Need more support over adult dd please

[MozzchopsThirty]

You may have seen my thread Friday when I got home and she'd left takeaway everywhere and my living room was a mess

Anyway we've just had another blazing row where she screamed that if I want her to leave I'll have to be her guarantor
Then she called me vile and crazy
She's telling lies about what my boyfriend has said about it, and even asked him to be guarantor
She said she won't re home her puppy so can't house share
We were supposed to go to Berlin on Xmas day for 3 nights, she still wants to go and we can just not be together, but I don't want to spend Xmas alone in a city I don't know.
I can be with my boyfriend but then that leaves dd alone.
Then I feel like my mother who always chose her men over me

On top of that my narc mother is giving me shit

I'm looking at Xmas in a mental health facility if this continues

It sounds like you need space and time to repair your relationship. The dynamic has been festering and she's attempting to reshape your relationship now she is an adult... only doing it all wrong and attempting to become the dominant party in a family where all adults should be equally respected. Kind of an inversion of dynamics... now she's "done growing up" rather than redefining as peers, she wants the reins. Distance and time are the best cures for this kind of weirdness IMHO.

Thank you all so much for your wise and insightful posts.

Update is she has take her dog and gone to her paternal grandmothers

Me and the boyfriend will spend the day together tomorrow, and cook dinner together

It's actually quite liberating doing exactly what I want!!!

I would tell her you don’t want the dog back in the house. It’s your house and you didn’t agree to it and realitisically she can’t look after it. She will have to rehome it.

I think the boundaries are all over the place here. She’s talking to you like she’s the mum! The only way you can change things is by being really tough with her. Absolutely zero tolerance for any shit whatsoever.

Good for you Mozzchops ! Have a great Christmas 💐

I'm still shocked at her telling you that you've crossed a line and she can't forgive you. Does that mean she'll be packing her bags and returning her key, then?!

I certainly wouldn't be taking her on a trip to Berlin now; she doesn't deserve it and it would almost be rewarding her for behaving like a brat.

If you really have had enough now, you could give her formal notice that she has to leave your home by a certain date, stick to it, and she can find a house to share with someone else or get told she's at the end of a long list by the council.

Please, please do not agree to be her guarantor. Road to disaster. By now she could have been working 6 months and have a deposit saved towards a place of her own.

You don't deserve to be treated so respectfully in your own home, OP. I'm sure you could do without the agro and stress, too.