Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I save my relationship by living separately?

37 replies

splishsplosh35 · 21/12/2018 09:44

Ok mumsnetters I know you can be brutally honest so do your worst, I can take it.......I think.

My boyfriend is incredibly lazy and inconsiderate when it comes to household chores/ DIY etc. He also has not earned any money since June which doesn't seem to be bothering him at all. I do all (and I mean all) the jobs at home and 90% of the childcare. I have a part time job that covers food, gas/electric and petrol. His mum pays the rest (She does not live with us). He mostly lies on the couch. He went into business with a friend in June and when he bothers to go to work, they sit and drink tea and not much else from what I can gather.

I have tried various ways of getting him to do jobs around the house from little ones like taking out the bin to bigger projects like decorating my step sons bedroom. Nothing has worked. I am trying very hard not to take it personally but i am so very tired and hurt by his attitude. I feel like a single parent - at least then I'd only have my son to clear up after!

Despite all this, I love him and want to be in a relationship with him. I believe he is suffering with depression but have brought this up a couple of times and it has not gone down well.

I have run out if things to try to make it a better situation and am down to last resorts.

I want to suggest my son and I move out but that we don't split up. I have my own flat that I rent out so I could potentially give notice to my tenant. My boyfriend could come and stay with us a few nights a week and we could stay with him when my stepson is there. That way we would both have our own space and our own expenses and I wouldn't feel like I was his maid/mother/bottomless pit of money.

I feel this is a drastic measure but not unique. I am just so unhappy and willing to try anything!

I would really be interested in hearing from anyone who has done this and made it work or who found it to be a complete disaster, or, of course, anyone else's opinion. TIA xx

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 21/12/2018 09:52

I would give your tenant notice and move back to your own place.

Then see how long it takes your boyfriend to contact you. Don't contact him first.

If the first thing you hear from him is a plea for money, to come round for dinner (that you pay for and cook) or to stay the night at yours (with your nice warm heating that you pay for) or anything other than proving that he has got his act together as a functional adult (including getting help with his mental health, or asking you to help) then you have your answer.

Make him prove with his actions that he wants to be in a partnership with you. I bet he won't though. And you will feel so free and powerful without him as a millstone round your neck.

ComtesseDeSpair · 21/12/2018 09:54

There are two completely separate issues here, really.

I think that a couple having separate homes, providing it’s what you both want, can be an excellent foundation for a relationship. I’m very independent and have gotten used to having everything in my flat my own way: I can’t see myself living with a partner again. There is nothing wrong with this set-up.

But doing it for the reasons you would be are not the right ones. Your partner is lazy and selfish and doesn’t care enough for your needs or comfort to sort out his behaviour and start adulting. That’s your main problem here. Even if you live apart, you’re likely to simply realise he’s lazy and selfish in a myriad of other ways as well. He isn’t going to become a caring, considerate, attentive partner just because you live apart - you’ll just be lucky enough not to have to spend as much time in his company. What are you really getting out of this relationship? What are you both modelling to your DS about relationships and expectations of men? You may think you love him but I’d bet a lot of it is just habit and dependence.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/12/2018 09:56

I really cant see the benefit to this relationship at all - what is there to love about him when he spends his entire days lazing around ! My exh did nothing around the house and I resented him so much it just made me fall totally out of love with him, its disrespectful and downright irritating.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 09:57

Get a kennel run and keep him in that like an exotic pet. That's how much use he is.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2018 10:51

I am wondering if you are infact codependent in relationships and are also confusing love with codependency. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you knocking yourself out like this for this ungrateful sod?. Why are his needs still paramount here over yours and your son's?.

His mother is also continuing to facilitate his life just as you are doing. What is the point of him being there at all, he hit paydirt when he met you really and now all he does is lie down on the sofa. He is not your fixer upper to improve and he never was yours to rescue and or save.

Move back to your flat with your son asap and work on you through therapy. Your boundaries in relationships are very damaged and this has also allowed this opportunist into your life.

Notacluethisxmas · 21/12/2018 10:56

Why the fuck would you be with him at all.

His mum pays most of your shared bills?

Original poster
splishsplosh35 · 21/12/2018 10:57

Thank you all, I really appreciate your honesty and think you all make valid points.

Say I were to end the relationship.......being lazy and selfish does not make him an unfit dad so my son would be with him a lot of the time without me there. I worry about the care he would receive. My guess is he would be sat in front of the tv, he would not be bathed, his teeth would not be cleaned, he would eat whatever was in, he wouldn't be put to bed at a certain time but left to fall asleep wherever he stopped. I can't bare that thought quite honestly.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/12/2018 11:02

Nah that's unacceptable. He isn't a good dad, he's a shit one. What does he do for his kids? Nothing. He doesn't care enough to rouse himself.

I suspect if you split he'd chuck a tantrum then melt away at the prospect of actually caring for his kids.

Villagelifer · 21/12/2018 11:02

OP what you've just described (not providing basic care) would make him an unfit dad.

Gina2012 · 21/12/2018 11:03

It's unlikely he'd see your DS much imo

Also imo you can't stay with your DP to ensure that your son gets his teeth cleaned and doesn't watch too much TV

AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 11:06

You need to stay with him becsuse he is an unfit father ? Listen to yourself.

wizzywig · 21/12/2018 11:07

Op that is an unfit dad. Its neglect.

LemonTT · 21/12/2018 11:22

The only role you have in his life is as an unpaid nanny to his children. That is the role you will still have, except you will no longer have the income from your rental. He will probably expect you to contribute if you stay at his.

Concerns about the welfare of children in his custody can be reported and investigated. I think you need to give his other sons mother a heads up if you leave. Although I expect you have been told she was controlling and nagging.

Notacluethisxmas · 21/12/2018 11:26

He is a lazy fucker.

What makes you think he would even want your son half the time?

Let be honest, you are making excuses

Foodylicious · 21/12/2018 11:35

Can I just clarify that you bith have a DS each?
Yours lives with you full/most time, and his lives with OH (and you) part time?

How old are DS and how long have you lived together?

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/12/2018 11:35

So you clean up his mess and mummy pays his bills?

This is where "its just what men do" has got us Blush

Please stop excusing his bone idleness by labelling it as depression....thats insulting to people who have depression.....

The reality is he's a straight up feckless waster and you and his mother are enabling it.

Even if you move out, its not suddenly going to rewire his brain...how can you even respect this manchild?

maximumcarnage · 21/12/2018 11:37

Agree with the other posters, I think it unlikely he'd want your son over. Maybe initially he would, show willing in a sudden change of circumstances. But he'd soon get bored of that. It would cramp his leisurely and lazy lifestyle. And at any rate, staying with him is going to teach your son some pretty grim lessons. Like the woman should do all the work and the man should just chill out. Is that a message you wish to reinforce?

pallasathena · 21/12/2018 11:41

You do realise you are modelling future relationships for your child don't you?
And why can't you see that this relationship is totally toxic? What is wrong with you?
You have an innocent child in the middle of all this. How can you be a good parent if you are allowing your child exposure to such a damaging, toxic, dreadful dynamic.
You need to wake up OP.

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/12/2018 11:45

.being lazy and selfish does not make him an unfit dad so my son would be with him a lot of the time without me there. I worry about the care he would receive. My guess is he would be sat in front of the tv, he would not be bathed, his teeth would not be cleaned, he would eat whatever was in, he wouldn't be put to bed at a certain time but left to fall asleep wherever he stopped. I can't bare that thought quite honestly

You've just described an unfit dad to a tee. What exactly is it that you think negates all his shitness to make him not an unfit dad? I think you need to take off the rose-tinted spectacles and recognise him for the useless waste of space that he is. Do that and you might just find that the last vestiges of supposed "love" that are holding you back might just disappear.

ButteryParsnips · 21/12/2018 11:49

He won't want to have your son. It'll be too much like hard work. Hard work is your job, haven't you figured that out by now? Hmm Yes, move back to your own place and leave him to mess up his life on his own.

ChristmasUsername · 21/12/2018 12:03

I live a bit like this. It has peaks and troughs.

Pros.
You can relax in your own home and only have to rely on yourself (flip side of this is that when you can't afford to do something or you aren't coping as a single parent - which is how it will feel - you will build up resentment towards him).

You don't have to answer to anyone.

You only have yourself and son to look/clean up after.

You can have guests and not be embarrassed by lazy sod on sofa and mess he's lying in.

You will be able to choose when and what you do for fun, often I feel men see just living together as bonding time so stop making any effort to do nice things.

Cons.
He continues to live in a tip so when you're there you spend ages catching up on stuff any way.

You stop going there due to stress of seeing unpaid bills, no food etc in the house and the mess.

He treats your home like a full board hotel.

He will use that you 'abandoned him and took away his child' against you. That's the way he will see it from time to time.

His family and friends may not understand or support your decision.

This is how it is for me, I'm glad I done it but the cons are very real and it took about 4 months to stop resentment building when I was having a bad day as a single mother. It was a conscious decision to try to stop those thoughts eating away at the very little respect I still had for OH. Be prepared for total lack of understanding, upset and empty or minimal time limited promises to do better. Perhaps have a secret time frame in mind so if things don't pick up by X date you will start the ball rolling. Good luck. My relationship wouldn't of survived if I had t moved out. Fact.

Original poster
splishsplosh35 · 21/12/2018 12:55

Foody - he has a 13 yr old son, we have a 20 month old son together. We have been together for 3 yrs, I moved in when I was pregnant. He didn't want me to, but I wanted us to be a 'proper family'.

Christmas - thank you!!

In response to a few others- he will want to see it son, he had took take his ex to court to see his other son and they said all sorts about him (I don't know what was true and what wasn'). He sees his son every other weekend and 1 day in the week.

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 21/12/2018 13:17

Your son will survive every other weekend and 1 night a week.
It won’t be that bad for him. And if it becomes extremely bad for him you go to court to end contact.

FYI I can tell you this now, you may shroud this with not wanting him to have your son alone. But really sit and think about wether that’s the real reason

Original poster
splishsplosh35 · 21/12/2018 13:53

Travis - yes I do not want to be apart from my son, he is my absolute world.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 14:01

He "didn't want you to move in" but you forced the issue anyway < shakes head >

Swipe left for the next trending thread