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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how does your DP/DH react if you say no to sex?

64 replies

unequivocallyxo · 23/12/2018 19:30

Just that really. Not rudely, just gently. I am curious to know if my DP is acting unreasonably or if I am overreacting.

OP posts:
DBML · 23/12/2018 20:50

I’ve been with my DH since 1996 and I’ve never said no to sex.

Auntpetunia2015 · 23/12/2018 20:50

Ex of 26 years would sulk and hudf. Current DP says ok honey I love just cuddling anyway. And we snuggle and drop off to sleep. Both knowing that either in the morning or at some point during the night we’ll DTD!

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 20:54

He says "Ok. Would you like a drink/shall we watch The Good Place?"

Except it would be another show!

Ironically he gets shagged a lot more than exDh who used to only kiss me when he was horny, pressure me and sulk about sex. Turns out men who sulk and whine are incredibly unattractive.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 20:55

I’ve been with my DH since 1996 and I’ve never said no to sex.

Because you're always horny or because you think you can't say 'no'?

Faster · 23/12/2018 20:58

He just says ok and then we carry on doing whatever we were doing or go to sleep. Same as if I declined a cup of tea.

MrsMaisel · 23/12/2018 21:00

It ranges from sulking, swearing, moaning to recently, throwing things at me. Yeah. Great relationship.

MrsTerryPratcett · 23/12/2018 21:02

Fuck that MrsMaisel. Leaving an option? Because that sounds dreadful.

PearlandRubies194 · 23/12/2018 21:05

So sorry to hear this @mrsmaisel

My ex did the same. If I wouldn’t have sex with him, he’d shout and humiliate me or sulk until I apologised. I left him six years ago and I can still remember it. I hope you can find strength to leave soon - and the other posters in the same situation.

toolazytothinkofausername · 23/12/2018 21:06

@MrsMaisel Unless your DP is terminally ill and you will soon inherit a large fortune, you should not be with such a dreadful man!

RagingWhoreBag · 23/12/2018 21:08

He would say "ok bubs, shall we just have a cuddle then", and we'd either have a cuddle and go to sleep or, most likely, have a cuddle which leads to us both wanting sex anyway because its bloody brilliant.

Very occasionally I will offer him something just for him, but he is reluctant because he doesn't want to be 'that guy' who takes without giving.

He certainly would never be horrid about it and if he was, it would change the whole dynamic of our sex life, which is very much a mutual thing and based on a set of very equal expectations that we will both be completely satisfied every time.

Its not about him getting to scratch an itch - whether or not I want it.

If yours says anything other than ok, he's a dick.

Hopeful8813 · 23/12/2018 21:08

Says ok, gives me a kiss and goes to sleep. Unless I seem worried or sad about something in which case he asks if I am alright. He has never sulked or got cross or done anything negative after I have said no and quite rightly so!

StarsAndWater · 23/12/2018 21:11

Turns out men who sulk and whine are incredibly unattractive

This. So much this.

ShannonRockallMalin · 23/12/2018 21:13

Depends how long it’s been. More than a few days and he moans, whines, sulks and lies there sighing and huffing and puffing. He sometimes evens get up and goes downstairs because he can’t cope with lying there feeling horny and not getting it. Yes, it’s exhausting and puts me off even more. He’s actually better than he used to be. He sometimes used to sulk for days.

MajesticWhine · 23/12/2018 21:13

I very rarely say no. Firstly because he doesn't initiate all that often. But also I know even if I'm not in the mood I will get in the mood fairly soon and enjoy it.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/12/2018 21:13

Nothing tbh.... he’s completely cool and we carry on with cuddling or whatever we were doing. I never ever feel pressured into it

Mummyshark2018 · 23/12/2018 21:16

I think we're both on the same page. We're more during the day people so try and catch the opportunity when dc or engrossed in playing. Usually if he instigated and I said no it would be said in a playful way so that he didn't take offence and it's usually for good reason- ie time of month or things to do!

MrsMaisel · 23/12/2018 21:21

Thanks ladies. Yes I have wanted to leave for a long time. It's complicated.

DBML · 23/12/2018 21:21

Because you're always horny or because you think you can't say 'no'?

I have a very high sex drive and have never felt like saying no. DH always had a much lower sex drive, so I would take every bit I could get lol!

Raven88 · 23/12/2018 21:22

He says ok and continues to cuddle in.

1981m · 23/12/2018 21:22

Depends how long it's been. If not been long since last time and dh not too bothered he'd fine. Other times he makes me feel bad, asking what he gets out of the relationship, that if sucks and gets frustrated. Saying he ll sort himself out. Saying I make him feel like I don't love him- emotional blackmail really. He's been better recently though.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 23/12/2018 21:24

I'm not sure what his reaction is which I think means that he doesn't have much of a reaction to being turned down. I know that I have turned him down sometimes but not very often, partly because he's very good at judging my mood so knows when I'm not likely to be interested, and also because I initiate sex far more frequently than he does. (He also turns me down sometimes, I don't sulk, I just say "maybe another time then".)

HellonHeels · 23/12/2018 21:26

Snuggles up to me and goes to sleep.

BollockingBaubles · 23/12/2018 21:29

I'm so sorry to the women who are with men who try to coerce consent by sulking, stomping, swearing, shouting and throwing things. There's a word for men who try to have sex with women they know don't want it.

We've gone through phases were both of us has had low sex drives, we get through it without guilting the other into adjusting their boundaries or putting our sexual wants above their right to consent. If I'm not in the mood, dh wouldn't try and coerce me and if he did I think it would be a total deal breaker. He says hed rather never have sex with me again than me have sex I don't want.

Musti · 23/12/2018 21:46

My last 2 exes would sulk, sometimes get angry and it would affect how they behaved. My.other exes it wasn't a problem and my current I've not turned him down yet but can't imagine he would be anything but fine. Funnily enough, I rarely turned down the ones who didn't pressure me.

Original poster
unequivocallyxo · 23/12/2018 23:59

Thankyou everyone for all of your replies - I really appreciate the honesty.
For reference, my DP will fall out with me over it. Although he's tactile at times, when we're in bed he will only cuddle me to try it on, and if for whatever reason I don't feel like it will promptly move away from me and turn over without a word.

I posted this earlier because he has been in a foul mood all day today, because he wanted it this morning. When I said now isn't the time, he promptly threw the covers off and stomped out of the room.
Don't get me wrong, we have sex regularly, but my 4 year old was running around the house. Hardly practical in the morning.

Didn't need a day of him being short with DS and me on the run up to Christmas - it has taken the shine off things a bit I suppose.

Anyway, thankyou for the replies, it's good to have some context.

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