Feeling too gross to date someone seriously

[Loka123]

I know this seems silly but I avoid getting too close to potential partners (e.g. not staying the whole night etc.) due to some not so nice conditions e.g. I get IBS-D (I'm sure you know the symptoms of that), bloating/flatulence, aswell as other stuff that crops up occasionally such as BV, dry mouth after about 9 hours no matter how much water I drink (which can lead to halitosis), body odour and breathing difficulties at night (due to allergies) which might lead to loud breathing/snoring.

Due to this, I'd hate to spend anything longer than 10-12 hrs per date with a guy as can just about keep all these things at bay for that time period but would be harder if staying overnight etc.

I've tried solving all these issues but a permanent fix does not exist for any of them. I just feel so gross, esp as a female, that it is hindering dating more seriously. I feel very clean and fresh in the mornings after a shower but all downhill by the late afternoon.

Lots of people occasionally get BV, and have IBS, they’re really common. I’m not minimising your feelings, but neither condition is a reason to avoid dating.
Why is your body odour an issue? Is your dry mouth caused by medication?
Most people aren’t shower-fresh by late afternoon. Are you sure this isn’t more about your general self-image? You seem rather down on yourself.

Thanks for your comment haverhill..

Body odour perhaps due to diet quite high in sugar but very healthy otherwise (I heard sugar can cause bacterial imbalance allowing bad bacteria to proliferate), combined with a tendency to sweat a lot and eating of brussell sprouts, brocolli etc. as I feel these help the skin, etc. so don't wanna give them up.

No medication but perhaps generally being an anxious personality is triggering dry mouth.

Why on Earth is eating a lot of Brussels sprouts good for your skin
And what’s the point of having amazing skin if the food causes massive discomfort to your body
Have you actually worked out what triggers the IBS

Lots of people sweat a lot. It’s not unnormal

Have you been to the doctor

Have you gone on a low FODMAP diet for your IBS?
Btw, broccoli and brussel sprouts could well be making your IBS worse.

Yes to the Fodmap diet. I pretty much cured my IBS by giving up onions and garlic. You need to do try that diet yourself. Also, tbh, you sound quite anxious and negative. Maybe you need to work on that before starting to date.

I have IBS and it switches between C and D. I have terrible gas, and I also have over active sweat glands. I have a sleep disorder that means I sleep talk and move a lot. I didn't think anyone would stay with me.

I met DH 4 and a half years ago, I stayed with him one night early on in the relationship and in the morning we went for a walk. When we came back I had a terrible stomach and I had to use his loo and he had no air freshener. He wasn't put off for life. He laughed. We got married 3 years later.

You will find someone who loves you regardless. You aren't alone in having issues.

Sorry to hear you feel this way. I always swear by drinking kefir to help with the ibs-d. Also buscopan is good if your date involves a meal I think. As for bv you can get pessaries from boots called balance active which can prevent/cure. I've never suffered with BO but I think this is down to finding the right deodorant for me. I always carry a travel toothbrush and mini toothpaste for emergencies, along with some mini Andrex wipes. Takes up hardly any room in even small handbags. Think you should try to enjoy dating. X

Sprouts and broccoli give me terrible awful wind I wouldn't inflict that on anyone. Ok now and then but regularly I think it would cause anyone to have ibs symptoms! Is it zinc or something you think that's in them? You could take a supplement with that in.

I understand how you feel, when I was single I wasn't keen on all-nighters but you do seem very nervous about it. Being nervous only exacerbates your symptoms.

What about someone staying at your place? I wonder if you would feel more in control, for example, you could quietly get out of bed in the night and go to the bathroom, even lie down in another room which you can't do in someone else's house. Just a thought.

You can shower again before a date in the afternoon, it's allowed!

Bear in mind while you might have a few issues, plenty of men have similar issues and concerns, they are not all perfect either, so you could find someone in the same boat

Yes, cruciferous veg is surely really bad for IBS/wind? I would examine your diet and try FODMAP.
What about Mitchum antiperspirant or similar?
Yes to toothbrush and paste in bag.
The guys you’ll date will also sweat and fart and possibly have health conditions too! Try to relax.
Try the Headspace app, it’s really good.

you are eating something that makes 99.9% of the population gassy let alone someone with IBS
Good for your skin? I don't think so darling. I will tell you what's NOT good for your skin though is the sugar in your diet.

Dry mouth has causes. Lots of people have morning breath. Do you floss daily, brush your tongue and visit the hygienist every 6 months?

IBS again, do a FODMAP diet as suggested.

You're really not helping yourself op. I get it if you just wanted a moan but then you are eating stuff like that?!

Fine dont give them up but dont wonder why its happening to you!

you seem to imagine that guys will have no personal issues and will be perfect, great smelling all the time .
Guys aren't perfect either, they sweat, burp, poo and fart just like you.

I think the issue is your poor self image and negativity. Get that sorted!

Broccoli and Brussel Sprouts are two MAJOR causes of gas and bloating, op! Don't you know this? Stop eating them!

For IBS - FODMAP and lay off broccoli and sprouts
For Skin - Lay off broccoli and sprouts and just use hyaluronic and rentinol like everyone else
For Body - use hibiscrub on your skin when you shower (surgeons use it, it kills bacteria) - then moisturise.
For Dry mouth - loads of people get. Get a decent sonic toothbrush water floss and regular floss.

But mostly, what strikes me is you this is more about how you feel rather than how you are...

Broccoli and sprouts are probably amongst the worst things you can eat. Who goes in a dye for more than ten hours and if you did you'd have th opportunity to freshen up somewhere if you needed to!

@Travisandthemonkey Thank you for your response. I guess the high nutrient content, its anti-inflammatory properties and that I like the taste of brussell sprouts, brocolli etc (weird I know) always made me choose to eat it around twice per week. I do get bloating from it of course but funnily, I don't think it's one of my biggest triggers. The worst is probably over excitedness, stress etc. (i.e. emotional triggers cause painful cramps with a false urgency as if I need to go the loo) as I'm quite a sensitive and nervous person. Food triggers mainly cause painless bloating, mild diarrhea etc. I have been to the dr for some of these issues but they never get to the root of it - all they do is prescribe drugs which simply act as temporary coverups that have side-effects rather than curing at the root of the issue.

@AnnettePrice , @Mistlewoeandwhine Thank you. I have heard of low/no FODMAP diets but have not really tried it out properly as I have quite a few allergies so avoid quite a lot of foods anyway (e.g. eggs, milk, wheat, high fructose fruits) so didn't want to be too restricted but might give it a go. Just noticed chamomile tea is to be avoided on the low FODMAP diet which I find very surprising as it's usually recommended for IBS to ease cramping and anxiety and I drink it daily....
& yes I am quite an over-thinker and a bit of a worrier. I know there's lots of smelly confident people who never let this kinda get to them but it's not in my nature to be so carefree :(

@Raven88 Ah thanks for that story - that does make me feel a bit better and the linked video was great too. I guess I always knew there's SOME men etc who won't find it gross but I feel like I'd have to restrict my dating pool simply to find such men/people, which feels sucky thinking about.

@blitzen Aw thank you for all those kind tips. Funnily enough, I did try kefir recently and helped hugely with breathing and generally I think BUT had 3 issues with it

1. The maintenance of cultures was too intense as the grains would quickly grow and require more and more milk, otherwise, would get over-fermentation and a boozy smell to it so involved a lot of weighing the grains, buying milk etc.
2. Main issue: it caused constipation to the point that I wouldn't feel the need to go to the loo for 3 days+ which is the opposite of diarrhea but not ideal/healthy either. I don't think this side effect is widespread though. 3)Tiny bit worried about causing SIBO by continually consuming kefir (apparently even good bacteria can exist in too large amounts that it becomes unhealthy to the body).

I have tried balanc active which is amazing but unfortunately, the BV comes back within days of stopping so it doesn't "cure" it.

I've tried brushing my teeth mid way through the day but it seems to dry out my mouth even further annoyingly.

Your tips are wonderful though and it did take me years to discover and try all the things you've suggested helpfully in one post.

@bobstersmum Thank you for your post. I don't think it's zinc as zinc supplements have caused acne in the past.. maybe I will need to look into it further.

@jessstan2 Thank you- Yes having someone stay at my place would probably help but it's unfortunately not possible in my current living situation nor a permanent solution e.g. when it comes to going on holidays etc.

@busybarbara Thank you for your response - haha yes I am very aware men can be even grosser but I feel socially, it's seems acceptable and even celebrated for a man to be gross (e.g. lighting a fart, smelly loo visits etc) compared to a female :(

@haverhill - thanks for your response. Brushing my teeth at midday makes my mouth dryness worse I've found (probably has drying ingredients in toothpastes). Did consider mitchum deos but think they contained aluminium which is cancer causing and accumulation in the body of it isn't good for general health anyway :( Will look into the app - thanks

@Justins Thank you for your post. Yeah I totally agree that sugar is bad for my skin and general health - just so damn hard to quit it. I've tried to quit it and seems do-able but then PMS will make me have very strong sugar cravings and I give in :( I'm generally a very healthy eater though. No crisps, fizzy drinks etc.

I do brush my tongue twice daily for the last 5 years+ and do visit the hygienist. Flossing is a bit of an issue due me having almost no gaps between some of my lower teeth esp. Haha I totally realize men can smell and be gross too but socially, that seems fine.. there's constantly stories about men farting in front of each other and finding it funny. Men often also do it in front of partners etc. whilst most women rarely ever. To be honest, my anxiety and negativity is probably a major cause of the dry mouth.

@Aquamarine1029 Thank you but even without them, I'm having IBS flares, esp due to emotional triggers. :(

@trojanpony Thank you for your helpful advice. I remember using hibiscrub post surgery once. Can it be used daily under the arms and as soap? Would it not kill "good, friendly bacteria" on the skin too? i.e. the ones that guard against eczema, dryness etc. Will look into water floss too - issue is my teeth are soo close together flossing is very tricky. Also, I have dental appliances on my teeth which can dislodge or deform or break during flossing..

@babysharkah Thank you - yes most dates etc usually only list 6 hours at most but sleepovers, holidays etc. will be much longer than that and not every situation will have all the "comforts" I need to get every gross issue sorted.

Have you tried CBT for your stress/triggers?
Stress is a huge factor, but I do really think you should get your rich green vitamins somewhere else. You may not think it’s a huge contributor, but just try it.

Lots of things cause cancer. And unless you’re smoking 60 a day then I think Mitchum is a good idea. I have used it.
Lots of people also suggest using organic soap instead of body wash

Also with the sweating, it’s very common indeed, women are conditioned to think it’s horrendous and unladylike, but it’s highly unlikely your body sweat smells really bad. Usually what causes someone to smell is not having clean enough clothes and then the new sweat triggers the old sweat in the cloth.

So you suffer from pmt and crave sugar. Can you limit it to then only. ?

After all of that, I really think that if I met you I would think you were just a normal functional adult, I know so many people who suffer from ibs. Suffer from excessive sweating etc. And if they feel ok about the positive parts of themselves then the rest is less of an issue.

I know if I dated someone with your problems, and we stayed over night, I would think nothing of it. Other than don’t eat fucking sprouts! Wether you like them or not!!!! It wouldn’t stop me loving someone or falling in love with someone

You need to see a GP because some of your diet suggestions are ridiculous. I have IBS-D and the standard advice is to avoid cabbage (which includes brussel sprouts), cauliflower and brocolli. Avoiding onions also helps.

Hi I also get IBS & everything that goes with it. I find mine gets worse when I'm nervous, when I don't have set meals & also sugar. You mentioned that you eat alot of sweet things, does this include sweets & biscuits? The reason why I'm asking is that some of the artificial additives in these make my ibs go off the scale. Funnily enough broccoli etc doesn't. See if excluding these work for you, if not discretely go to the loo & turn the taps on so that no-one can hear you explode

@Travisandthemonkey
Yes I have tried CBT many years ago but with little success and I had to wait over 3 months to see the psychologist for CBT then.

Yes I've tried limiting sugar to just before period but once I indiulge then, it's harder to re-quit again afterwards (I think it's similar to people who have addictions to smoking, drinking etc. who are often advised to completely quit it)

Thank you for your kind words :)

@Cherries101 Thanks for your reply. I looked into the low FODMAP diet today and funnily enough, I have omitted about 98% of the items they've listed to avoid (i.e. high FODMAP foods) just via observation of digestive symptoms after consuming them over the yeats. It's only really broccoli and brussell sprouts of the things to avoid which I still have.

@Joy69 Yes I agree with you that being nervous (and over-excited) can also trigger IBS in me much more than any food triggers. Yeah I had already noticed a lot of the artificial sugars e.g. mannitol, aspartamate, e-numbers etc. cause IBS symptoms as well as acne, mood swings etc. so I had omitted such snacks years ago. The only biscuits I did have were ones where it states no artificial colours/flavourings but even such biscuits, sweets etc. I've been trying to avoid completely in the last few weeks so only aiming to get sugar intake via minimal fruit intake (berries mainly as can't tolerate high fructose fruits such as apple)

@trojanpony I've just bought the hibiscrub today so will give it a go.

Have you had your blood sugar checked lately? Chronic BV can happen with diabetics.

I'd have to restrict my dating pool simply to find such men/people, which feels sucky thinking about.

You do understand that everyone's dating pool is limited to the people who find them attractive? Including their less attractive qualities?

It's not that you will only be able to choose from a small group of losers whilst everyone else can choose whoever they like...

Hello OP, re the kefir, I think it's about finding the right dose for you. I buy ready made kefir from Tesco (Polish stuff) which is cheap and hassle free. I have a glug every morning. The first time I had the whole bottle and was constipated. But a small amount is great.

It can be drying on skin - hence the moisturiser.
I use it every second shower on the areas that need it. (Feet mainly ) and once a week or so on torso
It has done utter wonders for my formerly stinkyfeet.

While you may have no gaps to floss the gum line is what you need to tackle - def get water floss and have a look at interdental teepees (some are tiny)

Good luck and keep your chin up!