What would you think if friends said they missed you but never had time to see you?

[MilkyCuppa]

What would you think if friends who you get on really well with didn’t bother to get in touch or meet up with you for 6-12 months or longer? But they message you saying how are you, we can’t wait to see some of our best friends again, you’d be so welcome to come for dinner or use our guest passes to join us for the day at our health club, we’ll check our calendar, etc. Then no further contact for another 6 months.

I feel like they don’t want to be our friends but can’t understand why. Just lying awake tonight thinking about this year and feeling very rejected and isolated. It’s more than one set of people so now I feel like there’s something wrong with us that we don’t know about.

I am busy - work full time with commute and DC with very full weekends, etc. Going 6-12 months not seeing good friends who live nearby is completely normal. And yes, I miss them!

Book something in for a Friday or Saturday night we’ll in advance, and check a couple of weeeks before that they are still coming.

I work full time, have two young children, limited childcare and extended family commitments. Time just rolls on in the chaos of life and I don't realise how long it's been.

This! It’s not personal.

I have 4 kids about 40 pets and work full time but I always find time for those who are important to me. I don't think it's personal when people don't catch up, but I know I can make the effort and just end up moving on when others don't.

So yes it's a reason but if it's important enough people can make it work as I do.

If something or someone is important you find time. I've removed people who don't bother with me from my life. Life's too short for shitty friends.

Totally with you on this OP. I don’t get it either. I’ve got some baby group friends who do this. It’s all “love you. Miss you. Let’s get a date in the diary” sure I say, when? I’ve not got much on and make it clear I’m flexible and available and then nothing for months. It’s now been a year since I’ve seen them! It used to bother me a lot as my kid missed their kids a lot and I see Facebook posts of preschool/baby groups still having holiday meet ups and I can’t provide that for my kid but I’ve started to just read the “love you” messages now and ignore. I really don’t get the girly love you stuff if you aren’t going to make effort to see somebody who lives 20 minutes drive away! I think some people just say it but are flakey as fuck. I don’t trust women anymore. Female friendship is all over the place and unless you’ve known someone for more than about a decade you just can’t trust that friendship.

I have a friend like this: have known her for 30 years. When we do see one another (approximately once a year) we get on famously, we stay in touch via text and FB and she frequently says she misses me and wants to see me, but never actually makes the effort to do anything and frequently bails when I try to.

Some people I think don't make much effort for anyone beyond their immediate inner circle. I've come to accept this about her, though it pisses me off. I'm sure she has good intentions and loves me but bottom line is she won't make that extra effort, so I treat her the same way.

I probably wouldn't initiate but every year I say "must see you in the New Year" to uni friends. I do mean it but then never quite find the momentum or inclination to set it up.

Usually because it involves a 4 hour round trip as they don't tend to leave the Home Counties and London. It's meant well.

Depends. If someone does that repeatedly, it does wear thin.

However, if someone had recently changed jobs, moved house, or had a close bereavement in the last few years or had ever mentioned mental health issues or chronic health issue (either them or immediate family) to me, I’d take more of the strain of organising. Or caring fir elderly parents, that kind of thing.

There’s a saying that no-one is busier than someone that doesn’t want to see you. I am a believer of people making time and effort if they genuinely are interested. I found this out the hard way. I don’t mean it to sound cruel, OP. This is my personal experience.

It's interesting .... most of us can probably relate.

On one hand, I get most folks have got busy lives ..... usual mix of work / family / health etc
On the other, careful it doesn't come across as "top trumps" to folk you do actually care about, in suggesting your life must be more difficult / busy / stressful than theirs if you never get around to meeting up.

I've one friend who is a bit like this. I cut some slack because I know she works varying shifts, so I've tended to say "tell me when you're free" ..... but she's slow (putting it mildly) at getting back with dates.
Without sounding all passive aggressive, I'd love to respond one day saying "well, we all have different priorities" because I don't think she prioritises our friendship the same as I do.

I think the points upthread about managing expectations may well be what to concentrate on. I've had a difficult six months this year ...... on one hand I'm downright pi$$ed off that long-standing "good" friends who I have supported through bereavement/ divorce / job loss etc have been nowhere to be seen this year; on the other I'm genuinely touched about the support offered from newer friends or unexpected sources and I'm concentrating on nurturing those friendships next year.

I'm fairly sure my oldest friend feels very let down by me. I see her about twice a year. The truth is i outgrew the friendship so very long ago. She is a nice and good person but we just have nothing in common and I'm nonplussed by the things she finds interesting. I never initiate contact and say, "perhaps in the summer" if she tries to organise a date. I think it would be incredibly hurtful if i overtly ended the friendship so I just let it drift and drift.

I think I've only seen my closest friend twice this year. Life gets in the way sometimes it doesnt mean you like them any the less.