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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bring made to choose 😔

54 replies

Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 18:42

Hi ,
Advise on this matter would be appreciated.
My partner of 2 years hates with a passion my friend of 12 years.
Reason for his dislike are her not always having my back and on occasion screwing me over as he sees it .
Also I have mentioned to him things that have happened that cloud his judgment as in days gone by she has been single and enjoyed a vast amount of no strings fun .
Totally fine in my view and I’d never judge her for it .
Any time I arrange to see her my bf makes me life hell and basically forces me to choose by being verbally horrible about her and saying I’m not being loyal by picking her over him .
It’s a war he says as she’s hell bent on coming between us . Crazy thing to say as the insecurities and issues are his not hers or mine .
I’d never dream of telling him who he can and can’t see based on my opinion of them
In a bit shell if I go out with her before Xmas then I’ve ruined Xmas and made my choice
I will not be dictated to and said I’m going out and he should grow the hell up and stop acting like a child .
He can’t believe that given we’ve argued before about her why I’d agree to see her again and so close to Xmas .
Feel like I’m losing my mind as he’s very good st turning this around on me .
What should I do and is this relationship even worth continuing with if this is how it’s going to be going forward .

OP posts:
Fuckingnamechanging · 20/12/2018 18:47

Kick him to the kerb Sweetie. He sounds like a controlling wanker. You can do better than that!

IggyAce · 20/12/2018 18:49

Op you need to dump him, he won’t change he is trying to isolate you from friends once he’s done that he will move onto family. Big red flag that he manipulates it so you think it’s your fault.

Tattybear16 · 20/12/2018 18:50

Give yourself the best Christmas present ever by getting rid of him. No one needs a controlling git for Christmas. Just think how happy the New Year could be free from him.

CrazyBaubles · 20/12/2018 18:51

Are you sure his issue isn't that she can see how controlling he is so he doesn't like her?

I would end your relationship. What he's essentially doing is telling you that you must do what he says OR ELSE. All these emotional threats he's using about your ruining Christmas, he can't believe what you're doing, you're being disloyal. All designed to alter your behaviour.

WingingItStill · 20/12/2018 18:55

I wouldn't put up with his from a partner.

Kikidelivers · 20/12/2018 18:57

I suspect he’s attracted to her

lifebegins50 · 20/12/2018 18:59

He is entitled to not like her especially if she has caused you pain BUT that's as far as it goes. He can't stop you seeing her and if it's such a big deal he needs to accept it or just agree you aren't compatible and separate.

Ex had a friend who was awful, especially towards his wife and I avoided his company for that reason. I didn't stop him however I now realise that Ex had to have sympathies with his friends misogynist views to enjoy hanging out with him. So friends can reflect our values but he can't try to force you to stop seeing her, that has to be your own decision.

poglets · 20/12/2018 19:02

Oh OP. Please get rid of your partner. This is how it starts. And it gets worse. He has no right to tell you who are your friends. It's extremely controlling.

MulticolourMophead · 20/12/2018 19:45

OP, I'm jpining in with those telling you to get rid of him. He really isn't good news.

Original poster
Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 19:53

Thanks for the replies I know it’s controlling behaviour . Last message was this , Let's be clear about this....you know how much I love you and you know how much I don't want you to be around 'it'. So if you want to carry on being my fiancee and you change your mind, give me a ring.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 19:54

Definitely not

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/12/2018 19:55

Your dp doesn’t have to like your friends, but he has absolutely no right to make you choose. I’d choose my friend every time, regardless of what she’s done in the past, his behaviour is far worse. Anyone who made me choose would be dumped quickly.

AppleScoop · 20/12/2018 19:55

Just text back: 'you won't be hearing from me again.'

Sorry OP. He's not good enough for you. WineThanksCakeGin

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/12/2018 19:56

I’d simply reply ‘ok’ and then go out with your friend and block him

Whocansay · 20/12/2018 19:56

I would call your friend, go for drinks, post a picture on FB and tag him.

Dump this twat. Keep the friend.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 20/12/2018 19:56

Hang on, when has she 'not had your back' and 'screwed you over'? Maybe she is the problem and he can't understand why you are giving her the time of day but being rather too forceful about it. I agree his reaction sounds OTT, but let's hear what his objections are before he is universally condemned.

MulticolourMophead · 20/12/2018 20:03

I agree his reaction sounds OTT, but let's hear what his objections are before he is universally condemned.

His reactions are enough to condemn him already. He's really trying to force the OP to choose him. A decent person wouldn't do this.

Original poster
Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 20:03

He’s hatred of her is based more on his dislike of how many partners she’s had and says I’d be tarred with the same brush .
Ridiculous I know .
Also she tried to charge me for something that was free and can be self centred at times , nothing major that is unforgivable. A few lies here and there and posting of memes that were about me that type of thing

OP posts:
DeeDs33 · 20/12/2018 20:04

I know you love him and are engaged to be married but this behaviour is not acceptable from him.
If your friend had given him good reason or caused any problems directly for you or your partner then I'd understand.
Please do not marry this man. It's not about the friend anymore, he's emotionally abusing you and very much controlling you. This could get out of hand further down the line and it's such a terrible way to live.
Your best friend is single, she'll be by your side if you leave him! And the fact that she's remained by your side given his views of her proves amazing, strong, loyal friendship! I'd definitely choose this friend over a control freak!

Grandmasterflush · 20/12/2018 20:06

This is the beginning.

Original poster
Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 20:07

I’ve had to end a friendship with an ex who was a friend of 6 years cause he felt you can’t possibly be mates with an ex , you can but I ended friendship for him .
I’ve had to take guy friends off facebook and he’s absolutely hung me out to dry fur accepting a guy as s friend that had the same taste in music and part of the same scene . All the while he has lots of women he didn’t know on his FB it sounds bad I know

OP posts:
Original poster
Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 20:14

You have made the choice. Not me....the ball has always been in your court regarding it. Nice how you can discard the one's that love you unconditionally for that creature. You could have said to it ".. I've had some problems at home and my fiance won't like it and it'll probably spoil Xmas, so best leave it"... but you havnt. It's you and it that has spoilt Xmas, not me, so don't try and blame me,...'it' is obviously more important than me, Xmas and the effect it has on others.....I had us booked in for a meal on Xmas eve but she's killed that too. 👏👏 Well done 'it', you've managed to fuck up several people's Xmas. Take a bow! 😡

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 20/12/2018 20:15

you know how much I love you and you know how much I don't want you to be around 'it'. So if you want to carry on being my fiancee and you change your mind, give me a ring

Don't bother replying. Block and move on.

It doesn't matter what friend had done in the past. He is making this all about him.

He chooses to have Christmas ruined.
He chooses to give you an ultimatum.

Be friends with who you want. You will be happier and you will find someone who gets on with all your friends, male or female.

Original poster
Moonie1970 · 20/12/2018 20:15

These messages are just awful to read back , it’s txt book controlling emotional abuse .

OP posts:
McWilde · 20/12/2018 20:17

Isolating you from friends (and family) - check.
This is a red flag
Look up red flags for abusive relationships, I bet my house you'll check off more than one.