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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Date tonight...I’m already worrying if there’s a red flaf

38 replies

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 11:52

I go on dates a lot and always get asked out again. This is the first man I’ve been properly interested in for a long long time. We have spoken for the last two months (online dating). He’s just got back from a wort trip in Asia so this is the first opportunity we have had to meet. He’s not married, I’ve looked him up and I know someone who knows of him.

I’m terrified! Usually I would waltz in and not care really what happened. I usually only meet for a set time like an hour, with him we’ve just said we will meet for drinks.

I’m scared and on the brink of cancelling. Keep thinking of what could go wrong. He only ended a 5 year relationship in October! Is that a red flag?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 11:52

That first sentence sounded really arrogant. I meant usually I am confident and have no reason to assume it would go badly!

OP posts:

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 21/12/2018 11:54

I wouldn't say it was necessarily a red flag. Depends why the relationship ended? Was it dead for a long time before then?
Relax and enjoy your date!

Redglitter · 21/12/2018 11:55

I can't see why youd think its a red flag to be honest

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 11:57

I thought red flag because it seems quite soon?

basically he found out she was cheating in june. tried to move past it. she continued lying and he ended it. went abroad to asia for headpace. back now.

OP posts:

Redglitter · 21/12/2018 12:06

I think youre over thinking. He was probably detached from the relationship gor a while before that. I dont think moving on relatively quickly would be something id see as a red flag at all

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 12:08

ok. just do not want to end up a re bound situation!

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 21/12/2018 12:08

Are you trying to give yourself an excuse not to go? If you aren't feeling it then cancel but if he seems nice I don't see the harm as it's just a date, you don't have to get involved with him and if something does come out of it just take it slow.

pissedonatrain · 21/12/2018 12:09

Ending the LTR and immediately begin talking to you is a red flag.

How do you know he isn't still with her?

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 12:10

im just nervous about it. i never meet men in the evening, always a lunch!

OP posts:

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 12:10

pissed i know he is no longer with her as theres a mutual friend.

he ended it in september. we started talking start of november.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 21/12/2018 12:17

I would go on the date but I would suggest you keep it very casual.

I've been in this position before and basically ended up as Rebound Girl.

He was constantly comparing me to his ex (not out loud - I found this out from his best mate) which was very hurtful. He then ended it - 3 months after asking me to marry him. Wanker.

helpafellaout · 21/12/2018 12:28

It's not a red flag...yet! Depends on how well he has moved on, and what his intentions are. Maybe you;re a rebound, or maybe he had a few one night stands, realised he didn't like it and wants to start looking for someone new to share his future with.

If you don't want to go don't go. If you do go, go in with an open mind, he might be great, he might be an a*sehole but they're both exclusive of time elapsed since his last relationship.

thisusernameisrubbish · 21/12/2018 12:32

I highly doubt he's looking for anything serious, but that should be something you ask him.
You've been speaking a long time so I guess you've built it up in your head more than you would just to meet after a few days of chatting.

It's no big deal. Go in with low expectations. You may find that you really don't like something he says, or he smells or he's rude lol.

If you've been on loads of dates then you know this is just another date. You know what to expect. Evening just means you can dress up a little more if you want to. Have fun.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/12/2018 13:25

He only ended a 5 year relationship in October! Is that a red flag?!
Not necessary but there is no way he's ready for another relationship yet.
You will be his rebound girl.
If you're OK with that then crack on.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Sometimes rebounds can become longer term.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/12/2018 13:29

I think his relationship is a red herring,

The difference here is that you like him more than the others, and this is what might be flagging up for you. It's not his flag that's waving it's yours op

OldWomanSaysThis · 21/12/2018 14:06

You might have developed a false sense of intimacy with the prolonged pen-pal stage of emailing and texting putting more pressure on this first real life date.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/12/2018 15:01

I wouldn't want to get involved with someone who had only ended a long term relationship 3 months ago. Especially if he was that hurt he had to go half way round the world to get head space
Taking that into account I wouldn't bother with the date. It sounds less like a red flag and more like a potential drama.
But then I am extremely cautious. I just know that if I was with someone for 5 years and they cheated on me I wouldn't be ready for something new after 12 weeks. I would probably be seeking comfort and maybe a quick fling but definitely nothing long term.

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 15:32

ahh yes this is why i am conflicted! he said it started falling apart around may this year.

but still. it is soon. and i want to settle down. dont want to waste time with the wrong people!

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ALittleBitConfused1 · 21/12/2018 16:57

I would swerve it then in that case. Tbh when talking to someone one of the first questions I ask is how long have you been single. Anything less than a year I stay away. I think men are v quick to look for something new before they are ready.

LizzieSiddal · 21/12/2018 17:08

But if he found out his ex had been unfaithful in July, he may have checked out of the relationship then, which makes it 5 months.

But I may be biased as I finished a five year relationship in the Feb and met my future husband in the August. We’ve been together 30 years.

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 17:14

It's difficult because (although we havent met - i am aware of this!) I like him. He's one of few people i've had a click with over messaging. of course that could mean nothing in person.

i think i am going to give it a go. lizzie that is a lovely story! 30 years! i think he checked out much earlier than the september, but equally i think he was very hurt by it all. i guess if i am going to meet him, i will have to tread carefully and not ignore that.

OP posts:

Firstty · 21/12/2018 17:21

I know what you mean OP- I was the same. Always asked out again (not bragging- it's basically because I'm exactly like my photos and my messages were true to my personality so if they already liked that enough to go on a date there would be no reason not to ask me out again) but I never felt enough to bother seeing them more than a couple of times. Then I met one guy who was super funny and charming. I did like him but he just went a bit cold after a couple of weeks. He cancelled a date and I replied saying that was fine and I didn't hear from him again (apart from a year later when he wanted to meet but I had already met my lovely DP). So have fun but stay on your guard!!

Original poster

Datenerves01 · 21/12/2018 17:24

Thanks Firstty i think i am prepared to maybe get a little hurt, but i also dont want to waste a chance to meet someone i have had an (albeit online!) click with.

ahhhhhhh world of dating.

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 21/12/2018 17:27

You go and enjoy yourself. His recently ended relationship was probably over for a long time, you'll find out more if you get to know him. Keep it light tonight, have fun.

Let us know how you get on! I can't wait to hear.

Good luck.

WishfulThinking08 · 21/12/2018 17:31

Go ahead & enjoy your date..just be glad he is now free to be with you tonight..it’s a little too early for those red flags as yet.

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