DP playfighting with DC...

[Bogger]

DP and I have been together five years and have one dc. I have 3 dc from a previous marriage. DP is 7 years younger than me. My dc are 8, 10 and 14.

DP is an oversized child at times and often play fights with dc, they all enjoy it although get very boisterous and over exited and have to be told to stop (dc that is).

Yesterday my 10 year old DS was tired and DP started playfighting with him. Ds told him to stop and buy him really hard on the arm (leaving a mark). DP then poked him in the leg, he does that and it kind of hurts but he thinks it’s funny.

Ds started crying and went up to his room. I let rip at DP and told him to apologise and he said no because ds but him first.

Dp did go upstairs and apolgise but ds told him to get out and told his brother he didn’t want to come downstairs and see dp’s ugly face.

This morning youngest ds told DP that older ds had said about not wanting to see his ugly face and DP called him a fairy. I told DP not to ever say that to my dc like that again and told youngest ds off for stirring.

DP has a go at my parenting in front of dc saying that I should have told older ds off for the comment about not wanting to see his ‘ugly face’.

I’m fuming. Am I being unreasonable?

. Either you ditch the ‘dp’ or your children have to endure this.

sorry but this is absolute rubbish. From what I understood from op the children enjoy the horseplay within certain boundries. It's the boundries with agreement of all parties that need to be set

He called him a fairy that on it's own would have me pretty fuming. Not LTB fuming, but then I am putting that in the context of someone being other great with no history of homophobia or sexism......

that's not good I have to admit.

Wow!!!!,so your dp and dc play fight a lot,your dp tries to play fight your ds and your ds tells your dp to stop and bites him!!!,your dp shouldn't have then poked him in the leg but your 10 year old ds really really shouldn't have bit him!!!!,you then kicked off at dp but your ds is ok to bite an adult?

Ladysadie, that's the thing. The DP apparently have boundary issues and the DS is perfectly justified in reacting in this violent manner. The DS was the first to turn violent (and yes, at 14 he knows right from wrong) but apparently the DP is abusive.

From what I gather from the OP's post, her DP is treated like a child by her. He was the commanded to never play fight with her kids ever again. It is best if he leaves this relationship. It doesn't sound like there is mutual respect.

@weightsandmeasures

The DS is 10.

Not sure how old the DP is but assume he's over 12. "He started it" is the most childish response possible to being questioned on his behaviour.

OP I agree with others that the play-fighting should continue if your DC enjoy it, but everyone MUST agree that "stop" means "stop".

This may be a good time to sit everyone down and agree the "rules" around any kind of physical interactions. With the primary rule being "consent can be withdrawn".

Thought it was the eldest DC. A 10 year old does know right from wrong and biting as a response to frustration is not on.

Wow!!!!,so your dp and dc play fight a lot,your dp tries to play fight your ds and your ds tells your dp to stop and bites him!!!,your dp shouldn't have then poked him in the leg but your 10 year old ds really really shouldn't have bit him!!!!,you then kicked off at dp but your ds is ok to bite an adult?
I agree! Disgusting.
Dp thought they wanted to play fight and he gets bit yet he’s in the wrong ( assault, really?)
The fairy comment, not acceptable in the slightest though.
I agree if you’d left them to calm down and apologise then everything would probably have been fine

Op, can you pls clarify from your initial post. Did your DC BITE your DP? You said buy in your initial post but I wonder if that's an auto correct? I could also have misread. Can you clarify pls who if anyone bit who?

It's likely to be bite. Whatever it was, the act was done hard on the DP's arm leaving a mark.

I’d have told my son off for biting. But on the other hand DP was manhandling him and wouldn’t stop. Was the child supposed to throw him to the floor in a manly but non aggressive way?

Op this strikes me as your kids are not really very happy in this family arrangement and using various excuses to accuse your DP of goading/upsetting them. They seem
to be using events to turn you against him. Either you trust him with your kids or you don't. I assume you took a long time to get to know him before becoming a family so you must do? If you don't why is he in their lives? If he is a good man why are you letting your kids put him in this position and bite him? You are either a team or your not!

I'm not sure why your DC finds it acceptable to bite. I think you and your kids would benefit from living alone so your kids can benefit from some consistent and proactive solo discipline from you alone & a stable secure home life with just mum. I'm prob going to get flamed here but I can't really see what your DP has done wrong . They were play fighting and your child bit him, that raises the anti. Yes, your DP should have reacted diff but he didn't. I'm not sure I would take to well to being bitten either. In fact, if a child that age bit me I would go beserk and consider it an assault of sorts. A child that age should know better. Your DP was bitten, got angry and reacted. It looks like your kids press all his wrong buttons and they cannot adapt to him being there. Call it a day, share the care of your joint DC and focus on raising all your children alone and in peace . When they have grown and left home then you can then start a new relationship if you wish. Prob not what you want to hear but really what needs to be done given your family dynamic. I would also seriously look at what is causing your DC to bite as that is no way acceptable and I think that is actually your biggest issue right now as child clearly reacting to something and needs support. I would focus more now on what is causing your DC to bite and not how your DP reacted. Split up and invest in your kids.

Catherine, the child told him to stop and he didnt. My dad used to do this and looking back it was bullying. Who’s the adult in this situation. The child who bit someone much stronger and bigger then him to get him off or the adult that continued anyway. It got to the point that I would bite or scrape my foot down dads shins. I have no doubt who was in the wrong and it wasn’t me.

Imissgmichael I'm sorry that that happened to you. We ultimately are not present in OP's situation or retrospectively at yours. Looking at both on the facts provided,your mum or another responsible adult
should have done more to protect you. The mum/OP in this post should now protect/nuture her DC's . I can see form your words that these events still resonate with you deeply and I'm sorry that this happened to you and that no one removed that situation from you. I hope your experience , while distressing, is helpful to the OP also.

There was a thread about this a while ago that was an upsetting read. Posters responded to a similar post with memories of male family freind,uncle,or dad "play fighting" which often ended in tears and humiliation. I remember a so called family friend doing this to me and I'm still annoyed my family politely indulged this adult mans desire to hurt me under the guise of fucking "playing".

Dp then poked him in the leg, he does that and it kind of hurts but he thinks it’s funny

Does he think it's so funny he does it to other adults? Work friends perhaps? When a child ends up in tears from physical contact it's not playing.

Thanks Catherine

Many are ignoring the fact that the OP said it is her DCs who normally initiate the play fights. The children initiate and typically enjoy it.

The DP is being demonised and it is unfair.

I agree with Catherine that the home situation doesn't sound good. It's a confusing set up and neither the children nor OP has much respect for the DP judging by the biting and name calling. The DP was out of order to respond with the name calling.

Biting by a grown child shouldn't be justified unless that child is under physical attack that would bring harm to them and they are defending themselves. This does not sound like a situation where biting so hard that it leaves a mark was justified.

Many are ignoring the fact that the OP said it is her DCs who normally initiate the play fights. The children initiate and typically enjoy it

I don't think it matters what normally happens or who instigates it. On this occasion the ds didn't enjoy it and asked him to stop. If someone is play fighting with you, and won't stop when asked, they're just hurting you.

Yesterday my 10 year old DS was tired and DP started playfighting with him. Ds told him to stop and buy him really hard on the arm (leaving a mark). DP then poked him in the leg, he does that and it kind of hurts but he thinks it’s funny

I think a

Calling it play gets him off the hook, and the play fighting probably is play. But the poking isn't, that's funny to him because it hurts you and your children.

Why has he been allowed to carry on doing that? It isn't funny at all, it hurts, it probably bruises.

How would he feel if you hurt him? I bet he'd lash out and hurt you back, only more. He might just be playing, it doesn't mean he's not also a bully.

Children who protect themselves don't automatically have a problem. I have more issue with an adult ignoring a tired, upset child who says No, than a tired, upset child being driven to bite as the only way to make it stop.

Weight what on earth is a grown child. Are you talking about the OPs partner. The child is 10, he asked the so called adult to stop who was using his superior strength to carry on. The adult is a bully, why are you defending him.

Look I lived this as a child and survived by biting, scratching, stamping on feet etcetera. I wasn’t in the wrong and this child isn’t.

Imissmichael, in this context, I used grown child to describe the 10 year old in that at this age he knows right and wrong.

I'm sorry to hear of the abuse or bullying you endured as a child. You case sounds decidedly different to the one described by the OP. I can understand why your view on this is coloured by your experience.

Unlike your childhood situation, it is the children who initiate the play fights and by OP's account her DCs enjoy the play fights. This is fundamentally different to your situation.

On this occasion, the 10 year old wasn't in the mood. His reaction of biting just isn't right. Neither is the rude name calling. The OP's DP is wrong to have responded with unacceptable name calling too.

All in all, the family set up doesn't sound like one that promotes harmony. The family does not sound like a unit. There is the OP and her children and then the DP and his child with the OP. There are two separate families. The OP and DP doesn't appear to work as a team to parent all the kids together. Notice after living together for so long, he isn't considered their stepfather.

A possible outcome going forward is that the DP will focus on his child with the OP and keep his distance from the OP's other children. I imagine the OP will not be happy and will accuse the DP of showing undue preference for his child.

Oh fgs. Another post where the man is labelled abusive

The only thing I think he’s done wrong is the ‘fairy’ comment. That would anger me more than anything else

They playfight all the time. Millions of people have tried to wind someone up and got snapped at. But bitten?! Seriously?! Why on earth is your 10 year old child biting people???

There’s been times where I’ve been feeling playful and wound my niece or nephew up. 9 times out of 10 they’re happy to play along but there’s been times where they’ve not wanted to or been feeling a bit stroppy and pushed my hand away but never bitten

The boundaries aren’t clear. Your son has every right to say no to your DP when playfighting but it seems as if he goes from 0-100 instantly?

As I say, the homophobic attitude is the only thing I have a problem with here. I think the fact your child feels it’s okay to suddenly bite people is quite worrying.

No the dc shouldn’t be biting anyone, however he is 10. The adult here knew the child was tired and the child told him to stop.

The hold needs telling not to bite but the adults needs telling to stop “play” fighting, tired children.

The OP said "DP started playfighting with him.DS told him to stop and bit him really hard on the arm (leaving a mark).DP then poked him in the leg".
The OP did not say DS told him to stop,DP carried on trying to play fight then DS bit him.
It reads to me that the DS said stop and immediately bites the DP,maybe the DP shouldn't have then poked him in the leg but remember he'd just been bitten "really hard" "(leaving a mark)".