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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP playfighting with DC...

49 replies

Bogger · 21/12/2018 08:25

DP and I have been together five years and have one dc. I have 3 dc from a previous marriage. DP is 7 years younger than me. My dc are 8, 10 and 14.

DP is an oversized child at times and often play fights with dc, they all enjoy it although get very boisterous and over exited and have to be told to stop (dc that is).

Yesterday my 10 year old DS was tired and DP started playfighting with him. Ds told him to stop and buy him really hard on the arm (leaving a mark). DP then poked him in the leg, he does that and it kind of hurts but he thinks it’s funny.

Ds started crying and went up to his room. I let rip at DP and told him to apologise and he said no because ds but him first.

Dp did go upstairs and apolgise but ds told him to get out and told his brother he didn’t want to come downstairs and see dp’s ugly face.

This morning youngest ds told DP that older ds had said about not wanting to see his ugly face and DP called him a fairy. I told DP not to ever say that to my dc like that again and told youngest ds off for stirring.

DP has a go at my parenting in front of dc saying that I should have told older ds off for the comment about not wanting to see his ‘ugly face’.

I’m fuming. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TeamSpirit · 21/12/2018 08:28

Your dp sound like an ass. Really. I feel sorry for your son.

AnyFucker · 21/12/2018 08:32

How many children did you say you have ?

Original poster
Bogger · 21/12/2018 08:33

Exactly

OP posts:
TeamSpirit · 21/12/2018 08:36

Is he always so childish and mean?

Aussiebean · 21/12/2018 08:37

The incident started when your ds said stop and your dp didn’t.

After the #metoo movement, I think respecting people enough to follow their clear boundaries is a very important lesson we should teach our children. (Not that this is a #metoo thing, but it definitely is a ‘respect yours and others boundaries’ thing)

Your dp should know that and your ds should be taught that. You have a right to establish your boundaries and have them respected, just as you must respect others.

Your ds is reacting like a 10 year old who tried to establish his boundaries and had them trodden on by one of the main adults in his life.

I think when you said ‘but ‘ you mean ‘bit’. Again. He was trying to establish a boundary but went too far as a 10 year old would. All playing should have stopped and that discussed.

Unless he is always having his boundaries crossed and he bit trying to make his point knowing a simple stop wouldn’t work.

The thing to remember is ds is 10. Dp is the adult.

Pinkmonkeybird · 21/12/2018 08:38

He's one of those Peter Pan types aka...a twat who thinks he is still a kid. My ex was 7 yrs younger than me and thought it was hilarious to tease my DD most of the time. Hated it when I told him to stop. I'd be having serious words as this is not on.

Original poster
Bogger · 21/12/2018 08:39

Generally they get on well and it’s very unusual for ds to get upset, I don’t think he’s ever fallen out with DP before. He’s tired and emotional and had had a very long day and DP was being a childish twat. And still is.

OP posts:
nameuseroriginal · 21/12/2018 08:40

I couldn't be arsed with that, would drive me insane!

Jackshouse · 21/12/2018 08:41

That situation is not play fighting. It’s assault.

Original poster
Bogger · 21/12/2018 08:44

DP said he didn’t realise he’d hurt ds, that that’s how they usually playfight. I’ve said he is never to play fight with any of my children again. The problem is the dc often initiate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogger · 21/12/2018 08:46

Surely the normal thing for an adult to do would be to feel mortified and apolgise?? He shouldn’t have to be told to.

OP posts:
TeamSpirit · 21/12/2018 08:48

Precisely. He blames a kid. 'He started it'. How awfull..

Santaispackinghissleigh · 21/12/2018 08:49

Ime he has no respect for your dc.
And he is effectively bullying them.
Also ime it won't get any better.
You will always be on edge around your man child.

TeamSpirit · 21/12/2018 08:51

It may be a "small incident" but it says a lot about him..

Blondebakingmumma · 21/12/2018 08:57

Rather than tell him no play fighting again. Have a talk about boundaries.
Play fighting is a healthy part of a relationship IF it is done with respect

Sethis · 21/12/2018 08:58

"Never playfight again" is imo the wrong response.

You've already said that they all enjoy the playfighting on a regular basis. It's a positive thing for them. There's no need to strip that from them over a single incident.

I'd have a sit down chat with both of them and make it absolutely clear that if one of them says stop then it just stops. Flat. Apologies exchanged and then monitor.

GrandmaJane · 21/12/2018 08:59

You have a man living with your children. He shows them he’s top dog by ‘play-fighting’ when they don’t want to, and belittles them, using homophobic terms.
This is down to you. You brought him into their lives. The answer is simple. Either you ditch the ‘dp’ or your children have to endure this.

Kittykat93 · 21/12/2018 09:01

Your dp is an idiot

whiteworld · 21/12/2018 09:02

Your ds is probably tired and emotional - it's the end of a long term at school.

Your dh is acting like a childish twat. He should have been mature enough to step away, respect ds's boundaries, and let him go to his room. He should have apologised too.

Is he often like this, or is this unusual?

Weightsandmeasures · 21/12/2018 09:12

You are treating you DP like a child. This relationship is going nowhere.

You say your DCs initiate the play fights but have instructed your DP never to play fight with your DCs in the future?

The whole thing sounds like an extreme reaction by you. Your son was not in the mood for a play fight. Your DP thought he was up for it. He wasn't. Tempers flared. The best thing would have been to let everyone calm down and then let your DP and DS apologise to each other in their own time. It sounds like they would have since they have a good relationship. Now, I suspect that relationship between your son and DP is damaged. You and your DP do not appear to have a mutually respectful relationship.

I play fight with my son and husband sometimes. On various occasions none of us were in the mood and have snapped at each other. It's okay. That happens in families. Blowing it out of proportion and setting unhelpful rules is not the best way forward in my view.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2018 09:25

Bogger

Why are you with this emotionally immature manchild at all?. What is in this relationship for you that for you is still worth holding onto?. He really is a poor example of a stepfather to these children isn't he and this is on you as well.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 21/12/2018 09:29

Your partner sounds like an immature idiot. Do you feel it is acceptable to use homophobic insults towards a child?

Stop means "stop". Your partner is teaching your son that it is okay to ignore boundaries.

I would be having a very serious conversation about the precedent your partner is setting for your children, and why it is completely unacceptable behaviour from an adult.

magoria · 21/12/2018 11:21

Your DP is the kind of person who likes to poke you? and you DC hard on the leg so it hurts and finds it funny.

That is physical abuse. He didn't like your child not wanting to do what he wanted him to do so hurt him enough that he left the room.

Feckers2018 · 21/12/2018 11:39

Hmmmm awful behaviour. So what is this teaching your dc? That you can carry on hurting others even though they say no. Poking in the leg also is abusive behaviour and what if your dc did this at school to other children? They will be in trouble and will you own the problem?
Often I see bad behaviour and its not difficult to see where its coming from.
Playfighting should stop now as your dp doesnt respect boundries. Why is playfighting ever a good thing? It can so easily get out of hand.

Weightsandmeasures · 21/12/2018 12:04

Abusive behaviour? Seriously?

OP if you consider this to be abusive then end the relationship and contact social services.

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