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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner cant seem to handle that i have a past

29 replies

aven · 19/12/2018 18:15

As the title says. We met 4 years ago, i have 2 children from previous relationship. He has 1 child from his. But the issue of my past and the fact that i have children with another man seems to be driving him crazy. My childrens dad left the country many years ago, no contact and doesnt feature in our lives so i really struggle to understand why my partner feels this way. Plus i find it extremely hypocritical when he has a past and a child from a previous relationship himself, which doesnt bother me. I feel at our age everyone has a past! Ive tried to reason this with him but somehow he seems to think my situation is different from his. Its becoming a deal breaker for me. I wont apologise for having a life before we ever met. I purposely dont discuss past relationships in detail as i think it creates insecurities. Am i being unreasonable or does anyone understand why someone would have such an issue. Im at a loss to understand.

OP posts:
Elfinablender · 19/12/2018 18:20

No. I don't think you are unreasonable. It would be a deal breaker for me too. It's unhinged to play an injured party because of your life before him and I'd worry this irrational jealousy may signal trouble down the line.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 19/12/2018 18:22

I think you need to end it, it's not a good sign.

CandyCreeper · 19/12/2018 18:22

What exactly is his problem?!

TheProvincialLady · 19/12/2018 18:26

He is a misogynist and will likely increase his unreasonable jealousy and poor attitude as your relationship progresses. It’s definitely a deal breaker. You need to end it because he won’t change how he feels, even if he manages to hide it in the short term.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2018 18:32

RUN for your life. This type of misogyny and emotional abuse (that's exactly what this is) is a MASSIVE red flag. If you reflect on some of his other behaviour I bet you will realize he has many other controlling aspects to his personality. This relationship is doomed to fail. It's time to take the blinders off.

Lineofbeauty · 19/12/2018 18:45

No. A definite deal-breaker. As well as misogyny, he is showing you that he is a) not very smart in that he cannot think critically and draw parallels and b) holds others to more unreasonable standards than he holds himself to. All disastrous indicators.

WeeMadArthur · 19/12/2018 18:48

Agree with all the other posters, he is never going to accept you the way you are, it will only get worse, end it now before he makes you and your children miserable.

kidsneedfathers · 19/12/2018 18:49

Aven
This is an irreconcilable difference...don't waste your time with him...if he is from a different background and he has been "indoctrinated " since birth that a woman is not entitled to her past , and his family and friends from same culture are impotant to him then he might end up resenting you...just leave him...

Jux · 19/12/2018 19:54

This is a seriously bad sign. I would get away while I can, and before the children get hurt.

You need a partner who takes you and your childen, past and all, as a complete package.

MadeForThis · 19/12/2018 20:00

What does he expect you to do about it?

Time travel?

userxx · 19/12/2018 20:02

Nope, nope and nope. End it and move on to someone less jealous and mature.

CatnissEverdene · 19/12/2018 20:02

You can't be someone's past, you can only be their future.

I'd be pretty worried to be honest, jealousy is not an attractive quality in anyone.

mindutopia · 19/12/2018 20:24

Bin him. He sounds incredibly insecure. I had a serious long term relationship with someone before I met my now dh. We lived together for several years, talked marriage, though no dc. Not only have I remained friends with him ( and his wife!) but we have socialised together, my dh and I were guests at his wedding to his dw, etc. It’s not weird because our relationship is solid and my dh trusts me as I do him. It’s never been an issue. Unless you met when you were like 14, everyone surely has a past!

CottonTailRabbit · 19/12/2018 20:27

How does this weird behaviour even come up if your ex is long gone no contact and you don't mention him? I'm struggling to understand how you'd even know your boyfriend was fixated on him?

AuntieStella · 19/12/2018 20:32

Nothing about your past has changed, and he cannot be so stupid as to think that someone with DC has no 'past'

That it is an issue for him is fair enough - not everyone values the same things. But someone who genuinely wanted someone with no 'past' would not date someone who had one.

That he chose to date you, and continue to see you, makes him a hypocrite of the highest orde. And that he cannot come to terms with his hypocrisy after some 4 years, really does show that your instinct that this is now time to break the deal is spot on correct.

Happy New Year!!

Forgotmycoat · 19/12/2018 21:06

Think about it op. He wishes your dc didn't exist. It takes a special kind of scum of a man to wish that.

Parky04 · 19/12/2018 21:47

Agree with previous posters - bin him! How does he treat your DC?

SadVillageGirl · 19/12/2018 21:54

My partner ALWAYS brings up my ex, my children and my miscarriages and the fact I was married before. He shouts at me about it but my marriage ended 14 years ago!! And I met my current partner 2 years ago. I can't erase the past Envy

losingfaith · 19/12/2018 21:58

RED FLAG!!! Seriously this shouldn't be an issue (To anyone normal) at all. Of course you had a life before him.

userxx · 19/12/2018 21:58

@SadVillageGirl and why would you want to ease it. The only person I would be erasing is the dickhead you're with now.

CrazyOldBagLady · 19/12/2018 22:04

You don't say how this insecurity is manifesting itself, so I can't tell exactly how unreasonable he is being, but he is being unreasonable regardless.

If he wanted a pure as the driven snow, untouched virgin, he should have walked on by when he met you.

In your situation I would tell him that this is his problem, not yours, and I didn't want to hear another word about it. If he can't get over it, he just needs to stop torturing the pair of you and leave.

CupsAndPentacles · 19/12/2018 22:07

He sounds awful. It's just a stick to beat you with. Everybody has a past. If he wanted a pure as the driven snow virgin then why did he pursue you, plus, a bona fide virgin wouldn't have felt comfortable with a man with a failed relationship and a child perhaps. He's being an abusive hypocrite.

merville · 19/12/2018 22:28

I second all the replies above, only to add - I've experienced an element of this, and it takes a special kind of crazy for someone to have a problem with (and let it effect their relationship) their partner having had relationships, sex, children etc before them (having entered into a relationship either knowing it to be certain, or at the very least likely, with it being likely everywhere but religious states).

To me it seems like not only do they want to own you in the present, they want to own you in the past too. Otherwise you're it fully 'theirs', their possession I suppose. As I said, a special level of crazy on the jealous, possessive scale.

merville · 19/12/2018 22:31

Essentially they have the right to have had relationships, sex (and in this case children) but you do not have that right (because you are not equal presumably).

I'm sorry but it's s v bad sign and I doubt it's going to get much better.
Plus how does it not impact on his attitude toward your child/renbif he gets involved in their lives.

olivertwistwantsmore · 19/12/2018 22:32

Huge red flag. Double standards. Run away!