Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think if friends said they missed you but never had time to see you?

37 replies

MilkyCuppa · 23/12/2018 04:00

What would you think if friends who you get on really well with didn’t bother to get in touch or meet up with you for 6-12 months or longer? But they message you saying how are you, we can’t wait to see some of our best friends again, you’d be so welcome to come for dinner or use our guest passes to join us for the day at our health club, we’ll check our calendar, etc. Then no further contact for another 6 months.

I feel like they don’t want to be our friends but can’t understand why. Just lying awake tonight thinking about this year and feeling very rejected and isolated. It’s more than one set of people so now I feel like there’s something wrong with us that we don’t know about.

OP posts:
InsideLegMeasurement · 23/12/2018 04:37

What do you do when they say that? Text/phone & chase for a,date? They may need a nudge to get it in the calendar.

wishingitwassunny · 23/12/2018 04:49

Happens to me all the time. If someone texts asking for a meet up and I want to see them I text back with dates as soon as I have the calendar in front of me. If I don’t get a response I don’t chase, and generally don’t bother trying again. People are busy. If they really want to see you they’ll text with dates.

chopc · 23/12/2018 04:50

You are not in their radar - that's all . If you want to be in their lives more then make some effort yourself for a short time. Then they will be more likely to remember you in the future when doing things and invite you

Original poster
MilkyCuppa · 23/12/2018 05:06

We’ve initiated the conversation a few times. Miss you! Would love to get together, when are you free? This is followed by an enthusiastic evening of chat, then nothing.

Our schedule is pretty flexible, they’re the ones who have other engagements, ill health, changing shift patterns, etc. They’re always enthusiastic but never come back with an actual date.

I guess I don’t understand why you’d bother to text someone and tell them how much you love and miss them but not make the effort to meet up. Or message them saying I have the flu but when I’m better I’d love for you to join me at the health club spa because I have a guest pass, you’d be so welcome, I’d love it - and then six months pass and nothing further is said. Etc.

I’m wondering if it’s something wrong with us because we have 2-3 “friends” couples who do this. And we literally have no friends and never see anyone.

OP posts:
umpteennamechanges · 23/12/2018 05:10

For another side of the story...I suspect I might have friends at the moment that feel this way.

However I do miss them, I do want to see them and have every intention of doing so when I say it. But then end up working long hours (14 hours plus 3 hours commute) every day which means I only just about manage to keep on top of general life and everything else ends up taking a back seat Sad

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 05:16

I would suspect domestic abuse.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 23/12/2018 05:18

I has friends that did this - they had started earning move and considered themselves in an upper social bracket to us and so ghosted us out of their lives
I was very upset. But well rid.

saganorenscarandcoat · 23/12/2018 05:18

I'd just play them at their own game and say you're busy

Original poster
MilkyCuppa · 23/12/2018 05:32

We’ve just stopped contacting them. They clearly aren’t bothered about being our friends. But I’m puzzled why they message us every few months to say they miss us and we’re some of their best friends, do we want to do X/Y/Z. We say Yes! They text us for hours, long detailed conversations. Then six months pass with no contact and no suggested dates for X/Y/Z. I wonder why they bothered contacting us at all - if they want rid of us they just need to ignore us.

OP posts:
PipGoesPop · 23/12/2018 05:33

Why don't you suggest a date? 'great, thanks for the guest pass offer, how about the third Saturday next month?'.

wishingitwassunny · 23/12/2018 05:39

i would suspect domestic abuse

Seriously? Only on MN. How do you get from ‘they never actually arrange to see us’ to ‘it’s because one of them is beating the other’ Hmm

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 05:40

The OP asked what I would think, and I know my friends, so you can fuck off.

Magpiefeather · 23/12/2018 05:41

I’ve been on the other side of this, and at the time was just struggling to get through everyday life. DH was struggling with his MH and found it difficult to commit to dates . I was trying to hold everything together for the whole family and so things like making dates with friends fell by the wayside. Felt awful but didn’t want to divulge why as I felt DHs mental health problems weren’t mine to tell iyswim. You don’t know what’s going on. It sounds like they would dearly love to see you but have something preventing them making plans. Hope they are ok.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 05:42

And actually women who were being abused need support and part of that support is believing them, even when they don’t want to talk about it. So again.....

Butteredghost · 23/12/2018 05:51

I would think they couldn't be bothered with me. I have a few friends that say things like "oh I'd love to do x with you but too bad you live to far away". I only live about 30 minutes away, so I say no probs, I can come to your place any time. Suddenly the problem is that they are busy!

People say all the time oh we should catch up, just to be polite. However I agree it can be confusing when their fake plans are so oddly specific, like the gym pass thing.

wishingitwassunny · 23/12/2018 05:52

were you, sorry, not meaning to upset you. But most people don’t reply because they are busy/have other stuff going on. I’m hiding atm because my marriage is falling apart. There really isn’t a more sinister reason for the vast majority of cases......but I do take your point that DV is mostly hidden and we should all be on the look out.

Butteredghost · 23/12/2018 05:54

But OP, try not to let it get you down and cut them off or anything. Even crap friends are hard to find. I would say adjust your expectations, accept that these friends aren't close to ever meet up with but you can still enjoy a chat with them a few times a year.

Girlofgold · 23/12/2018 06:00

Yes adjust your expectations. A pleasant chat with people you used to be close to, you may even catch up now and again, but now focus on new friends. I think it's a weird by product of social media somehow. But sad. People are busy, can't be bothered, too poor, anxious, moved on, are going through a tricky period blah blah. The nice texts show nothing tragic has happened you are just out of each other's spheres.

swingofthings · 23/12/2018 06:16

I have a couple of friends who could also feel the same. The thing is, these two friends have very few friends whereas I am extremely fortunate to have many friends who I consider close. I also have a very busy life working FT, two kids, parents who are more demanding of my time and more importsntly going through the menopause so sleeping badly meaning that I now have to go to bed earlier and need to rest over the weekends to be able to make it the following week. So sadly, I can't see my friends as often as I'd like.

I do miss them, it upsets me, I'd love to reduce my work hours to make more time for them, but I can't right now. Don't take it personally, some people do have mad buzzing life and struggle to give proper attention to all the people they care for.

NonaGrey · 23/12/2018 06:19

Have you invited them to something?

Try inviting all three couples to dinner at your home. Just send a message saying “are you free on the 30th? We’d love to invite you to dinner”

People react much better to specifics.

TooManyPuppies · 23/12/2018 06:21

I have a particular friend like this. Shes always making possible plans then never comes through. I gave up years ago. Now I am happy to message and catch up over text and when she says we should catch up I just agree and let it go.

I did once call her out on it and said she doesn't need to pretend to make plans to catch up just because I asked how she was. She ignored that and continued to say we should catch up each time we spoke. It's been so long and I'm over it that even if she did try to make plans we would be "busy" these days anyway. Sometimes it's easier to give up, let go and keep them as acquaintances.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 23/12/2018 08:27

I have (had) two friends who would do this constantly. One in particular would come bursting onto my messages in box with declarations of how much she missed me, etc. The 3 of us have arranged to meet up more times than I care to remember. They cancel every fucking time citing illness or even that one had double booked herself. The other friend once said her "silly husband" had invited work colleagues around so she couldn't see me. When I queried why she did not tell her H she already had plans, she shrugged it off with a "oh, I'm so useless" attitude.

I won't make arrangements with either of them anymore. I have very few friends and now I feel I have even fewer, but I don't want to have to sit around waiting for plans to be cancelled.

My intention is to develop other friendships, as difficult as that may be. I'm sorry to have hijacked your thread this way, but hopefully it's some minor consolation that the kind of treatment you describe happens to others. My philosophy now is fuck them.

ThursdayLastWeek · 23/12/2018 08:32

I think actions speak louder than words.

If I genuinely wanted to see them I’d try and arrange a meet up with a date and a plan.

If I wasn’t that fussed either, but glad to hear they’re all well I’d play along with the OMG so nice to hear from you messages, then not give it another thought

Needsomebottle · 23/12/2018 08:32

I'm the friend who is hopeless at arranging to meet up and say that I will but then never arrange a date. I genuinely am sorry if I've made friends feel this way, but I think they understand. I work full time, have two young children, limited childcare and extended family commitments. Time just rolls on in the chaos of life and I don't realise how long it's been. This morning (prior to reading this!) I have text one such friend who I've probably not seen for a year to tell her I miss her and wish her happy Christmas. That's my way of reminding them I think of them amongst the chaos of life. So please don't take it to heart. Maybe mention it, tell them you miss them and you'd love to see them again more regularly. I have one friend who we always arrange a date before we part. Sometimes it might be a few months away but then we know it's coming.

Or get in touch with dates - this works well for me as it forces me to check my diary and agree something rather than having to suggest dates myself.

Please don't give up. Some of us are just frigging useless bug really value our friendships.

LeftHook · 23/12/2018 08:35

People make choices in life, they choose what is important to them when it comes to their leisure time.

Some people are charming and keep people on a back burner to use when it suits them.