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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this right?

27 replies

gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 07:17

Exh has residence of youngest. She says her choice, but he put into her head she won't make friends in new area and frightened her into staying when I had to move for work last year.

Since he has had sole residence instead of me he has become very inflexible with contact to the point where I am struggling to see her more than three times per year. To give some context I was hospitalised with meningitis and was shortly after diagnosed with a chronic illness that I will have until I die. This illness can make me extremely tired, and therefore I am not able to drive a return journey to exh's on my own for safety (in case someone needs to take over).

All days/times have to be on his terms or they don't happen and all telephone calls have to be on speaker, or she is not allowed to talk to me. She has to watch what she says or she gets an almighty bollacking from him. If she tells me anything that happens at her home, including trivial matters like what xbox game daddy is playing, he goes nuts at her and tells her not to speak of what happens in his home.

I don't ask, I'm really not interested as long as she is happy and healthy.

I find it strange, is it, or am I too raw from his actions last year still?

OP posts:
Itwasatuesday · 22/12/2018 08:47

I don't have much to say sadly but I thought child line might be an idea? You don't have to be a kid to phone. I used them (on MN advice) when I didn't know if it was a case of needing to report something. They were very helpful, spoke to several people and they gave me independent advice. It just sounds like he is way too controling and if he's like that in all areas of her life, not just with you, she may need help. From your op he sounds controlling and abusive towards her.

Itwasatuesday · 22/12/2018 08:48

(but as you say it may just be the dynamic between you two so independent advice might help)

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/12/2018 08:55

Do you hear these almighty bollackings and him going nuts or is it her telling you after the fact?

Depending on her age is it possible she's playing the pair of you off against each other?

A teenager who doesn't want to leave her friends at weekend or holidays to visit nrp is quite capable of laying the blame on rp for example.

Fontofnoknowledge · 22/12/2018 09:10

How old is your daughter?
If under 14 then why aren't you going to court to get regular contact ordered. ? It costs £215and fee reduced if on low income. Judge can order your ex to meet half way or all the way if s/he believes It is in your child's best interest. Can also order Cafcas interview your child without father present to ascertain what she really wants.

If over 14 - why can't she get on a train and come visit you. At least half way if you can drive some of the way.

Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 10:57

She is 8, nearly 9. I hear the bollackings when she is on the phone with me. She has also previously said when we are together she can't tell me something because Dad said not to.

I've not picked him up on it because I don't want to upset her, and he refuses to speak to me.

There is already a child arrangement order in place setting out contact. It was part of his residence order.

Travel is tricky because it is 45 minutes to the nearest coach/train station for her and even if she was 12/14 I wouldn't want her travelling alone because there is train change overs and for the coach a stop over in London.

Exh has always been his way or the highway so I shouldn't be overly surprised he is like this, I just don't really know what else can be done because in reality he is frustrating contact.

OP posts:
Pigeonpies · 22/12/2018 12:34

Move closer to your child, you'll be able to see her more frequently than solves the problem for travel etc

3 times a year is nothing, how sad for both of you.

Move closer and build a proper relationship with your daughter.

Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 12:54

I can't move closer for various reasons, so no simple solution. Plus even if I did that means more exh tunes for me to dance to.

I don't have a bad relationship with my daughter, but it is being frustrated by her father.

OP posts:
Fontofnoknowledge · 22/12/2018 12:56

Then you need to take it back to court and get a variation that involved an obligation for him to facilitate contact between his child and her mother. If there are no welfare concerns regarding you as a parent then no judge will consider 3 periods of contact a year as reasonable . Especially if travel is impossible due to disability.
However your choice to move so far from your daughter has not helped your cause.

Fontofnoknowledge · 22/12/2018 13:01

That said , he can be told to facilitate contact in HER interest. I know three families where dad had to move for work but mum is obliged to do the travelling every other weekend (but NRP has to pay fuel costs in 2 of 3 cases) because NRP either doesn't drive or have a vehicle.

Get back to court and get something regular sorted out. When you have established private time with your child she may open up a bit more.

Dirtybadger · 22/12/2018 13:02

Why can't you move closer?

The only solutions I can see are going back to court and also moving closer. Probably both need to happen.

Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 13:08

Font originally my daughter was coming with me. I had to move for work (niche job). The child arrangement order states eow and 3 x school holidays per year. At the time I was well and willing to do all the travelling to facilitate contact with her father.

Cafcass have been involved and truthfully feel that she should have stayed with me but that's because they couldn't prove she was coerced. They were not able to interview her alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 13:12

Sorry should make that clear. Originally he agreed to me taking her with me. I agreed to do the travelling at that time to facilitate their contact.

When he took me to court the child arrangement order states I get eow and 3 x holidays per year.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 22/12/2018 13:12

Surely you'd be better putting the niche job on the back burner until your daughter is older and in the meantime relocate closer to where she is so you can see her more than three times a year.

Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 13:15

DirtyBadger if I move I have no income as my job is niche, and there are only a couple of locations in the UK that have work in that area.

Long story short I moved to where my exh lives for his work and when we divorced I needed to support my family so had to move. Didn't quite work out.

OP posts:
Santaisonthesherry · 22/12/2018 13:26

Parental alienation is a crime now. See a solicitor as a matter of urgency.

Gina2012 · 22/12/2018 13:44

When he took me to court the child arrangement order states I get eow and 3 x holidays per year

I'd suggest moving so that you can fulfil the CAO

The niche job can wait

Your daughter can't

Put her first

KnightlyMyMan · 22/12/2018 13:49

Can’t move closer 🤔
That’s your child - I don’t have any sympathy for any parent living hours away from their child and complaining.

Your DD didn’t move you did and work is a bullshit reason- if my job told me I had to move away from my child - I’d be getting another job!

‘I lost my job because I couldn’t move away from my child’ - lots of sympathy!

‘I’m losing my child because I moved away for a job’ - 😡

CrazySheepLady · 22/12/2018 13:51

Is there any possibility of you going to court again to to try for primary custody? Do you think your daughter might be more likely to say yes to living with you?

Bombardier25966 · 22/12/2018 13:54

Find a non niche job.

Get public transport to collect your daughter.

Bombardier25966 · 22/12/2018 13:57

Is your current partner not helping?

Is your long term condition hypothyroidism?

Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 13:58

I didn't ask for sympathy, I asked if people thought what appears to me to be controlling and coercive behaviour of my 8 year old daughter is or whether I have a skewed view. None of you know my financial or personal situation (which includes another adult child who lives near me who is currently studying and also in need of support).

Santa I didn't know that. I will contact my solicitor. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 13:59

Partly Bombardier, other issues after meningitis.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 22/12/2018 14:02

Hypothyroidism doesn't make you unfit to drive. Tens of thousands of people have it, many undetected.

You need to find a way to get to your daughter. You, not your ex.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/12/2018 14:11

I don't understand your stance on this. Of course saying your child cannot speak to her mum without being on speaker is controlling. So is bollocking her regularly for any reason.

I think the negative posts are because you seem more bothered by him controlling the small amount of contact you have, than by the fact that it's a small amount in the first place.

LonginesPrime · 22/12/2018 14:18

Yes, OP - from what you've said, your exDP sounds controlling. You said he's always been this way so you know this.

I feel very sorry for your DD and if I were you, I'd be looking to retrain and find another way to make a living that means you can live nearer to her to eliminate the issues her dad is throwing up.

No, he shouldn't be behaving that way and obstructing your contact with DD, and I do agree that you should seek legal advice.

However, regardless of his behaviour, if I were 8 and my mum had left me in an abusive household, I would be devastated if she then didn't fight to save me whey she'd realised.