I have anxiety and being around my family makes it terrible. Help me get through Christmas where everyone is around?

[Datenerves01]

First off my parents aren’t horrible people . I have some resentment over childhood things which has meant I’ve had to re evaluate it as an adult and I tend to have regular contact with my family and siblings these days but don’t share a lot about my life.

The idea of having to stay under the same roof is making me feel physically sick. I am a private person especially with my family and it causes me huge anxiety not to have my own ‘space.’

Just want some support on how best to deal with it. If I didn’t go they would be devastated and I would feel 100 times worse in the process so it’s not an option. No hotels but if there were the same issue would be theyd be devastated. Too far away to drive over for the day. I have to stay the two nights.

They’ve not bad people, just quite intense. I perhaps building it up more than I need to. Spent so long establishing my own life - I was told I wouldn’t be welcome there even if I lost my job, for instance, that I absolutely hate being reliant on them. And I have to get a train and be collected - no car as not needed where I live.

Sorry for the rant!

I am in a very similar boat. It's slight torture.

First if all every time my anxiety gets bad I remind myself it's only a few days to get through. It starts feeling so much bigger than that. Planning a treat for after you've seen them is great too

I'm also trying a few new things this year. Expressive writing - I'm following a therapeutic app and it says to sit down and write a letter to the people you're struggling with. Get everything out. Tell them how they've hurt you and how you feel. Really try to feel the emotions. Then rip it up and write another letter reframing things. So perhaps saying 'Mum when you did x,y,z it really hurt me but it's ok now because I've made a success of a,b, c and I have - to look forward to next year/ am a grown up now so won't let you do the same thing again' Write whatever you need to to put yourself in a position of strength and remind yourself you are in charge of your life now. I'm also doing these amazing forgiveness meditations where you picture a cord tying you to whoever has hurt you and visualise yourself cutting it and being completely free of them.

I think getting out for a walk to clear your head actually over Christmas is very helpful too. And just forgive yourself if you struggle. You are human.

I hope that helps.

If I were you I'd spend as much time as possible googling " narcissistic parents" and once it's over, you can start planning next Christmas away from them. Good luck x

I agree start planning next year to do something different. Like volunteering or go on holiday in your home country or abroad. Or book a hotel with a spa. Or book hotel with something else to do like walks, photography,

I wonder if it’s because they don’t approve some of your life choices and open about this. If so, I wouldn’t go, I’d invent tummy bug and stay at home.
If they are just very intense and want to know every little detail and discuss and advise I would go and plan “little escapes” e.g work emails need to be checked, you should phone an old friend, etc. The idea is that your day is divided into parts and you have breaks in your room alone. I did this with my family, it helped.
Could you offer help with something to be on your own, e.g walking a dog?
I think the main bit where it hurts that you are welcome for the sake of Christmas like a decoration which should be in certain place but you are not welcome yourself. It’s really sad. I hope you will be able to move on and find your own perfect Christmas.

Do you run OP? I find hosts accept your absence better if you put on trainers and say you're going for a run.
That'll get you a few hours out of the house.
Also, on the 'not welcome to live back home' issue, turn it around. Would you like them to move in and live with you for a short time? Imagine one of your parents had a fall and needed to move in while he/she healed. You would hate it. As they have been clear to you that they don't want you back there, you can be clear in the future that it goes both ways and you respect their independence. The nursing home is in that direction ➡️

Do you really need the actual money to book an actual holiday to somehow "prove" you are away? Next year can you tell them you're going away and just do your own thing anyway? So sorry you are feeling like this.

OP, I don’t have anxiety, I’m generally pretty mentally resilient but Christmas Day at my parents’ house is a huge fucking trial.

I can drive there so I only spend 4-6 hours there. If I don’t drive I maintain a level of mild intoxication for the day to get through it.

Yesterday I got there at half one, dinner was at two (for 17 people), I took the various kids out for a dog walk at 3 between Turkey and pudding.

4pm was presents and I left at 5.30 just as the cheese was coming out. My mum was fuming, but couldn’t really say anything.

I got home, had a glass of wine and sat in glorious silence.

I feel for you, I couldn’t do two nights. It would be really hard. Work is a good excuse, hide in your room, invent a headache, or mild illness. Your parents will be pissed off, but start giving less of a shit. It’s crap when your parents stress you out, but let go of the guilt and just do what you have to do. You’re already the odd one out, as am I. It’s not going to make that much difference if you continue to be odd.

How did it go op? Are you back home now?