In laws interfering in divorce and ruining relationships.

[MsLucyLastic]

Sorry, this is long to avoid drip feeding.

I have recently separated from DH. He has moved into his own flat. We have a DD (9).

The split is amicable as we love each other as family but not romantically. We have told both sides of the family that we don't want them to treat us any differently....my mum still views DH as her son, and DH and I are happy for that to continue.

DH spends time at the family home with DD and I. He comes for tea once a week, and is round tonight to put the Xmas tree up.

I am dating again. DH has met him and likes him. DH is dating again. I haven't met her but she sounds lovely. So all good.

BUT, DH's sister (my SIL) is repeatedly contacting mine and DH's mutual friend, asking if DH is alright. She thinks we are in denial about splitting up and need to spend less time together. DH has contacted her and put her straight, but she persists in doing it.

Friend has believed her and has since become very curt with me, refused invitations to things that both DH and I will be at, as he anticipates there being an "atmosphere" between DH and I.

MIL and SIL are also inviting DH and DD to things and excluding me. Despite DH telling them that this Xmas, we are doing everything together as we believe this is best for DD. DH said invite all of us or none. So we are now not going and doing our own thing.

MIL and SIL are constantly talking to every one except us about the split, blaming me for DH not contacting them enough, blaming my mum for inviting DH to things.

We may be strange in how amicable we are, but AIBU to expect the in laws to talk to DH rather than mutual friends if they want to know how he is? And to not blame me if DH doesn't contact them every day.

The stress they are causing is the only way in which our split has been stressful. But I am getting to a point where I can't see how I can have a good relationship with them due to their behaviour.

Tune them out. It's all noise you don't need as you move on with your new life. That includes the new relationship with your ex husband, your child together and your new life in the future. Focus on good things and literally ignore anything that doesn't add value.

Thank you poglets. I will try, certainly. I just hope they don't sour many more of our friendships.

It is as if they would prefer drama and acrimony. Weird people.

I have recently separated from DH
Give it time, I'm not sure how recent it was but in my experience it takes friends and family a long time to accept the situation. I split with my exW 18 years ago, a year later met my DW and we have now been married nearly 15 years. This Christmas we have had cards from friends who ignored us until now. It seems to take some people far too long to accept a situation.

I am afraid you will have to harden yourself. You will have to accept that this is their choice and they face the consequences.

I have not left my husband but we went through real problems last year. His family were a large factor in those. I now have nothing to do with them. I don't engage with them at all. They can hate me from now until forever. I do not give a shit. I will not yield. I am protecting my children. You do the same. You'll feel invincible.

@John4703 is also right. But don't spend years waiting for someone to accept your choices. Don't feel bad. You don't need their permission.

Good luck OP and well done for managing a civil separation. You've done brilliantly.

Interesting @John4703. I got together with my DP not long after he split with his then wife. We've been together almost 4 years and as far as we are concerned are going to be together forever. But, one close family member of his still refuses to meet me and has invited DP's son and DP's ex wife for Christmas (ex wife isn't even the mum of DP's son) and isn't seeing DP at all (or me obviously). It's all faintly bizarre. As is you getting Christmas cards after 15 years - what is it with some people?

@poglets and @SunsetRabbit some people can be so strange. While I was married to my ex some friends got divorced and I tried to stay friends with both of them. One of the divorced friends said that I was the only person who had done this.
I am totally committed to sticking with my current wife forever as she is wonderful.

You are both right. Thank you.

I need to let go of those things I can't control. Because ex and I never really argued, noone knew anything was wrong, so our split did come as a shock.

I suppose I just thought they would be happy that we are still amicable. Instead of attributing feelings to us which are totally incorrect.

That is bonkers behaviour from your exes family SunsetRabbit. Aren't people very odd with really misguided ideas of allegiance sometimes?

Congratulations on you and stbx on being able to handle your split in such a mature and caring way.

I agree that his family are being jerks to drag others into this, but to an extent you and stbx really can't dictate the way they handle your split. If they choose to no longer regard you as a member of their family and no longer include you in family occasions, that's their right (and their loss). As time goes and your lives diverge it's quite possible that you and he will start to do more separately and that situation will begin to resolve itself.

As far as friends, if they take his family's word for 'the way things are' over yours and stbx's, they weren't very good friends to begin with.

It sounds like they are over invested in your life, but I do not know how you stop that.

The thing is that folk have a culturally accepted script that they apply to things like divorces. Ime when you go off script, they become very uncomfortable. It's often because they are subconsciously threatened, "was I wrong to follow the script? Was I stupid not to notice that I can actually choose how I'm going to deal with things like this?" And they want you to go on script so they can feel comfortable again.

It's sometimes an extremely powerful compulsion, this thing where they try to make you act the way you're "meant" to. They'll project every kind of evil motive on you, in an effort to force you to conform.

All you can do is leave them to it, ultimately.

Ime it can be good to just acknowledge to them verbally that it's hard when things don't play out as you expect bit that you hope in time they will come to see that you are doing divorce differently. It can help for them to have that little prompt to ponder on. But in the end, you can lead a horse to water, etc.

Keep your chin up. Try to take the rough with the smooth. Things like this inevitably settle down, unfortunately some folk kick against the change so much, it makes it much harder than it has to be

I have friends in a similar situation to you - they split because their relationship as a couple had degenerated to pretty much brother/sister level, and because they were attracted to other people.

However, they live in the same house still (financial issues) and everyone still treats them the same, because they pretty much ARE still the same! In fact, if you didn't know they were separated, you wouldn't know, iyswim. Luckily, both sets of parents are cool with the situation so there isn't the same level of interference you are suffering.

And all of us friends are quite happy to stay friends with both of them because THEY are still friends.

It's a very good set up and I cannot fathom why your MIL and SIL would actively seek to disrupt it - you have the best outcome of any, really, where a split is concerned and they're trying to fuck it up!

I'd be tempted to ask them WHY they would prefer you to not get along? Who are they trying to upset, you, your exH or the children? Because currently, you're all happy - why would they choose to try and fuck that up?

I'm in a very similar situation, completely amicable and still spend plenty of time as a family. People really find it hard to deal with! I don't know why they think it would be better if we did cold handovers and hated each other...that would hurt our kids and since we don't hate each people should be happy for us, if they must have an opinion! You're doing the right thing, well done.

There are people who find it very hard if not impossible to get their heads round this kind of situation because of their need to compartmentalise relationships. There is nothing you can do except to stop letting such attitudes occupy space in your head.

My own parents remain fiends after their divorce and other people know our family accept it for what it is. As a child I found that comforting.

Who is anyone to tell other people how to divorce - 'be acrimonious or if not you must be swingers!'

Thank you so much everyone. I really am grateful to have peoples thoughts.

We can't control what his family do or think, but only our response to it. I am pleased that others have managed an amicable split too. Ultimately it is our children who matter.

We’ve had a fairly amicable split but MIL has been foul. She needs someone to blame (me). Refused to have the kids to stay in holidays anymore as perceives that to be helping me out with work when she’s only interested in helping her son. Baring in mind I am mainly single parenting her 3 grandchildren, stbxh can’t afford to pay me any maintenance and one of kids is disabled (would be the non disabled ones which went to her) this is really petty and also denies kids opportunity to see their cousin (her only other grandchild). She used to help out, visit and have kids to stay a lot and enjoyed it (she’s widowed). Now she barely sees her grandchildren at all. My family still treat stbxh the same and welcome him into their home with or without me especially when it’s best for kids. Stbxh has asked his mum not to do this but she seems to like the drama. I’m sure my name is mud in her family with all the fabricated tales. No one else was involved our marriage just ran out of steam with kids needs zapping all time and energy. She knew our life raising profoundly disabled child was tough but is choosing to play the blame game. It’s all done behind my back when she still sends me birthday cards etc as though she isn’t being vile about me to everyone. Her loss as her grandkids are ace. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you not to be invited to things if they are not comfortable with your new situation. I’m sure my MIL thinks she is fighting her sons corner even if he doesn’t want her to!

Agree, you can’t control them, but just get on with doing things in ways that work for you, your ex and the DC.

Your friend has sadly prioritised his friendship with the in laws: he is primarily responsible for his actions there.

Agree re we can't control who my in laws invite to things. So proud of exH telling them that he won't be going either then.

When they find out that exH has met my new bloke, I suspect that their heads will explode. Oh well, C'est la vie.

Friend has shown where his loyalties lie. He has contacted my exH to say he thinks he is in my bad books. ExH has taken the opportunity to explain how inappropriate his behaviour has been.

I feel sorry for exH. He is mortified by the behaviour from his side. He knows he always has a family in my family, and is very close to cutting his family off for their behaviour.

Our new partners know that ex and I will always be family, will always want to attend DD's school things together, and have her birthday together. They know they are welcome to join in with that. DD is over the moon as we have explained that she isn't losing mummy or daddy, she is gaining even more grown ups who will love her too. Our new partners are 100% on board with that, or we would not be with them.

I find it sad that his family seem to think that divide and rule is the best way.

God knows how I will get through Xmas. DD, exH and I are off to my mum's. MIL has also been invited. Wish me luck that I don't slip arsenic in her turkey!

It's great you're all getting along but be aware over time you May need to create a bit more distance between you and Ex, even temporarily it can help especially when your new partners are more established.

I totally agree RandomMess. Luckily, my other half is totally on board with it, and adores my exH, DD and family. He is totally up for what we are trying to achieve.

ExH's new lady doesnt have kids but is a teacher, so is also totally on board.

I imagine over time, contact will reduce and settle down into something maintainable over the longer term. Which would be fab.

I think northernglam is on the right track. MIL and SIL need someone to blame and that will never be their DS/DB so that leaves you. Add to that the fact that you are dating (how very dare you!) already means 2+2= any number except 4. How can you move on so easily from their perfect DS/B, they simply can't understand so need to create a reason and blame you.

Sorry about the ex-ILs but you, your ex, and your respective new partners all sound totally awesome, and your little girl will benefit so much from how you're all treating each other :)

Resist the arsenic she's not worth doing time for

I suspect they are projecting their own cr*p and disappointment onto you, totally their problem!

I think the in laws needing someone to blame may also be on the right track.

Apparently our friend that they involved is now seething at them. He didn't realise that they were talking utter bollocks and is now furious. So the in laws are really doing well at maintaining relationships!!

Thank you to all who have said my DD will benefit from our approach. We really hope so. I asked her how she felt we had handled the split and she said "perfectly mummy". Bless her. She has adjusted so quickly.

We have told her it's ok and understandable to be sad, that it will hurt for a while. But that one day, she will wake up and realise that she doesn't feel sad anymore. That things aren't better or worse, just different. She seems to understand that, and exH and I are in constant contact about how DD is and school etc.

I just hope we don't fuck her up too much in the long term.

My exH has told her that it is ok for her to like my new chap. That it doesn't mean she loves daddy less, and that he is happy that mummy and her have a new friend. And DD sees exH and my DP having a cuppa together and getting on.

We don't want her to feel torn or split.

God, I hope we are doing this correctly.