Can I save my relationship by living separately?

[splishsplosh35]

Ok mumsnetters I know you can be brutally honest so do your worst, I can take it.......I think.

My boyfriend is incredibly lazy and inconsiderate when it comes to household chores/ DIY etc. He also has not earned any money since June which doesn't seem to be bothering him at all. I do all (and I mean all) the jobs at home and 90% of the childcare. I have a part time job that covers food, gas/electric and petrol. His mum pays the rest (She does not live with us). He mostly lies on the couch. He went into business with a friend in June and when he bothers to go to work, they sit and drink tea and not much else from what I can gather.

I have tried various ways of getting him to do jobs around the house from little ones like taking out the bin to bigger projects like decorating my step sons bedroom. Nothing has worked. I am trying very hard not to take it personally but i am so very tired and hurt by his attitude. I feel like a single parent - at least then I'd only have my son to clear up after!

Despite all this, I love him and want to be in a relationship with him. I believe he is suffering with depression but have brought this up a couple of times and it has not gone down well.

I have run out if things to try to make it a better situation and am down to last resorts.

I want to suggest my son and I move out but that we don't split up. I have my own flat that I rent out so I could potentially give notice to my tenant. My boyfriend could come and stay with us a few nights a week and we could stay with him when my stepson is there. That way we would both have our own space and our own expenses and I wouldn't feel like I was his maid/mother/bottomless pit of money.

I feel this is a drastic measure but not unique. I am just so unhappy and willing to try anything!

I would really be interested in hearing from anyone who has done this and made it work or who found it to be a complete disaster, or, of course, anyone else's opinion. TIA xx

Does he have his other son overnight? And if so (or even if not) how much of the parenting work is actually done by you? Or his mum?

I think you've got a good plan.
I hope it works out for all of you.

So he didn't want you to move in but you did anyway? His behaviour may stem from that. Not excusing any of it at all, but it could be part of the reason.

Yes anyfucker it was very naive, but did what I thought was right at the time so no point judging me for that now.

Thanks kayaking x

Buttery - yes he stays with us overnight, I do everything, he takes him to school in the morning. He has to do any homework at his mum's before he comes to us so she can make sure it's done.

I agree Ryder

I am not judging you but there is a certain inevitability to your situation now. He was a dick then and he is a dick now.

Cut your losses and move on. This was always a disaster from day one.

Just go and live in the house on your own and invite him round less and less.
Oh! But he probably won’t want to do that, because your house will be nice and warm and clean and filled with food!

Look you had a kid with this arsehole. Which it sounds like he didn’t much want. So it’s inevitable that he’s going to want to have some little interaction with it.

If you’re so keen on the whole “my son” attitude you should have gone to a sperm bank.

You would actually rather stay with this utter dick head for the foreseeable than not see your son for 8 nights a month.

He didn't want to you to move in. He doesn't pay his own bills. He is an unfit father who can't manage to provide basic care for his young child.

By the sounds of it, he won't care you have moved back to your own place. He can pop by and visit. He didn't want more back then and he won't want more now. Crack on.

You were daft to move in.

Move out.

If you want to keep on the relationship, do so if you must, but don't have him round to stay any where near as often as you're suggesting, you'll just end up in the same situation, waiting on him and paying for him. Date him and go out together as a family, he pays his half - if he wants to lie around a house/flat, he lies around in his own.

Splitting up completely is a far better option. your little one will be fine with contact EOW and you'll get used to it. Also gives you opportunity to find someone who is not a complete lemon.

The clue was him not wanting you to move in and you insisted regardless.

Move back to your own flat. A dad who would not ensure teeth are brushed and a decent meal eaten...isn't a good one.

My question would be why would he go along with any of this. He didn’t want you to move in and he probably won’t want the hassle of having you around or going to yours. He is fixed in his lifestyle which is that of a teen. He has been facilitated in this by his actual mother and by you acting as mum v2.0.

So here are some hard answers. He, along with the boys mother, is responsible for the stepson. This child’s care and parenting is not your responsibility. You are not his mother. He already has one and he has a father. They make decisions about his care and his upbringing.

As for your child, you are exposing him to a really bad example of parenthood and adulthood by maintaining this relationship. This will not stop in the one you describe. He will still see his mother being an unappreciated skivvy and nanny. He will still see that if you don’t try, someone (a woman) will come along and sort out your life and your needs. In the meantime your time is spent running after a man and not your child. When you are taking up your boyfriends slack you are not playing with your child, educating your child or caring for your child.

You have one child not three. The other 2 have mothers already.

Which bit of he doesn't want you there are you struggling with?

This is the domestic equivalent of constructive dismissal.

Give up, you won't win here.

This is another one of those threads where I'm left baffled that any sane human being would put up with this shit. Why do you think so little of yourself?