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Original poster

sexting

43 replies

jokesonme · 21/12/2018 13:47

ok, long story so I'm going to try to keep it short and simple.
My husband and I live together with 3dc, we haven't slept in the same bed in 2 years and have a toxic relationship, we don't communicate apart from the kids, he's never been interested in anything to do with me anyway, never asked how my day was etc..., he never gave me affection and we just don't have the same interests.
I've tried to ask for a divorce many times but he refuses to leave and I had no money, he also can't afford a place of his own, neither of us has any family.
So we have said we are seperated (or I said and he just mumbled whatever) although he still tries to have sex!
I do my own thing and he does his but we go out as a family with the DC all the time.
I recently got talking to a guy online and he wanted me to sext him, I've never done anything like that before and not had sex for a long time so I was eager to, he never asked about my situation nor I his, so anyway we did sext and it got very explicit with photos and videos swapped.
The thing is I feel extreme guilt because I'm not divorced and my DH still lives here and we act like a family. noone would ever know we don't get on (apart from the neighbours).
My DH still thinks there's hope of reconciliation even though we've given it chance after chance and nothing changes. In his head this is temporary (we have been like this for 2 years)
He hasn't been with anyone else and neither have I because we are stuck and both concentrating on kids and careers.
Did I do wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 13:48

I have been a bit confusing in the op.
Basically was I wrong to sext someone if we are seperated and living together but he still thinks and hopes of a chance at reconciliation?
I think it would kill him a little to know what I've done.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 21/12/2018 13:48

What you're doing wrong is making the kids think a loveless house is a normal house.

Santaispackinghissleigh · 21/12/2018 13:50

The thing is if you get caught you will be blamed for breaking up the family!! And your dh will make sure everyone knows it.
Make an appointment with a solicitor to get divorce rolling in the new year then you can do your own thing honestly and above board...
*spoken as someone who cheated and caused ww3.

Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 13:50

the kids don't see us argue, but equally havr probably never witnessed actual affection between us. There's a lot of laughing and joking as a family but no affection between us two.

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Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 13:51

would you consider this cheating santa?
I didn't think it when I did it, now I'm thinking he will see it that way.

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 21/12/2018 13:51

Before you embark on anything further with this sexting stuff, I'd officially split from your DH. Sounds all very wishy washy to me with regards to your 'separation'. Your DH is hoping to reconcile, yet you have no intention by the sounds of it. Do the right thing.

Pinkmonkeybird · 21/12/2018 13:53

And yes, you are indeed cheating.

ElspethFlashman · 21/12/2018 13:54

Of course it's cheating. If your DH swapped explicit videos with a strange woman what would you think?

The kids can't possibly have any idea of what a normal marriage looks like. For the love of God separate and maybe the two of you can each find new partners and show them what love between adults is meant to look like. Otherwise how will they know? From sitcoms??

Itiswhatitisso · 21/12/2018 13:57

It's not cheating. You aren't properly together anyway.

Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 13:58

But we haven't slept together or done anything together alone, even sit on the same sofa and watch tv. There's no love between us. We've said we are seperated so it's still cheating?

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 21/12/2018 13:59

Sexting is the least of your problems.

You call the relationship toxic. That's not good for kids

Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 14:00

if dh did it I'd think thank fuck he's moving on.
I don't want to be with this person, I don't know the first thing about him or him me. It was just sexting.

OP posts:
OldWomanSaysThis · 21/12/2018 14:01

It sounds like you are going to refer to yourself as "separated" when being separated works best for you and you are going to refer to yourself as being "married" when being married works best for you.

"Separated" you get to sext and "married" you get to live in a nice house and play happy families.

Cake. Eat it. It's all very selfish.

Santaisonthesherry · 21/12/2018 14:01

By law you are. You are still married. I had declared my marriage over after he raped me. Still got divorced for adultery, had to move away.

dragonflyflew · 21/12/2018 14:06

What you're doing wrong is making the kids think a loveless house is a normal house.

This ^

This is why I divorced when my kids were very little. I don't want them growing up in an atmosphere of suppressed feelings or resentment.

DitaVonPeas · 21/12/2018 14:10

Fuck sake, loads of people don't even have a partner at home and their kids manage to learn what love is as well as any of us can! Bollocks the only place you can learn it is from it being "modelled" in your own home.

OP, if you're not at each other's throats, there's no arguing or abuse and everyone understands the situation I don't think your set-up is in any way harmful. It sounds like it's the best you can do right now with a strained situation. The problem comes though with the fact you don't think your h does fully understand the situation. And that needs to change.

I don't think you're BU with the sexting, but only if your dh fully understands that this is where you two are at right now, and that it's something you're both equally free to engage in.

Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 14:21

He knows he's free to do what he wants. I've fought with him over divorcing I gave up on it when he refused and got so angry when I asked him to leave that he threatened to hurt me do I decided it best to let him stay since I didn't have any money for a lawyer.
I don't act married towards him, don't ask him for favours or even to watch the kids while I go out, nothing. I don't tell him about things he doesn't tell me

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Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 14:24

posted too soon. we don't share things about our day or what's going on in our lives is what I meant at he end there

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Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 14:28

plus I don't ever see myself doing anything physically with anyone. I'm not interested in bringing anyone into my life and I have only ever slept with DH.
I do think it was unfair on dh because obvisouly I'm aware that he still hopes to reconcile.
But I'm not having my cake and eating it too, I haven't had affection or adoration in my life ever and this was someone who wasn't even physically in the same country and I knew it would just be texting and that's that.

OP posts:
DitaVonPeas · 21/12/2018 14:31

Well in that case I think morally you're in the clear. And as for your domestic situation, there are worse things for kids than growing up in a home with two parents who don't love each other.

The main thing that's worrying is that you said he threatened to hurt you... That's bad. What might he do if he found out about the sexting?? Are you quite sure you're safe in this set-up?

Chamomileteaplease · 21/12/2018 14:38

Isn't it a bit gross that you are sending all this highly personal stuff to someone you've never met? That sounds bizarre to me anyway.

And in the new year at least go and see a solicitor to see if something can be done about you and your husband divorcing and living in separate houses. There may be a way.

Dirtybadger · 21/12/2018 14:45

It's unwise but not cheating.

If you have an agreement that you're separated then you aren't cheating. Although confusingly I suppose it would be classed as adultery? But you're both free to see other people if that's what you have agreed. Whether deep down he is hoping to reconcile or not is relevant but not to your explicit agreement to separate.

But get the divorce sorted ASAP. The fact it isn't cheating on a technicality isn't going to help you if it comes out to anyone because your husband can just say you weren't separated. No one else knows. So it will look like cheating. Including to your kids. And believe my the kids don't want to think one of their parents cheated on the other.

Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 15:42

chamomile to each their own. I haven't ever physically been with anyone apart from DH. I'm human, I'm going, I have a high drive but still not interested in physically being with anyone else because of my set up and because I don't want to bring anyone else into my life. I'm exhausted mentally and I suffer from depression on and off so don't need anyone else being involved.

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BlueJay1 · 21/12/2018 16:05

Sounds like a strange situation.
Staying together in the same house, acting in some ways as a married couple, yet separated and wanting to be physical with others.

I don't think you sexting someone else is wrong, since both people in your marriage are aware you are separated. But you should think about getting your own separate places, so you can move on with your life and explore new relationships.

Original poster
jokesonme · 21/12/2018 16:30

yes he would go insane if he knew. he wouldn't take it well.
This is why j feel guilty because although he knows we are seperated he won't accept it.
He won't leave as he won't have 50 50 eith the DC even though he's never home due to work until after their bedtime.
I feel like a single mum anyway

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