Need more support over adult dd please

[MozzchopsThirty]

You may have seen my thread Friday when I got home and she'd left takeaway everywhere and my living room was a mess

Anyway we've just had another blazing row where she screamed that if I want her to leave I'll have to be her guarantor
Then she called me vile and crazy
She's telling lies about what my boyfriend has said about it, and even asked him to be guarantor
She said she won't re home her puppy so can't house share
We were supposed to go to Berlin on Xmas day for 3 nights, she still wants to go and we can just not be together, but I don't want to spend Xmas alone in a city I don't know.
I can be with my boyfriend but then that leaves dd alone.
Then I feel like my mother who always chose her men over me

On top of that my narc mother is giving me shit

I'm looking at Xmas in a mental health facility if this continues

How old is she? Why does she have a puppy when she's living in your home?

Sounds awful. Is she ever remorseful?

You've got time to talk things through and see if anything can be fixed, or at least agree to disagree.

It sounds like you need to live apart but don't be a guarantor as it won't help your relationship if anything goes wrong.

She's 22
Moved back from uni in June

I saw your previous thread... She's telling you what to do and really taking the piss! The puppy is a decoy. Forget about the short term as it's shot, what's your long game? What sparks off your disagreements?

Presumably everything she said - about Berlin, the puppy, house-sharing, needing a guarantor - was said during this blazing row?

Wait until things are calmer and ask again. What does she want? To move out, except she can't afford it? To stay at home with you, what? Then you need to discuss whether what she wants can be achieved.

She throws everything at me that I've ever done

What should I do about Xmas?

We can't talk at the moment because we end up screaming

Can you talk to her without escalating? Completely flat tone... ignore the throwing things in your face, as galling as it is. If you can ask her in a level tone what she wants to do, do you think it would help?

If you posted just after your blazing row then about an hour has passed. Give each other some space for now. Later, try to talk. Don't argue with her, don't accuse her of anything, don't defend yourself. Listen until she finishes and then talk about xmas.

Never be her guarantor she sounds like she’d quite happily screw you over

I don't really have time to talk about Xmas
Because my boyfriend is putting everything on hold not knowing what I'm doing
I'd have to pack tomorrow and I'm working

It's all a nightmare

Sometimes the best action is to stop and check your vitals. What's going on, what does and doesn't need to be done. Sack off going abroad if it's going to be a massive problem. No point being rushed and then subsequently miserable in another location.

Be selfish and do what's best for you,what ever makes you the most comfortable. Do that and you'll come back stronger than you feel now

I saw your other post. She sounds pretty awful tbh.
Do not go to Berlin. Say it calmly and firmly and do not wobble.
Stay in your house, maybe pop out for the eve to see your boyfriend, but spend the day with her.
She has no respect for you at all. She needs to go and rent a room properly via spare room. Bring it up in a calm moment after Christmas.
Her dog is not your problem, give her the contact details of some local or breed specific rescues.

I think not going to Berlin is a good idea
I'm not ready to talk to her
I will be here tonight and Xmas morning then see my boyf about 12
I'll be home Boxing Day then I'll be away

I don't know whether to do a dinner or forget Xmas altogether

What a sorry state of affairs
This is why I fucking hate Xmas

Sorry it's so tough op

This morning she said I've crossed a line and she can't forgive me
I've just had enough

Didn't see previous thread. What line is she saying you have crossed?

If she got a room in a shared house (on Gumtree) then she wouldn't need a guarantor. She'd just need a month's rent in advance and the same as a deposit. To be honest, nobody would put up with her if she behaved like that so she might learn to act civilised.

I wouldn't go away with her. That money is spent anyway, no need to throw more after it.

What line are you meant to have crossed?

She needs to grow up. Who gets themselves a puppy when they can‘t afford a home and if they could would have no time for a puppy working 40 hours a week. Where is the plan here?

And why is Berlin together still on for her considering she ‚can‘t forgive you‘?

I understand you don‘t want to throw her out, but can‘t you just give her the basement or attic or one room plus bathroom sharing (strict rules) and ban her from kitchen, living room? Then she can stew in her mess and might have an incentive to grow up.

I have a friend who's 21 yr old DD is behaving in a very similar manner (she even has a puppy, too!). We talk about it a lot, and my advice to you is the same as it is to her - at some point your DD has to learn to be an adult and behave accordingly. Taking her away to Berlin is rewarding childish behaviour, and I wouldn't do it. I'd go spend Xmas with your boyfriend, and show her that her behaviour has consequences. You need a break, you're only human. Make sure you tell her you love her before you go though.

She means you're not playing to her tune and she doesn't like it. Stay strong, it's about time to put yourself first 💐

She finished Uni many months ago. Time to grow up, get a job and stop acting like you still 'owe' her something - you no longer owe her a thing... you responsibilities as a financial piggybank are over.

I entirely agree with the poster who mentions spareroom.com.

We all did it and made the transition from our parents home to our own independence.. and it didn't start with our own place... it started with 'renting a room'... if you live anywhere near London, renting a room is quite normal well into ones 30's.

I'm afraid it's time to be the parent for the final time. She needs a job, she needs to save the deposit to 'rent a room' and the first months rent -and she can live with you 2 more months to do this - then, that's it. She needs to stand on her own 2 feet.

As for the puppy thing - who the hell gets a puppy aged 22 when living at home with their parents? So irresponsible.

Sounds like she has no idea of life and the steps she now has to take.

I agree with PP, don't let her dictate what happens in your home. You do what you want over Christmas.
Do you think her behaviour stems from when she moved back from Uni? Possibly feeling she has not moved on in her life and is taking her frustration out on you

Just read the 'will you be my guarantor' part too?

Answer = No!!!

I have a friend who works as a bailiff and he spends an astonishingly large proportion of his time working for amigoloans collecting money for the company from guarantors whose 'friends' (often family) have repeatedly failed to make monthly payments and 9 times out of 10 have gone on to vanish.... the company don't care, they get their money plus fees/fines back from guarantors.

If the guarantor won't/can't cough up on the spot (often many, many thousands), they then have 2 men wandering round their home literally working out what's worth £ and what's not.. and taking it away there and then..together with the car.

Your daughter doesn't need a 'gaurantor'... she needs £500 as a deposit and a month's rent upfront for renting a room in a shared house. If you act as 'gaurantor' for a 1 bed flat, you 'guarantee' at least a 6 month tenancy, all fees paid, the works... an utter headache.

You might love her, but her actions since graduating don't say 'mature, reliable, worldly young woman'... they say 'unreliable, naïve, childish.... young woman'...

dare I say a bit spoilt too? 1) Puppy... 2) June was a long time ago.... 3) wanting own home 4) doesn't sound very pleasant towards you 5) clearly doesn't respect your need to lead a happy life with your other half...

A few years ago Mr Wonga would have been the next pickle in her world... now it'll be Mr Amigo (but that'll be a pickle in your world)

Your answer is very simple: No. Non. Pas de my problemo

I wouldn't take her anywhere if she is treating you like that. Go with BF and maybe it will teach her some consequences. She needs to stand on her own two feet. Tomorrow I think you should have a lie in and ignore her. She needs to learn some respect and apologise.