Wobbling after leaving from DV, those 4 am worries

[Elliebellybum]

Do, I left after a DV incident in front of the kids, not the first incident ever, but the worst.

Nothing. Not one thing has gone in my favour, from buying and insuring a car (had been on his insurance) to actually finding a place to live.

Christmas fucked for the kids (they are young) we can’t even get up any Decs as we need to go to my mums end of the week.

I was a SAHM and we are living on savings.

DH has become the model husband, all the things I wanted in the last three odd years, he’s now doing, texts, trying to be super dad, trying to win me back etc and I’m starting a lot to feel like I’m the one being difficult about it all.

Rents round here are @£1400 plus bills. HB is a max of £1000 what if I’m getting massively in over my head with money? I will need income support while I sort myself out (youngest is 3) but what if they start trying to force me into jobs that don’t fit round school and then start stopping the money?

I don’t know if I even want a divorce, but if I don’t I should go back home really, but I’ve so many things on my shoulders I can’t even think about that battle right now.

I’m up at 4am everyday just worrying about what to do for the best. Every option I look at just seems to be covered in shit.

We had a little break booked for a few days after Xmas. He’s pushing for us all to go “for the kids” I don’t think it’s a good idea at all, but the kids are so upset we can’t go and again, it’s only me sitting saying “no” to this.

I asked for space, but he’s chipping away and chipping away at me until I actually feel unreasonable!!

Could he go with the kids on his own? Give you some much needed time to think, get organised with things and just have some time alone? How old are your DC? Would you be happy with them being off with him alone?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. For what it's worth, 4am, when it feels like the world is all asleep but you and everything is insurmountable is the worst time of the day. You can do this. How much support do you have from your mum and other friends and family?

I’d rather he didn’t take them. At the moment he is having short bursts of contact with them because they reacted badly to what they saw.

Through the day I improve but it seems mornings are a real low point for me

Family are supportive but not local, friends are supportive, but it’s a week before Christmas.
I feel like last weeks news, everyone has moved on and I’m still stuck in this hellish limbo with a DH who is saying the right things now and making me doubt myself

Your poor DC. Definitely keep them close and sack off the break then. It's all very well him playing Disney Dad for a few days away, it's not going to help you move forward though, just muddy the water.

I can understand mornings being tough - I'm very much not a morning person anyway but a lack of sleep (and 4am catastrophising - my usual thing!) makes me very out of sorts. You've got lots more going on than that - just be gentle on yourself and cut yourself some slack. You've been through so much and have so many things to organise and decide, it's ok not to feel ok all the time.

You are giving the your children the most amazing gift in the world by leaving. Getting through this bit will be bloody hard but you can build them a long term home where they feel safe.

I grew up with my mum behaving abusively (though not violent to the levels of your partner, reading between the lines). I still add an adult suffer from mental health problems. A close friend grew up seeing DV and ended up dating someone abusive. Growing up with this has such long term consequences.

Stay strong. This Christmas will be hard, but as adults your DC will look forward to coming back to visit your home, rather than being filled with sadness, regret and mixed feelings.

But why do I feel like I’m not giving them the best thing? They miss him, they miss home, they are tired and frustrated and fed up of living out of suitcases.
I’m tired and fed up

Oh this is heartbreaking. Of course he's being Disney Dad now, he's an abuser and many abusive people are master manipulators. He's trying to reel you in then say you did go back to him the veneer will fall off and he'll go back to how he was before.

Stop having any contact with him directly, anything involving the children can be done via a third party such as your Mum. He's been violent towards you so should any contact with the children be supervised? Could you get a restraining order? I'm sure there's people here who know about this sort of thing but maybe speak to Citizen's advice?

You have done the right thing in getting yourself and your children away from him and you are stronger than you know.

Please keep reminding yourself why you left, as horrible as it is try and write down what he did do you can read this to yourself when you have a wobble. It is so easy to start to 'forget' the horrid stuff when they are being nice and you start your doubt yourself.

After I left abusive XH the DV police officer suggested I did a sort if journal (probably for legal reasons) but I found this very useful when doubts crept in. I also did lots of reading on DV and narcissism which helped me to see that the behaviour which had become 'normal'

Is there a local women's aid or something who can give some advice on practical matters such as housing and finances?

I think because the Police didn’t charge him, he kind of feels it was just a fight gone wrong (which it was in a way, I don’t think his intent was for me to get hurt but his behaviour during the row was only going to lead to me getting hurt iygwim?)

He takes all the blame, and over the years he’s EA more than violent, but there have been flashes of it, low level pushing and shoving stuff, and he says he’s seen the error of his ways, but I also feel he’s just saying that.

I semi supervise contact, my solicitor advised I didn’t give him no access as the violence wasn’t massive so take them and sort of sit further away.

I feel like I’ve got caught up in this text conversation about what went wrong with me explaining it wasn’t just that one thing, it was years of things and him trying to break me down with promises

I know it's hard as he'll be saying all the right things to try and reel you back in. I made the mistake of going back and it made everything so much worse.

Were police involved in the DV incident? I had a restraining order against my ex but I took him back during which he put pressure on me to get the restraining order lifted which I knew would be a terrible idea as was only thing protecting me. I risked losing my kids if social services had got involved.

Are you getting any support from your local women's aid? They were a god send to me and helped me escape by giving us a place in refuge which enabled me to break free and give me and my girls a fresh start. We now have a lovely home where we feel safe so please get in touch with them and see how they can support you.

Wishing you all the best moving forward you can do this

Police involved and no charges brought. Restraining order seems pointless as we have been around each other and he’s not threatening me. In fact this love and devotion is worse!!

It’s the circle of abuse, trying to reel you back in - ignore him and his pathetic please, you’ll do just fine without him

I’m also too nice.
I feel sorry for him.
It must be horrible only seeing the kids once or twice a week. I can’t imag how that is.
Somehow I feel like the bitch all ways round

I've attached the power and control wheel as ultimately this all boils down to control and he's lost control of you so will be trying his upmost to get you back but things will likely escalate if you go back. Also worth looking at The Freedom Programme and google living with the dominator and it gives you all the different ways they may try to manipulate and control you.

There are DV charities and support systems in most cities. Google them. Call the job centre and ask the question

Please please please do not go back. It's so fucking hard now but it will be easier in the long run. You are so strong for even leaving- you can do this

Stick it out. Go to the job centre and tell them you can't afford to rent a place, it may be difficult to swallow your pride now but even if it just helps you on your feet

Lots of love

Oh Elly I do feel for you. You know you are doing the right thing..but that monster in the room at 4 am is very convincing
Please do stand firm...the women here are so right

He should not push you about
He should not be emotionally abusive
He should be kind, loving and respectful

Your children will suffer more if you go back.

If he really could change, he’d let you and the kids move back home. He would put up with the hardship and do everything in his power to win you back and never ever mistreat you again

He hasn’t offered you that has he?
There’s your answer.

Get every ounce of help you can muster...do the best you can for Christmas...next year will be so much better

You're not a bitch, it's his behaviour that has caused this.

I really think you need to sort out a way of minimising the contact as he's going to keep trying to get into your head. Like I said either get a middleman or maybe get a cheap phone that only friends and family have the number for, arrange specific times to discuss the kids if really necessary and turn your old phone on only at these times and if he veers off topic hang up.

So, he only gave you a little push Elly...this time

You’ve got the hard part over Elly...actually leaving him
Stay strong lovely....you’ve done the hard work
I put up with low level EA for 30 years...nothingnasty like the c bomb, but little put downs, flashes of temper...but by did that escalate when he found someone else and wanted rid of me

Your husband being all nicey, nicey makes me think of a cat who has pood in his litter tray....then covers it over very carefully so no one can see his shit

But Elly love...the stinky smell is still there...you could spray it with your favour jo malone perfume...it’s still shit underneath.

You’ve done the hard bit...brave woman 👍

Definitely don’t go on this break...if he’s chipping away at you now, imagine how he will love bomb you...until the facade slips away...and his resentment really beaks loose..you could end up in serious danger and your little children could witness something far more terrifying

I’d go n/c and get a friend to check his emails to you first...so that you only deal with the children’s welfare

Please do not go back, your children have already been damaged, yes damaged by his abuse, even emotional abuse is bad, if not what was all you have done so far for?

Things will get better, get informed re your finances and ensure he provides maintenance for his children; in the meantime, lean on your family until you get your life back on track, any life change takes time; do not go back because you are finding it difficult and he's doing his best to manipulate you again - he's a piece of shit, just remember that; fucked in the head, nobody would want him around them never mind their kids; I'd be very careful about allowing him unsupervised access as well.

And stop being his friend, he is no friend, people who love and care for you do not abuse you or inflict such shit on their children, harden up woman and stop allowing this pathetic human control you.

I asked for space, but he’s chipping away and chipping away at me
This just goes to show you he hasn't changed at all.
Does not respect you or your wishes.
It's all about him and 'hoovering' you back in and then getting you back in line.
What has he done in the time you've been separated?
Has he attended counselling?
Looked into anger management?
Read any literature regarding abusive behaviour?

I doubt it!
Because deep down, he doesn't really think he's done anything wrong and so he doesn't need to find a resolution
He just needs you back to cook, clean, have sex with, etc.....

Could you not go on the mini break with just you and the children?
Be brave. I've been where you are. It's so hard but it does get better. Xxx

The mini break isn’t on offer just for me and the kids, he would just turn up.

I’ve been looking into things and if I get HB at the full amount (unlikely) I’m still going to be 4-500 short on rent each month. Rents round here are astronomical, anything cheaper is really, really grim.

I can’t believe he won’t move out, I can’t believe I’m living out of suitcases with three young kids while every fucking landlord in the entire known universe refuses to rent a property to me despite my bank account showing that for at least a year I can afford it!

I’ve started applying for term time jobs today.
I’m feeling seriously pissed off. Not because I have to work but because along with coping alone, without a permanent address I’m now having to factor in finding jobs on top of everything else.

You have your answer. He won’t move out. He would rather see you living out of suitcases. What a totally shit. I can not imagine what this must feel like. But as others have said, it is much better that your children do not grow up normalized to violence. Do you have to stay in the area? Could you love closer to your family?

So you go back to an utter bastard that not only abuses you but also sits back whilst you struggle out of suitcases with three kids, Jesus, he is not the one to turn to right or ever!

Look for a cheaper area, in the meantime, stay with your parents, and keep your anger, he's an utter shit to be doing this to you, keep reading this:

So, I left after a DV incident in front of the kids, not the first incident ever, but the worst.

Sure your mum and dad can put up decs for the kids fgs; this is the hardest part, climbing that hill to a better life!

He will NEVER be a model husband, don't kid yourself.