Part time dad.. full time relationship

[louisebrownx]

So I've been with my partner 4 years , we live together and we have a 16 month old girl.

The last few weeks I've been studying for my exams as I'm a nursing student in my last year. I had a whole year off for maternity where I did absolutely everything, looked after my child day in day out as you do as a mum, done all the housework aswell, made my partners dinners for work, just everything really while he done nothing and just sat about. He gets lie ins at a weekend, even when I've been up with our daughter through the night.

So I had a big nursing exam coming up and I had to study for this as it's vital I pass. I was with my child all day and then using night time to study, my partner was useless and wasn't helping me out. He was putting our child to bed and that was about it. He was leaving dishes not done and still demanding that I make tea, even though I told him how important it is I study for my exam.

I've studied more than I can even think straight and on top of that, being a mum, tidying a house etc and just trying to keep my sanity to be honest, it's been so difficult.

Anyway, exam came and was done, not sure how I've done yet. After the exam, a few of the girls from uni asked to go for dinner so I went. My partner was at home with our child, he starts calling me and texting me asking when I'm coming home. I said I was going for tea I'd be home later, he continues to harass me asking when I'm home as he's not had tea.

Whenever he is out with his friends or away anywhere, he gets left to it. I don't blow his phone up and I don't ask when he's coming home etc. Some would say he's wanting to find out where I am or who I'm with, it's not even the case. He just wants to know when I'm going to be home so I can make our tea or so that he doesn't have to be alone with our child. Atleast this is what it seems like to me.

He had a works night out for Christmas, he told me he would only be going out for a few drinks. He came home and couldn't walk or talk, he woke our child up at 3am. The next day, he just sat about in bed and didn't get up until 3pm that day. He just ruined our day and my child's. The weekends are supposed to be his time with his daughter. Fair enough, he doesn't go out an awful lot so this was fine, I didn't get mad. He deserved a night off.

So this week comes, he has now decided he's going out again this weekend. I wanted to go out this weekend with my friends, I've not had a single night out in months. When I said I wanted to go out , he said I had a night out after my exam. If you call going for dinner with a few of your friends after the biggest exam of your life a night out but then needing to be back home at a certain time, yeah sure.

We don't have a babysitter for this weekend as my parents had my daughter last weekend while we were at a family meal with his family. His family have only ever had our daughter to stay over one night, they never ask or offer as they just don't want her overnight. Which is fair enough, but it means we only rely on my parents.

The first thing he said when I said I wanted to go out this weekend was that I would need to ask my parents to have my daughter, I said no because they had her last week and they've got plans aswell, why don't you ask your parents? Which he replied to no because they're busy. Usual.

My problem is, my partner just had a night out last weekend with all his friends and work pals and it lasted near enough the whole weekend with him lying in bed.

1. shouldn't I be allowed some me time with my friends? Time for me to let my hair down, without needing to try find a babysitter? That's why he's there is it not?

2. should he be going out AGAIN this weekend when he's just had a night out last week? Surely fair is fair. I don't see why he needs to be going out again.

So I told him I wasnt happy and he shouldn't be going out etc. He's not listening to me and he's saying he's going out anyway. So now I've to stay in and let him go out when I just don't think it's fair. I'm close to breaking point now and feel like screaming at him that I'm leaving, but I know that wouldn't make any odds. He hasn't spent much time with our daughter recently and whenever I'm around , he just takes a back seat. I don't know why women are expected to do more than men all the time and it's just how it happens so therefore we don't say anything and think it's okay.

Any advice please. Am I wrong or is he wrong?

Seriously, what would change if you did end it?

Why are you with him? At all? He doesnt make your life better??

He’s a wanker and will only get worse.

Dump him, enjoy being independent for a while and don’t let the next man you meet treat you like a skivvy.

You would be better off without him, he sounds utterly useless

Thanks for both your replies. I guess you could say we are with each other because we live in the same house and we share a child. I have spent many months thinking this over in my head, trust me. There are periods of time where we get along and everything's great. Then there are periods of time where I am so miserable and just keep thinking what if. I just assume this is something all couples go through and that it's just a phase and it will soon get better, which it often does. I'm just not sure if things would be better without him? Is this just how things are after you have a child. Is it just me with the issues, am I just not laidback enough? Because I can assure you that he would assume I am the issue.

I'm close to breaking point now and feel like screaming at him that I'm leaving

Do it. And MEAN it.

I’d be finding a local teenager who wants extra funds to babysit.

Nooooo no no, this is not how it is after having a baby. This is a pretty extreme lack of involvement from him and an extremely low level of personal freedom for you, make no mistake!

Do you love him still??

It is not normal. He is an ass..

I'm at the fact that he was hassling you to come home and make him some dinner while you were out with your friends. What a knob!

I'm not sure I still love him. I question myself a lot about this. If you are asking if I look at him and just think you are great, then no I don't. He doesn't make me feel great. He doesn't appreciate what I do. He doesn't appreciate everything I do with my daughter. We went to a Christmas party yesterday and he wasn't interested, he didn't even ask how it went. Just little things like this I suppose, I just don't think much of them until I actually think about it.

I was out at my parents house last night visiting. He got home from work at 5pm and I knew the house was a bombsite as I didn't have time to clean with rushing around trying to get to the Christmas party on time. I asked my partner if he could have a quick tidy of the house before we got home. We got home at 8pm. So he was home 3 hours on his own, came home and he had done nothing. He put our daughter's toys back into the box, that was all. There was washing sitting he could have put away and dishes he could have done. He made himself tea but hadn't bothered to make any or leave any for me knowing I was away. It's just these kinds of things, I just expect it. Whereas the second I put my daughter to bed, I run around getting all these jobs done while he continues to sit about or says he's going out.

I've spoke to my parents about how I feel in general and they have both told me that I'm letting him walk all over me. He doesn't make me see it this way, whenever I say something about it. He just puts it all on me, I actually believe it is me. So then I just accept it and I end up apologising. It's never his fault.

I don't know why women are expected to do more than men all the time and it's just how it happens

We aren't, you've allowed him to become this by doing it all for him, before you had the baby did you make his tea and do his laundry too?

What would change if you split? Well for starters you could give him every other weekend access with your daughter so YOU get the break that YOU deserve too and he would see that by having her a couple of nights it's not as easy as he thinks.

Gosh OP, this is a really clear LTB

Sounds like he has checked out

Tbh he sounds very controlling. He wants you at home in the kitchen

Make yourself self sufficient and he will hold no power over you. Look for a reputable baby sitter.
If you split up you will have the extra support without relying on family.

Yes you are right, I have.

Yes I did cook for him. I've always had to mother him, probably because his own mother always has too. He's never had to do his own dishes or do his own laundry. His family are all drinkers, he gets that from them.

I just thought he would want to spend some time with his family when he's broke up for Christmas, but he has other plans. Which means I don't. If I was to then say I wanted to go out with my friends tomorrow night instead, I'd be made to feel guilty and I would worry he doesn't know what he's doing.

While I was out for tea , my daughter has been quite unwell the last few days just with a cold and being sick. He was messaging me while I was at dinner with my friends saying i should have taken her to the doctors etc as she's not well. I asked him if he had checked her temperature, he didn't even know how to do this?

Being a student nurse I know vital signs and what needs medical attention and what doesn't. I knew my daughter was ill with the cold but she didn't need medical help when I was with her.
Now surely he should know what to do in those circumstances, he can't just call me etc. So he made me rush back early from my meal because I was terrified that she wasn't right.

It wasn't until this that I seriously started thinking, what would he do if I wasn't here?

Look you know you're enabling him to an extent. Tell him to make his own tea from now on while you ponder your future. Either way changes need to be made or you'll burn out.

Bloody hell my husband is doing horrendous shifts ATM but if he's in before me he'll still put the tea on if I haven't pre prepared. It's teamwork.

He’s very clearly a massive wankbadger. Shit partner and shit parent.

“I've always had to mother him”: no. He wanted you to do all the domestic work and you complied.

You’ve made bad decisions having a DC with him and staying with him this long when he’s behaved like this, but can change things for the future. Focus on passing your exams - you cannot rely on him to parent so will need to find babysitters to enable you to study.

While you plan what to do, stop doing any domestic work for him at all: this will free up some time.

Manchild much? You've already got one child to look after, and you have this adult one too, that's really, really shit for you especially as you're studying on top too. Wouldn't life be easier without having to look after TWO children?

And with the kindest of respect, please STOP doing everything for him, it's enabling his behaviour.