I'd really like to meet someone but I attract red flag wavers

[hmmhohmmm]

I've spoken to six different people over the last fortnight who initially seemed hopeful

2 at length

But I realise that every single one has been blaring red flags at me

Do good men just not exist anymore once you're a single mum in your thirties? Or try another site?

I'm joining the thread because I also attract loons!

Bumble can be downloaded and used with your phone number you don't just have to have Facebook to use it.

I would definitely recommend Bumble, Tinder isn't bad. I hated POF and lasted about 24hrs and had to delete my account it was by far the very worst I've used by a country mile. Okcupid is good too.

There's a dating thread on here which you can ask people to take a look at your profile to give you some pointers if you like ☺️ I'd be happy to if you want to inbox me. Come to the dating thread we are very friendly and helpful & it's really helped me loads!

Defo give POF a swerve.

Become useful??
Just join in the fun??

Oh dear lord

I’m using Bumble and haven’t come across people with red flags becaue im highly selective about who I contact and I have a very low threshold for bollocks behaviour. One guy was upfront and asked if I’d consider having fun and I said no but I liked that he was upfront and there was no time wasting. I’ve chatted to some really interesting people even if didn’t lead to a date. Get someone to look at your profile.

Plenty of fish is for ugly men who want to cheat on their wives. Seriously try another site.

😂 won't be joining in the fun of becoming useful but erm thanks

Downloaded tinder and bumble so will create a profile shortly on both

How do you put single overweight mum with a MH diagnosis who spends too much time on mumsnet down? 🤔

@whowouldathunkit: I think things aren't helped by the whole "Eat, Pray, Love" movement. I know of a lot of men - myself included - who were told they were good men and dads but got dumped because of the message that if a woman is bored that's a good enough reason to break up a family - because you deserve it! Not work on it. Not recognise that butterflies never last. Junk it because you deserve something more.

And while I'm sympathetic to the notion, it places a bind on men who were raised to be more caring, sharing types - those men who were made aware of the likes of Shirley Valentine and swore we'd be different. Because you feel now that nothing you ever do will ever be enough. I'm only human. I'm going to have faults. I wish I didn't but the best I can promise is that if I'm made aware of them I'll own them and try my best to improve. But look at Elizabeth Gilbert herself: even finding her True Love at the end of the book/film didn't stop her from divorcing him a decade later.

The reasons? "Love is complicated". "Soul mates are here to teach us things not to last". Well, I'm sorry but those complications tore apart the lives of a lot of people. I absolutely don't want that to happen ever, ever again. And a lot of men, from what I see and read, feel likewise. This isn't the toxic "red pill" stuff. It's nothing to do with women "knowing there place". Just a simple sense that you could try to be the best man in the world and still the person you committed to could throw everything away because they're bored or need to find themselves. And, for a lot of men, that can be a very high price: seeing their kids only every other weekend, having to leave the family home for a rented flat. That stuff is soul-searing if your a man who's grown up wanting to be a "new man".

So I think there's a trend with some men, being told online this is the way of things, to weigh things up, think the potential cost is to high and the stakes aren't that good and instead opting for casual hook-ups instead. It's commitmentphobia, for sure, and truth be told I think it's very sad.

(Name changed as post potentially revealing)

@hmmhohmmm

I hope you know those weren't my suggestions to you just picking out some of the weird comments with an air of wtf

What about a speed dating event....Its usually easier to gauge the weirdness in person.

*Become useful??
Just join in the fun??

Oh dear lord* 

My thoughts exactly!
It comes down to compatibility. There are genuine people out there, both online and in real life. There are men that want hook ups with no strings, and there are women that want the same. That's fine. There are also men who want real relationships, just like there are women who want the same. That's also fine.
It's a numbers game until you meet someone who ticks the boxes for you, and you for them.

Wishywashy

Yes, exactly. In what way are we of use to men these days?

Why would a man want a wife? Or a long term partner? What's in it for them?

Say what you like, be as dismissive as you want, but it's the reality for the majority of men.

I think we (yes, we, as in modern women) have spent so long dumping on men, blaming them, accusing them. That they have given us what we "wanted" and are having nothing to do with us anymore.

That's why dating is becoming harder for us.

I've been online dating on and off for years... I have met a couple of nice people but nothing that's lasted.

I've found most men I've chatted to or met haven't really wanted to invest any time not when they can literally message someone and have sex with minimum effort.

Great if it's what's yours after but I am looking to really invest in someone but it all feels like cheap, quick gratification now and I don't like it much.

At 41 I'm really contemplating being alone forever now and after having a shitty abusive 16 year relationship this means I'll never know proper love and frankly that's so depressing I don't know how to make peace with it...

@Whowouldathunkit
Well surely you can flip that and question why a woman would want a husband?
What use is a man in your life?

Sorry but, it's not my personal experience of dating or life in general.
I'm a mum to 2 primary school aged children in my mid thirties. While dating yes I came across all the dodgy red flag bearing muppets but once you've swept them out of the way it's not all bad.
I went into OLD with the intention of casually dating with no commitment but as it happened met someone who made me feel differently. That said, I don't need a man in my life and if for whatever reason it doesn't work out, I'm more than happy without one!

Why is a long term relationship beneficial to anyone?
Having a person. Your person. The person you call up when you've had a crappy day. Or a good day. The person you call and spend 3 hours laughing down the phone with about absolute nonsense. The person you can wine and dine and dance the night away with or sit in your pants with a Chinese and watch a box set with. The person you can lie next to and talk about things you wouldn't talk to anyone else about.
Plus the sex is so much better with someone if you have a strong mental connection.
Casual dating/ sex is great for so long, but it brings its own kind of loneliness for many people
I can't speak for everyone but for the men I know (as friends and ones I've dated) I'd say the majority want the above more than just the sex.

Removaliser I can see why you are single and I’m sure a relationship with you would be grief for the other person too.
Whowouldathunkit, why do ‘we’ (loving all the generalisations on here) want to be ‘of use’ to someone? I want to be respected and loved nothing more.
Dating is an opportunity to meet new people, I have met some lovely ones, there is often no spark but doesn’t mean they are not nice. This is a weird thread with odd views not surprised you are struggling.

@wishywashy

Despite everything I said up thread, that's exactly what I want too. Okay, the first butterflies may have faded but there is something so much richer and rewarding - for me at least - in a long-term relationship.

It's just been a bit of a shock to discover that the person I spent a decade with didn't value those things - or at least not as much as the opportunity to have something "new" again. (This is something we actually discussed btw when we split, rather than me projecting - she actually said she admired me and asked for an open relationship but it wasn't something I could comfortably agree to. She wanted butterflies again and it felt more like I was baggage she wanted to heave out of sight somewhere without feeling too guilty rather than a lifestyle she wanted to explore together.)

@ManInaFlat
I too ended a 14 year relationship with my ex husband (married for 9) but not in search of butterflies. We got together very young and I just completely felt we'd grown into different people.
We're still good friends and co parent our children well together.
He could have easily gone down the 'sex with no baggage' route but he's now engaged to be married again (to someone he met on tinder! ) as it's the deeper side of a relationship he missed more than anything and that's what he set out to find again.

Men and women just want different things I think. You can say they're all immature and need to grow up, but it's all irrelevant when they won't have kids with us

But no one has to have children if they don't want. Men OR women. That's called compatibility. Doesn't make them awful people.

That constantly seeking something new mentality isn't confined to either sex ManInaFlat, men too exhibit that behavior and we are told to suck it up because "it's what men do" que the biology speech bla bla bla.

Personally I don't think it boils down to men or women....Your ex didn't behave like that because she was a woman, she behaved like it because she was a fickle, shallow, moron.

I sympathise with the OP and I also feel a lot of what ManInaFlat is saying resonates with me too. I've had a number of long term relationships with women but I feel like many that I have encountered treat us guys like a disposable commodity. I cook, clean, tidy, attentive and work very hard. I like to spoil and treat ladies. But it doesn't seem to be enough these days.

Now obviously I am not suggesting I am perfect, for instance too sarcastic for my own good. But I think I'm an okay guy. But I no longer feel being in a relationship is right for me any more. Which is a shame.

But I am beginning to make this all about me, I can only suggest to the original poster that you broaden your horizons as much as possible. Perhaps not rely on OLD. Get involved in local groups, perhaps speak to guys you wouldn't normally. I know a girl who had such a fixed set of criteria on the man she wanted it literally became impossible to meet anyone. Indeed she has being the cliched cat lady. Bemoans how no one wants her. I imagine there aren't many very wealthy, single, attractive male doctors out there. Not that she listened to anyone.