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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Strange colleague - how do you suggest I deal with this?

70 replies

Tagnarsragingheart · 21/12/2018 17:50

I work in a large corporate company and I am relatively senior. We have a 21 year old graduate who has been with us a few months who came straight from oxbridge.

He has been showing a lot of “initiative” which occasionally borders on intrusiveness. Several times a day he requests to be part of senior management and client meetings which he would not qualify for. He also spends much of his time going from office to office and starting up conversations with members of the senior teams. I suppose he would call it networking, although it’s a bit precocious. I’ve witnessed a few of the conversations he initiate and they usually start with him asking for “advice” about something that he has perhaps picked up from an online bio of the person. Or an overheard conversation. or something he has heard they have an interest in. Eg, for another senior colleague it was Golf and another it was travelling in Indonesia. He occasionally gets it wrong but does not pick up the cues that he is along the wrong lines (focuses in on the wrong thing.) general consensus is that he’s very bright but a bit disingenuous.

Anyway, I heard a knock on my office door yesterday and turned round to find it was my turn, as he was standing there asking for “advice” about what to get his mum for a Christmas present! I was really busy but chatted with him for a while and gave him a few suggestions and tried to get him to leave. He then said that he had googled me and seen that I had once written a dating column in a local newspaper. This was over TEN years ago and is on a small bio from the newspaper about 20 pages deep into a search on my name in google.

He then told me he’d written to the newspaper to get archive copies of my columns. I said oh, they are really not worth reading, I’m actually much more interested in books these days. He said no, no he was going to get them and read them and if i’d been published then everyone in the office should know about it and celebrate me.

I then told him that I had no interest in everyone in the office, or him, seeing my old columns from over ten years ago. He winked, and left.

Maybe he thinks that I want everyone to see them but part of me feels he just wants to humiliate me. Yes, they are publicly available, but he is really having to hunt them down so it’s not like they are easily accessible.

He then sent me an email saying “so good to talk about your columns I’d love to continue the discussion soon.”

Any advice on a strongly worded email which makes it clear that I am not harbouring some secret desire for him to show my old columns to people at the company? Also an email that I can show I sent to express my wishes in case he goes ahead and I have to bring it up with HR.

OP posts:
Aridane · 21/12/2018 17:52

oh goodness

Truckingonandon · 21/12/2018 17:57

I never get embroiled in email exchanges if the person or topic is in any way difficult. I wouldn't respond. Id just go out of my way to not engage with him. If he disturbed me like that again, hed be left in no doubt that his inane questions were not welcome. Some men people are very entitled and need shutting down.

Yousignup · 21/12/2018 17:59

He sounds awful. Really. I'd make it clear that I am not ashamed of my column writing past, but that it's not at all professional to do this, and he's winning no friends in the industry. That's what I did: I am pretty high up in law (not UK), and an intern went to the lengths of googling me (35 year old local paper UK school rowing competition photos) and my parents (vaguely famous refugees) and plastered the info all around the office. I have a different first name now so he really did have to dig deep.
Colleagues helped to put him straight.
I am sorry. That's awful.

IrenetheQuaint · 21/12/2018 18:02

A firm word with his line manager is required.

wizzywig · 21/12/2018 18:04

Aah dont be mean to the fresh enthusiastic graduate! These youngsters really believe they can change the world

sackrifice · 21/12/2018 18:06

Who is managing this person?

He needs to wind his neck in.

purpleface · 21/12/2018 18:08

"Kindly do not stalk research me. As you seem to have the time, perhaps you could [insert mind numbingly awful task here]."

turnipsaretheonlyveg · 21/12/2018 18:08

Talk to his line manager, his current behaviors aren't doing him any favors and he needs to be told this.
He needs to be told to be professional in his role and to stick to doing his on tasks at present. It isn't that unusual for some new graduates to completely misunderstand office politics and their own importance.

katykins85 · 21/12/2018 18:09

Could he be autistic and struggling to recognise social cues from you and others that you are uncomfortable and he's over stepping boundaries? I work with a lot of men with high functioning autism and this sounds very familiar.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/12/2018 18:10

Too much time on his hands! Is he actually getting on with his work at all?

I might be having a wee word with his line manager.

IdaBWells · 21/12/2018 18:12

Wizzywig you are kidding? This bloke sounds like he is training to be a serious manipulator and bully.

I would in no uncertain terms tell him he is crossing boundaries and being completely unprofessional. His line manager should tell him that his "little talks" need to stop and give him enough work to do so he doesn't have time to be interrupting busy colleagues.

LuluJakey1 · 21/12/2018 18:13

I would speak to his Line Manager to deal with him and to HR to log your concerns. I'd make sure his Line Manager knew I was also talking to HR.

CallMeRachel · 21/12/2018 18:13

Hahaha!!

He obviously thinks he's going to make Chief of Mi5!!!

He's just so desperate to be noticed and recognised for his interest in the individuals within the business but it sounds like he's trying too hard.

Does he have a mentor/coach or manager you could ask to reign him in a bit?

I think I'd probably go find him for a face to face conversation about how you really wouldn't appreciate him casting up things in the workplace unrelated to your current position. Probably go for a pat on the head type thing where he's put back in his box and reminded he might be coming across the wrong way by harassing people.

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 18:17

This is how a lot of Oxbridge / LSE / Russell Group grads are. Nine times out of ten this strategy works and I wouldn’t be surprised if it helps him get promoted by people more senior than you. Your best bet is to play him at his own game — research him and print out everything you find and put it on his desk.

IdaBWells · 21/12/2018 18:18

This isn't "showing an interest" though is it? It's more like stalking. Especially when told NOT to drag up stuff from years ago that is totally irrelevant.

BirdieInTheHand · 21/12/2018 18:19

As a senior person in an MNC I feel your pain - All our graduates/interns seem to be like this: the sense of entitlement is at times jaw dropping.

I have no suggestions as they also have skin that makes a rhino hide fragile

truthtopower · 21/12/2018 18:20

Reading your post my first thought was that he is threatening you, and enjoying making sure you know that.

If you complain I'm guessing he'll try to paint you in a negative light in the office.

Absolutely stand up to him immediately.

bsc · 21/12/2018 18:20

Wow- he is seriously overstepping the mark, I would speak to his line manager tbh. Why doesn't he have enough work to do?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 21/12/2018 18:25

He absolutely wants you to squirm. The only way to deal with it is to be completely disinterested and unbothered by him plastering your old columns over the office.

Parsleyisntfood · 21/12/2018 18:26

This is straight from the “how to get ahead” seminars. Make connections with everyone, make sure everyone knows your name, find common interests. But it’s supposed to be in addition to working your arse off and done in office down time.
When you knocked could you not have just said “I’m too busy”.

TheProvincialLady · 21/12/2018 18:28

Reply to email

Dear X

I found your research into my activities of ten years ago intrusive and unwelcome. As they are not related to my current role please respect my request not to raise the subject again and certainly not to share with colleagues.

Yours

OP

OnAScaleOf1to10ItsA7 · 21/12/2018 18:35

Out-arrogance him. Email back and say “My columns were very widely read, I think most people will have already seen them. You seem to have spent an awful lot of time researching me. I’m not quite sure to what end, but if you need something to do, please can you alphabetise the contents of the stationery cupboard? There’s a good chap.”

DarlingNikita · 21/12/2018 18:39

He absolutely wants you to squirm. The only way to deal with it is to be completely disinterested and unbothered by him plastering your old columns over the office.

I agree with this.

savagebaggagemaster · 21/12/2018 18:42

Katykins - my first thought was also was to wonder if he may be autistic. He seems to be obsessing and researching to the nth degree.

eddielizzard · 21/12/2018 19:37

I would completely ignore. He looks weird, going around digging stuff up. I think his intention is to belittle you - the wink as he left, followed up by email ignoring your instruction to leave it.

If he doesn't drop it I'd have a word with his line manager. This really isn't appropriate.

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