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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have anxiety and being around my family makes it terrible. Help me get through Christmas where everyone is around?

33 replies

Datenerves01 · 22/12/2018 11:34

First off my parents aren’t horrible people . I have some resentment over childhood things which has meant I’ve had to re evaluate it as an adult and I tend to have regular contact with my family and siblings these days but don’t share a lot about my life.

The idea of having to stay under the same roof is making me feel physically sick. I am a private person especially with my family and it causes me huge anxiety not to have my own ‘space.’

Just want some support on how best to deal with it. If I didn’t go they would be devastated and I would feel 100 times worse in the process so it’s not an option. No hotels but if there were the same issue would be theyd be devastated. Too far away to drive over for the day. I have to stay the two nights.

They’ve not bad people, just quite intense. I perhaps building it up more than I need to. Spent so long establishing my own life - I was told I wouldn’t be welcome there even if I lost my job, for instance, that I absolutely hate being reliant on them. And I have to get a train and be collected - no car as not needed where I live.

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2018 12:12

Will you have your own room?
Is it the sort of job you might have outstanding paperwork you need to do or are you doing any sort of course that you could possibly have studying that you need to do? My plan would be to have an excuse to go to my bedroom and take an hour out with headphones in apparently working/studying, if I needed an escape.

Do they have a dog? That might need lots of walks? If not, maybe you've recently taken up jogging, couch to 25K, need to do 10000 steps etc?

Also "devastated" is a big word. Is it yours or theirs?

Original poster
Datenerves01 · 22/12/2018 12:14

That’s a really good idea, could definitely have some work to do. Have own room but no privacy.

They say devastated.

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 22/12/2018 12:16

Hire a car (if you drive). It's the trapped feeling that's an issue.

Waddsup12 · 22/12/2018 12:18

Bit dramatic on their part...

If they are devasted, what would happen? I'd be googling emotional abuse, personally.

Schmoozer · 22/12/2018 12:24

I have anxiety and find the Christmas visiting stressful
I’m going
To get out walking
Take books and craft stuff x

Slightlycoddled · 22/12/2018 12:26

Op I really really sympathise Flowers

All my family (particularly siblings) have huge strong characters and Christmas does get very intense. My parents are dead now but the thing about not being welcome home in a crisis rings bells with me. (They probably didn't intend to come across like that but were very old fashioned, not very warm.)

It's strange though that they said this and yet would be devastated if you didn't appear for Christmas? That's quite a contradiction don't you think? (Not being snippy, genuinely interested in what lies behind this. Were they saying it because they thought it was the sort of thing parents should say to encourage independence do you think?)

Category's ideas about having set times when you absent yourself are really good. Hopefully, that will make you feel more in control (not having options or control is the basis of lots of anxiety I think).

Could you book a taxi from the station?

And you could always have the option of staying just one night (you could receive an imaginary text from an imaginary friend whose pet/aunt/house needs urgent attention) if things get really bad perhaps?

AnyFucker · 22/12/2018 12:27

One day it will finally sink in that you do not have to do any of this shit

Until then, I sympathise. But if you don't change things then nothing will change.

Slightlycoddled · 22/12/2018 12:28

Car hiring and doing something creative also great ideas! (I am taking notes!)

Girlwhowearsglasses · 22/12/2018 12:30

Hire a car if you possibly can.
make sure to go for a walk every day. engineer one of the meals to be elsewhere...

good luck

Original poster
Datenerves01 · 22/12/2018 12:35

I get that I don't HAVE to do any of this. But not doing it would make me feel even worse anxiety. so it is just a fact that the situation arises and i have to manage it.

They said i wasnt welcome because they didnt want me around. it wasnt to encourage independence (though it could have been part of it i suppose). my parents made it clear if anything happened in my life i would not be able to turn up with my bags and have the safety of their home (they have a huge house, not a space issue).

they want me around at xmas as they are traditional in that way. they will want us all there. like i say they are not bad people but i feel like a child around them, i dont trust them emotionally and feel sick that i am trapped there. even having a car doesnt make it better - i am forced to be there (yes technically i can leave), and that makes me feel sick.

im probably not making much sense. just feel very stressed about it all. if we were all in a neutral venue it would be fine.

OP posts:
Slightlycoddled · 22/12/2018 12:43

Sorry but that sounds awful.

You are emphatically not welcome in a crisis, but they want you there at Christmas because they are "traditional"?

Op there is something very wrong with that. Are you willing to accept those terms?

If you had a friend in the same position, wouldn't you be advising them to stay the hell away?

I have every sympathy and I know these family situations are more complex than can be described in a paragraph or two on here, but it looks like AnyFucker has hit the nail on the head. Sick-to-your-stomach anxiety such as yours doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's telling you something! Flowers

Waddsup12 · 22/12/2018 12:48

Don't worry, we do "get it". I'm working up to my family trip...

pissedonatrain · 22/12/2018 12:54

How about you've gotten the flu and can't make it this year.

Slightlycoddled · 22/12/2018 12:55

Have you spoken to your siblings about this op?

Any sibling loyalty you could rely on to combat "the enemy" to help see you through?

Original poster
Datenerves01 · 22/12/2018 12:59

sibling is nice but they historically side with parents. im the odd one out.

i just hate this time of year. i am fine generally these days but christmas just highlights all the sadness i felt as a child. any other day i can meet them and it is fine.

OP posts:
Slightlycoddled · 22/12/2018 13:22

You have every right to feel that way op Flowers.

And that makes it even tougher re:sibling. And with only one, I can understand the pressure you feel under to be present.

Good luck with it all Flowers

How about announcing this year that you have other plans for next year though? They they can hardly then complain that you havent given them enough notice! It might help if you can give yourself a break from it every so often.

And in the meantime, read up on FOG. See a therapist if necessary.

Original poster
Datenerves01 · 22/12/2018 13:25

i wanted to be away this yeah but just didnr have the money.

im so low today and feel so stressed.

thank you for the kind words.

OP posts:
Slightlycoddled · 22/12/2018 13:33

Sorry you are feeling so bad.Sad

Can you buy yourself a small treat, a book, a magazine, or download stuff to enjoy while you are they? Give yourself something (however small) to look forward to? Or arrange to see a friend or do something enjoyable the day after you get back?

Or have you considered (at a less charged time than Christmas perhaps) telling them how you feel? They may not understand and it may cause more hassle than it's worth, but on the other hand it might make you feel better.

thewooster · 22/12/2018 13:59

I feel your pain OP as I'm in a similar situation but I dont have to stay over. Just go for Xmas day which is bad enough.

Someone earlier said you don't have to put up with this and they are right, but it's not easy to stand up to family - I still have not found the balls to do this. It is always next year I will bugger off to Tenerife.

Give yourself something to preoccupy your time like others have said such as running, walking, taken up bird watching, photography and need to outside and then get out on your own. Or if stuck indoors have music or books nearby. Plan a reward for your return.

You are not alone in going through this. Good luck x

GourmetGold · 22/12/2018 16:28

Sorry OP, I feel your pain.
Sad to say, but the Christmas I got flu and couldn't go was the best ever!!! My parents were not impressed at all..so caring!..but I could hardly get out of bed.
I try not to stay too long, pop out for a walk.
An illness might be a good thing if you really can't face it this year!?

OldWomanSaysThis · 22/12/2018 16:38

Some mothers (READ: My Mother) think if their adult children don't show up for holidays then it's a negative reflection on them, it makes the mother look bad - it's more of "what will the neighbors think" if the adult children don't show up. Appearances are everything.

I had MRSA one year and thought it best to stay away from all of the infants at the gathering, so didn't make an appearance. My mother was FURIOUS at me. I have no regrets for staying in my bed.

I feel for you, OP!

granadagirl · 22/12/2018 17:05

I know you say you have anxiety over this, but if you don’t make a decision you really want for yourself your always going to be in this anxiety state.

Don’t get me wrong, I know all about anxiety depression panic suffered over 35 years with it. I’m probably older and a lot wiser than you op.
I’ve got to the point now, that if I think it would hinder my anxiety and put me through stress I don’t go end off.
My health is more important than what people think off me, took a long time to get to this point.

For your mum to say she would devastated is dramatic, if they live in a large house I’d say it’s more so that she can say to friends neighbors etc
Oh yes we have all the family over for Xmas , it’s a face thing .
Also to say don’t come back with your bags as you won’t be welcome
Omg
She can do as she wants, but you can’t.
Start to do what you want, once you do it first time the next and next will become easier for sure.

PaleRider1 · 22/12/2018 22:41

Tummy bug or flu to get you out of it?

How about next year you volunteer somewhere for Christmas Day / Christmas period? Gets you out of going to your parents.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 23/12/2018 08:27

they want me around at xmas as they are traditional in that way. they will want us all there.
The is very telling, it's possibly not the real you they want there, its the child they had. The empowered adult you may well not fit in to their narrative about themselves. Hence the reason you feel like a child around them.
They want the part of you that relates to "We had children" and "The children always visit for Christmas"
They don't want a real person, who might disagree with them, might need support, might have problems.
I'd let that person have a lovely Christmas doing what she wants to. They might be annoyed but would it really be with you or would it be their story of themselves being shown up for he falsity it is that would annoy them?

GourmetGold · 23/12/2018 10:49

@665 I think you are spot on!
This certainly describes my parents. I can't turn to them about my problems, they're not interested in who I really am.
They just want me there for Christmas so they can tell their friends I visited and they can play pretend 'happy families'.