I'd really like to meet someone but I attract red flag wavers

[hmmhohmmm]

I've spoken to six different people over the last fortnight who initially seemed hopeful

2 at length

But I realise that every single one has been blaring red flags at me

Do good men just not exist anymore once you're a single mum in your thirties? Or try another site?

what red flags, for example? Why don't you speak to more people?

They have exes who have restraining orders but it's all easily explained

Or they do things like be sexually explicit before you've even met

Or they explain why they don't see their children

And so on...

Which sites are you on?...... I have to say I have come across my fair share of guys online who just want to talk sex chat etc. Some sites are worse than others..... I weed out most of them by stating explicitly that I'm a) looking for a relationship b) no weirdos need apply in a roundabout fashion.

You will always get the chancers though..... Block button becomes your best friend!

Pof...

well the purpose of dating is to weed out the bad ones, why don't you talk to more people? obviously good men exist, you just need to try more, speak to tens, hundreds if need be.

I've been on it 2 years... I've spoken to hundreds

And now I notice I just keep pulling in red flaggers

I'm thinking it's something about me thats drawing them

Have you tried Bumble 😊?

Is that the Facebook one? I don't keep up my Facebook and have it locked down for when I occasionally do because of kids photos

I wonder if something on your profile gives the impression that you are vulnerable / have low self-confidence / are desperate to be loved / you say things like “I’ve been hurt a lot in the past”; “I just want to meet somebody who will love me for me”? Or things to that effect.

I may be entirely off the mark and I’m not intending to be hurtful. But the sort of men you describe prey on the sort of women I’ve described, and whilst virtually everyone has the odd bad experience OLDing, what is describe - two years of hundreds of men waving “red flags” - is particularly bad. It isn’t your fault you attract men like this, but being aware of the signals you might give off would be a good place to start and therefore work on yourself.

Yeah your problem is using PoF! It's full of creepy fuckers.

As anaviasalamanca says , the purpose of dating is to sort the wheat from the chat I've been at it for months still haven't found her, spoke to a friend of mine this morning it took him 6 years and he's a good looking bloke

Yeah pof is awful. Tinder is much better believe it or not!

There simply are a lot of them! But not all of them. It takes time to sort through the shit.

To attract the red flag wavers is easy, all you need is a vagina, and to breath, but sometimes not even then!

Don't be put off by the scum, just keep wading through till you get to a good'un

I think you are fine, even more so because yu can see the red flags!!! You are streets ahead, know you deserve the best and keep your eyes wide open,many can't see the flags, you're in a good place, don't berate yourself.

Thanks I guess I will download tinder... I honestly thought that was for hookups but it's not anymore?

Do not chat "at length". Two to three days at most. If they seem likely, meet up quickly.

my at length is about 2 phone calls... but where you have heartfelt conversations beyond small talk about something or other that's a shared interest

Early on I made the mistake with a catfish of talking for weeks and that was one of the most awful experiences. He knew my life and he wasn't even real.

I'm thinking it's something about me thats drawing them

Frankly I think this is likely to be true. I have met 5 blokes on internet dating and all sane nice guys, although only 2 that I went on to date long term.

However we can’t really advise if we can’t see your profile.

I met a few guys on diff sites over the years... all arseholes. But it’s true of those I initially met in RL too.

One turned out to be leading a double life, had a conviction for a sex crime and basically if I hadn’t have found out- by a complete fluke- my whole life as I know it would be over. Couldn’t make it up, total nightmare.

So be careful on these sites.
I’m resigned to never meeting anyone ever again.

Tinder is no more just for hook ups than any other site, and the quality tends to be overall higher, it was when I was using it anyway.

There's also Bumble, which I've not used but heard is ok too.

Tinder is slightly better because a guy can't even message you unless you both like each other. Make it clear on your profile that you are NOT looking for ONS.
Be selective. Don't compromise on your 'NO's'
There is a new one now called Theinnercircle that looks quite good.
I believe on Bumble it's OK as well because the women have to message the men.

Have you tried match.com? From what I've heard there are less creepy blokes on there. They also do events so you can go and meet loads of people in one night and there is less pressure. Might even make some nice new mates that way as a bonus, my friend did!

I've not been in Bumble. I met my (nice!) DH on Match, but that was almost 10 years ago so can't really vouch for it now.

Are you contacting people, rather than relying on them contacting you?

I don't think it's you. Most of my friends, all mid 30s or so, have the same issue.

Now granted a few are single mums so will find it harder anyway, but the others are also struggling.

Of the two guys I am reasonably friendly with, one 29 the other 34, both have said they will never marry or have kids. Their reason seems to be mainly that they just don't need the "grief" and that they don't need a woman for anything so what was the point.

They can have sex whenever they want with women from dating apps and see no benefit in anything long term.

I think there has been a cultural shift in men that we havent noticed. We still want to settle down, have a family and raise children. Guys these days just dont. I think it will only get harder as time goes by. Men and women just want different things I think. You can say they're all immature and need to grow up, but it's all irrelevant when they won't have kids with us.

I guess you have to work on your "game". You need to stand out from all the other women they have to choose from. Ask yourself why they would choose you over the other woman. Mostly though, they just seem to go for the pretty ones. Which for most of us is something we hate, but we have to try to compete if we want a man.

Not sure what the solution is. Maybe we have to find a way of being "useful". Not sure how that would work. Kids was the one thing we could provide a man, but now they don't want that. Leaves us in a sort of limbo. Not sure we ended up here. Even the girls in the office where I work "joke" that none of the guys ever try it on with them. It's like they have become invisible.

We are living in steange times.

You hit the nail on the head there, you're right most of us guys just wanting live life these days without the grief of long term stale relationships especially without kids, been there done, life's too short, why don't you just join in the fun ?