Part time dad.. full time relationship

[louisebrownx]

So I've been with my partner 4 years , we live together and we have a 16 month old girl.

The last few weeks I've been studying for my exams as I'm a nursing student in my last year. I had a whole year off for maternity where I did absolutely everything, looked after my child day in day out as you do as a mum, done all the housework aswell, made my partners dinners for work, just everything really while he done nothing and just sat about. He gets lie ins at a weekend, even when I've been up with our daughter through the night.

So I had a big nursing exam coming up and I had to study for this as it's vital I pass. I was with my child all day and then using night time to study, my partner was useless and wasn't helping me out. He was putting our child to bed and that was about it. He was leaving dishes not done and still demanding that I make tea, even though I told him how important it is I study for my exam.

I've studied more than I can even think straight and on top of that, being a mum, tidying a house etc and just trying to keep my sanity to be honest, it's been so difficult.

Anyway, exam came and was done, not sure how I've done yet. After the exam, a few of the girls from uni asked to go for dinner so I went. My partner was at home with our child, he starts calling me and texting me asking when I'm coming home. I said I was going for tea I'd be home later, he continues to harass me asking when I'm home as he's not had tea.

Whenever he is out with his friends or away anywhere, he gets left to it. I don't blow his phone up and I don't ask when he's coming home etc. Some would say he's wanting to find out where I am or who I'm with, it's not even the case. He just wants to know when I'm going to be home so I can make our tea or so that he doesn't have to be alone with our child. Atleast this is what it seems like to me.

He had a works night out for Christmas, he told me he would only be going out for a few drinks. He came home and couldn't walk or talk, he woke our child up at 3am. The next day, he just sat about in bed and didn't get up until 3pm that day. He just ruined our day and my child's. The weekends are supposed to be his time with his daughter. Fair enough, he doesn't go out an awful lot so this was fine, I didn't get mad. He deserved a night off.

So this week comes, he has now decided he's going out again this weekend. I wanted to go out this weekend with my friends, I've not had a single night out in months. When I said I wanted to go out , he said I had a night out after my exam. If you call going for dinner with a few of your friends after the biggest exam of your life a night out but then needing to be back home at a certain time, yeah sure.

We don't have a babysitter for this weekend as my parents had my daughter last weekend while we were at a family meal with his family. His family have only ever had our daughter to stay over one night, they never ask or offer as they just don't want her overnight. Which is fair enough, but it means we only rely on my parents.

The first thing he said when I said I wanted to go out this weekend was that I would need to ask my parents to have my daughter, I said no because they had her last week and they've got plans aswell, why don't you ask your parents? Which he replied to no because they're busy. Usual.

My problem is, my partner just had a night out last weekend with all his friends and work pals and it lasted near enough the whole weekend with him lying in bed.

1. shouldn't I be allowed some me time with my friends? Time for me to let my hair down, without needing to try find a babysitter? That's why he's there is it not?

2. should he be going out AGAIN this weekend when he's just had a night out last week? Surely fair is fair. I don't see why he needs to be going out again.

So I told him I wasnt happy and he shouldn't be going out etc. He's not listening to me and he's saying he's going out anyway. So now I've to stay in and let him go out when I just don't think it's fair. I'm close to breaking point now and feel like screaming at him that I'm leaving, but I know that wouldn't make any odds. He hasn't spent much time with our daughter recently and whenever I'm around , he just takes a back seat. I don't know why women are expected to do more than men all the time and it's just how it happens so therefore we don't say anything and think it's okay.

Any advice please. Am I wrong or is he wrong?

He sounds like a selfish inconsiderate bastard and his family are bastards who don’t deserve the privilege of being around your gorgeous child.

He’s like this because he can be. He’s always been allowed to be and now there’s a child he’s still trying to. He asked you to come back because he hasn’t been fed. Are you some sort of incredible fucking chef? He’s not incapable he’s a lazy cunt and can’t see you moving on, putting a career infront of you and wants you to stay at home and say fuck all.

I’m a hormonal little monster today. Ha.

Put your foot down and show him you not having it! You’re already doing a lot of lone parenting and your parents sound great. You don’t need him, he needs you! Let him know that!

Pathetic little child. You deserve so much more! He should be pushing you out the door and telling you to enjoy yourself!

This is not the norm for how things are after having a child, especially past the days of relentless feeding and crying, where things can take their toll on your relationship.

You’re doing extremely well to be studying for your nursing degree, doing all the childcare and housework... I barerly get all the housework done despite having a supportive partner!

You deserve better.

Thank you for all your comments. I think I've had it drummed into me for so long that I'm the one not doing enough, or it's me that's at fault that I actually have believed it. It hurts, a lot.

"I guess you could say we are with each other because we live in the same house and we share a child".

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Your relationship bar is really and truly low here. Those are really no reasons to stay with him now. Your parents are right; this man is truly walking all over you. You may as well have doormat written on your head, he sees you as someone to mug off. Read up on codependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with your own behaviours around this manchild.

Make a better life for yourself without him at all in it. He brings you nothing but emotional pain.

Since having Ds we now have a calendar in the kitchen which we both writ eon if we are out or have plans etc. If I'm on there as having plans on Sat for example and DH wants to do something then it's his responsibility to arrange a sitter, it works for us as we don't take the Piss (as your DP is doing) and both are equals at home.

Yes i cook more, because I enjoy it, but he hoovers daily, tidies all the time (I'm so messy and he isn't) You have to be partners,.

You're noticing it more now you have a child because of the fact that there's someone else to mother, not only him.

If I was you I’d grab the baby and a bag and head to your parents for the evening. You deserve so much more than this.

If you weren’t there, he would pull himself together.

I think too many women stay with pathetic partners because they are convinced that the partner/their children would suffer if they weren’t there. And I’m firmly convinced they’re incorrect.

People do pull themselves together when there’s no one there as a safety net.

If you’re getting nothing back from this man, then prioritise yourself and plan your exit. Everyone deserves love and respect from a partner - and the person to give you that is out there somewhere.

Don’t realise in 20 years time that you’ve made a martyr of yourself for this worthless man child.

on your behalf

One of my siblings just finished their nursing degree with kids so I know how tough that must have been for you. Especially as they have a supportive partner!!
So well done in your exam. Good luck with your results. Don't let him stop you enjoying your Christmas, and graduation etc when the time comes!!

I couldn't be with someone who refused to make his own meal! FFS!

Please don’t let this slide. Not all men are like this my DH isn’t nor is my own dad or grandad.

Be clear - get him to spell out what is his contribution to the running of the house and the effective parenting of your daughter. The way you spell it out it sounds like a 90-10 split of responsibility.

You’d find it easier on your own.

What happens for childcare when you are on your course?

There are periods of time where we get along and everything's great.
You mean as long as you do everything for your daughter and all the housework and cook him dinner and do everything else for your family? Not my idea of everything’s great.

Hi guys thank you for your replies. My partner came home from work today, barely said two words to me or our daughter, got ready and has gone out tonight. So I've been sat at home tonight and had my mum over.

I'm not sure what my plan is yet but I know I'm going to be okay no matter what happens. I have a good family support system.

I use nursery while I am at uni and working, also his grandmother helps us out a lot as she is still able.

I'm trying to imagine him caring for your daughter when you qualify and are working shifts - I'm not seeing it.

Agree, ask him what he is going to do when you are at work?
Then plan your life with no help from him as he is not going to give you sny