually going out of his way to perform an act that hurts and upsets you. What kind of person does that? Rhetorical question.

He very much sounds like he needs to redefine what he finds funny however, abuse? Really? Your partner of nigh on 15 years poked you in the back after several months - this doesn’t really constitute abuse in my opinion.

If it is such an issue, clearly explain your feelings on this and let him know in no uncertain terms you find this unacceptable - although given you already ‘lost your shit’ I suspect this has already been done

He's doing someone deliberately that he knows she does not like. It doesn't matter the last time was a month ago. Or if it was A year ago.

He's hurting her on purpose. That's not ok.

Just because it's not a punch in the face doesn't mean it's not abusive.

*Something

This is not about poking.

It’s about continuing to do something you have asked him not to do and that visibly upsets you, about checking out of family life (see Bad Mood and Not Handling Kids above), and about gaslighting (You Need Anger Management).

It’s a symptom of much bigger marital issues.

FWIW XDH had some habits like this. When he finally realised how unhappy I was they stopped instantly. So he’d known I hated them all the time but just carried on anyway. XDH, as I said.