sexting

[jokesonme]

ok, long story so I'm going to try to keep it short and simple.
My husband and I live together with 3dc, we haven't slept in the same bed in 2 years and have a toxic relationship, we don't communicate apart from the kids, he's never been interested in anything to do with me anyway, never asked how my day was etc..., he never gave me affection and we just don't have the same interests.
I've tried to ask for a divorce many times but he refuses to leave and I had no money, he also can't afford a place of his own, neither of us has any family.
So we have said we are seperated (or I said and he just mumbled whatever) although he still tries to have sex!
I do my own thing and he does his but we go out as a family with the DC all the time.
I recently got talking to a guy online and he wanted me to sext him, I've never done anything like that before and not had sex for a long time so I was eager to, he never asked about my situation nor I his, so anyway we did sext and it got very explicit with photos and videos swapped.
The thing is I feel extreme guilt because I'm not divorced and my DH still lives here and we act like a family. noone would ever know we don't get on (apart from the neighbours).
My DH still thinks there's hope of reconciliation even though we've given it chance after chance and nothing changes. In his head this is temporary (we have been like this for 2 years)
He hasn't been with anyone else and neither have I because we are stuck and both concentrating on kids and careers.
Did I do wrong?

@Dirtybadger

In the UK, adultery can only be classed as a reason for divorce if one of the couple has had vaginal sex with someone who isn't their spouse.

What usually happens is that the "grounds for divorce" are changed to "unreasonable behaviour" and the reasons cited are "spent the night in another person's home", "sexual contact with another person", etc.

OP I think you should contact Womens Aid. If he's threatening to hurt you if you leave, then that is cause for a complaint to police.

I don't think he would actually hurt me though, well possibly if he knew about this he may but the only time he's ever got angry or threatening is when I bring up divorce or moving out.
He just won't accept it and I don't have the money and I truly havr mental exhaustion from it all I don't have the strength to fight.

You're not cheating b3caise you've split up with your ex. I would tell him and that may hurry him along. Also start dating. But before that tell everyone that you have split up and have been for the last 2 years.

I can't tell him about this, he sees me as his property in a way and he likes the fact that only he has been with me or seen me naked. He's already made things difficult in terms of separating.
you are all right in that we need to fully seperate and divorce properly.
I've taken a step back from it too because the thought of the DC coming back and to from two houses kills me.

It sounds like the thought of being alone is too much for both of you, plus the guilt of breaking up a family unit. You have to change the family dynamic - small things so that you start behaving like you are divorced. You're playing happy families at the moment. Then perhaps ask for a trial separation?

he just won't leave or let us leave.
he won't agree to a separation, I have said we are basics seperated he just grunts and says ok whatever.
I'm not playing happy families, most of the time I'm with the DC on own and take them out on my own but we do things together the weekend because I want the DC to see that we can be in the same room and enjoy things as a family unit.
He only ever comes bear me for sex and I refuse and he gets angry and dissapear s into his own room

What do you mean you don’t have any money? Do you both work? Even if you don’t you should have access to the money he earns. How do you pay for food and clothes and stuff for the children?

There may be worse things than growing up with parents who don’t love each other but it’s very damaging and unhealthy all the same. Having a lone parent is completely different to having a severely depressed mum who’s scared to properly break up with dad because he’s threatened to hurt her There’s nothing at all okay about that.

we both work but I'm only part time, I'm left with not much after I've paid half the mortgage apart from a teeny bit which I spend on the DC and food, dh pays all the rest of the bills and he has 2 phones and all the latest gadgets etc, he does buy clothes when I ask him to, he's never noticed that the DC need anything by himself but he's never denied them anything when I ask.
He pays about half for food.
I don't have any other money for a solicitor or to buy him out or anything like that and if he moved he wouldn't be able to afford much at all.
I don't buy myself much at all but I'm ok with that.

I think I feel guilty because I'm not the type to this sort of thing, I was fine with never having sex again despite a healthy sex drive.
I kind of accepted it. But when this guy texted me and we did whatever, then I was really happy and it made me realise how much I miss being wanted and adored.
I'm only 30 and not bad looking and in good shape I make the effort to look after myself, so why shouldn't I enjoy that?

I tend to waffle on and don't blame anyone if you've got bored of reading all this. Thank you for people's advice.

There is no way you should be paying half the mortgage if you’re part time and he’s full time. What would happen if you stopped doing that and insisted on paying your shared living and child costs proportional to your earnings?

You’re not being boring at all and I know your post was about what’s going on with this other man but it’s not the main problem and it’s awful hearing you feeling so stuck in a shit situation. It will seem impossible to make any changes but it won’t be impossible. Please take a step back and look at your options so you’re not still there in a year.

Thank you for understanding. He pays all the bills and most of the clothing and activity costs etc so I feel as though it's fair. The problem wasn't the other man per se as now he's gone and we both got what we wanted out of the texting,it's more that why do I feel so bad for doing it? it was wrong but then again how long can i stay like this? I don't want to hurt him either I know this will crush him.
He's happy to give things another try if I ask him, I know it but we've tried so many times before and we are just not compatible.
I'm so confused but I can't tell him what's happened

resurrecting this to say that we had a long chat where I told him how I was feeling and why, he got angry again to the point that I felt scared.
He never ever used to be like this and he says it's because I go on and on about things and wind him up.
I think he's right, it is my fault. I do go on but because nothing changes in our relationship and we are never on the same page and I feel extremely lonely.
I try to talk things out and he goes insane.
I thought I could build up to telling him what I had done but he will truly kill me.
He raised his fist at me tonight when I said we should properly be separate because this was confusing.
We have been seperate anyway but still in the same house but I can't force him to accept it. we don't talk we don't do anything alone, we don't share information nothing.

You'll feel better once you find the strength to properly separate.
You're only 30 you can build a new life for yourself with the children. But you have to make the decision.
What's the point in continuing this on, no one is benefiting not even the children.
He needs to move out. No point uprooting little ones.

He sounds terrifying, I'm genuinely scared for you trying to free yourself from this. Can you call Women's Aid? I've had no experience of them myself but they're recommended on here a lot. I think you're going to need help and support to get yourself out of this safely.

He has brothers here who are all involved in the community and political parties here. They would make my life hell if my DH wanted them to. It scares me because I don't want to put my DC at a disadvantage. They go to a top school, my dd is training in a sport eith some of the best in the country and I don't want to uproot them which is what would happen if dh didn't go quietly which I don't think he will.
He was the sweetest softest man and apart from being a crap husband in other ways he never raised his voice or got angry and I know out relationship has changed him and I am part to blame for that.
He scares me and he has out of anger and frustration grabbed my arm in front of the DC and they all still remember it because it terrified them.
I shall just keep my head down and carry on as we are until he is calm enough or be time is right

Maybe time to call women's aid x