He's already losing interest?

[Loka123]

Hi all,
I'm mid-20s and recently matched with a guy on a dating app (had several before where we matched, the spark wasn't there and in the end I end up unmatching them or we stop chatting etc.) though recently, I matched with a guy and he sent me a message as a joke saying we're officially in a relationship as we matched and we started talking from there on. He wasn't being very flirty at all - quite professional and platonic almost. He asked about my hobbies, asked follow-up questions on it and then spoke about our careers. He seemed to have a techy computer based job and only had 1 pic on his profile (and even in that, serious facial expression and wearing work/office clothing).

All in all, quite different to the usual tindr stereotype of cheeky poses, topless pics and flirty/full on pervy texts from the first minute. It seemed nice that he was different (although I do like fun but can't stand guys who are creepy and full on from the start)

He suggested continuing the convo on whatsapp and asked for my number. We continued to speak about our careers etc. He wasn't at all flirty nor did he complement my appearence. He did say we should go on a date to somewhere new and different and said he'd tell me tomorrow after he's thought of ideas (this was saturday evening-we matched on the app only the day before)

Then, he texts me again next day (sunday) evening 6pm-ish saying he had just got back from work and said he's working weekends aswell for next 2 months to get all the work done - I could tell he takes his work seriously. He also said we might just have to have an ordinary drinks date because of the cold weather now. He does respond in a funny way to any jokes I have etc. so it's not like he's too serious.

.. BUT then I asked him if he'd add me on facebook before we met (I always do this just get a better idea of the person before meeting, almost a safety type thing). He said he hasn't used fb for years aside from for work. I explained the whole safety thing and why it was important for me to be fb friends before meeting. He said "ok that's cool" but didn't send me a fb friend request so I asked "cool, as in yes?" and he said he would do and that he is just working on a project with a co-worker over text - I said I'll leave him to do it, enjoy etc. and he said thanks and explained a bit more of the project. Then, he was online throughout the evening (either speaking to the co-worker if true or someone else..?)

That was sunday and today's tuesday and not heard a word from him at all. Both saturday and sunday, he initiated the convos. He has been online about 5-6 times during the day both yesterday and today but think it's odd as either:

1. He's become less interested since I insisted on fb add (maybe he's got something to hide or maybe he's just a private person) but I did find his fb profile and he only has around 100 friends on it and only the pic he's used on his app profile (at least on public view)

2. Maybe he was talking to other girls at the same time and decided to choose someone else?

3)He truly is busy with work - even then 2 days of no contact seems odd for a new "love interest" - surely doesn't take too long to send a few texts.. so even if it isn't something shady, may mean he values his work far more above anything else

4)Other problems might mean he doesn't wanna talk? I don't know him well enough to know how communicative he is etc. obviously.

Even on sunday, he didn't set up a specific date and time for this date he was suggesting which is unusual

Really can't figure out whether he's seeing others, put off by me asking to be fb friends, overly involved with his career or just a passive communicator? Not even sure if I like him (there hasn't been an amazing spark so far but it's not bad either) but this behaviour is making me confused and impatient.

He's around 10 years older than me.

I know I could initiate contact but I've always had a strong preference to not be initiating contact (I've had a year+ long relationships where the guy initiated every single daily conversation and I like it that way. It might not be "normal" but if people can have preferences on hair, eye colour etc., think it's valid to have a preference on this too. I guess I like being constantly chased etc. or the dynamic feels boring and disappointing to me if I have to initiate etc.

Sorry for such a long very detailed post - I just wanted to mention everything so I don't present a biased account of the events.

P.S I'm sure I've had this kinda thing happen in the past with others but somehow have repressed exact details lol

Jesus Christ. You're WAY over invested in someone you've had a few text chats with.

He's lost interest, who cares why? You've never even met.

Block and delete and try meeting ppl in real life, you're FAR too young to be wasting your life and energy on dating apps!

Crikey way, way too intense and high maintenance . Honestly I appreciate it’s frustrating when you’re trying to make a connection online but you haven’t even met this guy and you are analysing every conversation trying to find clues. I know it’s a cliche but if he wanted to see you he would have arranged it. Perhaps his preference is for women who do not expect him to do all the work.

To be honest you need to address getting bored if someone isn't chasing you. That's a slightly unhealthy approach to take to a relationship and not very fair on the other party!

If you don't fancy this guy and aren't willing to arrange the date yourself, Then stop responding (not suggesting ghosting, obviously explain politely you aren't interested first).

If you are happy to arrange the date then do that and then sat you'll add him before. If he doesn't accept then cancel the date and say no more of it.

I think it's 50/50 whether he's a workaholic (fine but bit dull he talks about it to much) or just a liar....

Tbh I think you've been really intense with him. No way would I add a potential date on my Facebook (not that I use it much). Just meet him in the daytime in Costa, it's perfectly safe.

Sorry but I'd back off if I met someone online who did what you have.

@Grobagsforever I knew someone would say something like you have. I totally realize I sound like a crazy teenager. I'm usually quite cool and not so intense about these things but it's been over a year since I've last even been on a first date! I think I've had convos with at least 35 men of the men who've matched with me in the last year and they've initiated contact. Every one of them has fizzled (90% of them due to lack of interest from me - either they seemed dull, had a lot of history, looked very different in other pics of them which I later saw on fb, some weren't willing to add on fb so I unmatched them, some were offering to send nudes straight away etc.)

This one at least seemed normal and reasonably platonic so even though I didn't exactly fancy him, it seemed a good friendship at least - that's why I've posted. If even the uncomplicated, dull-ish guy is being hot and cold, what hope is there with anyone? urgh..

I think I'd come across far less needy and probably be less intrigued if he had full-on persued me - past bfs have said I was the least needy girl they dated, how independant I am etc. so this over-analysis is not the norm for me. I only did this as this situation is so unexpected from a non-player kinda dull guy (at least I thought)...

This is what online dating is like. You chat to someone then arrange a date if it’s going well but a lot of people fall by the wayside for any number of reasons. It doesn’t matter because you haven’t met!

If you feel put out it might be because you invested a lot of time and energy in chatting which is pointless I have learnt.

Yep I agree with them, you're being really intense and hard work. Just message him to set up a coffee, and skip the drama.

Meeting people in real life never seems to work for me. Even the guys who seem to have a crush on me take forever to ask me out and it's always guys who I have no interest in. The only good thing with online dating is that both people know the other person is available and potentially interested in a romantic relationship so it's straight forward from the get go in that regard.

Christ you sound a bit intense! You haven’t met. He owes you nothing, as certainly not the right to FB stalking!

What do you do if you meet someone you like.... sit there and keep your fingers crossed that they’ll pursue you?

Then just go on a date!! Online dating is just an introductory service really.

I liked a man on Tinder once. We chatted a bit, I met him in a pub (I was not unsafe in any way, I was in a pub, in public, in somewhere I knew well, with my own money and a phone on me. Wouldn’t occur to me to mine him for details from Facebook to feel safe )

He’ll be my husband in April.

So if someone seems normal and nice just go on a bloody date, no one wants the third degree when it’s still in the online stage!!

BTW OP, someone having a dating profile doesn't mean they're single & interested in a romantic relationship. I naively thought as you do in the years that I wasn't dating (while raising children) - it was quite a shock to find it full of married men, shag-hunters & the like. In the words of the dating thread on here - it's all bullshit until it actually happens.

I would never add someone I'd only ever talked to from a dating app to my FB. Hang it, I've dated some guys for months and not added them. Lots of techy types won't use FB at all either.
You need to respect his views on that. Meet somewhere public and busy, there's minimal safety issue, you just want to nose at his life!

And yes, you're too intense!

As everyone else said....also....No way I would add someone on Facebook when I barely knew them. Remember you can access their information but they can see you too!!

why would anyone want a tinder date to know ALL about their life from FB, the date can go wrong and you'd feel exposed and indeed can attarct a stalker htat way. If hte date goes well - you won't have the sane exciting getting to know them as you've already formed a picture from fb which may even not be accurate.
I'd never add anyone before 1st date.

Does nobody else think this guy is married? He is working every single weekend for the next couple of months? Really? He can't even have one evening off? I don't believe that.

*the same excitement

Omg you've never even met!

Also I would never add anyone on Facebook that I've never met, and would he very put off by the suggestion. Surely meeting in a public place like a cafe or a pub is safe for a first date?

wow...just wow!
Relax OP

He's probably not who he says he is but you are way too invested in this stranger. I would stop contacting him.

Oh blimey, BACK OFF. He’s suggested a drink in a public place, not exchanging blood on a sacrificial altar in his basement. I wouldn’t add a stranger on FB. For many people it’s for close friends and relatives, not randoms from dating apps.

You sound like you aren’t really being honest with yourself about what you want. You say that you like online dating because you know that people are definitely up for romantic relationships. But then you are drawn to this guy because you don’t fancy him, he shows no sign of fancying you, he is “reasonably platonic” and you thought you could have a good friendship. Well, that doesn’t make sense, does it?

You are too vulnerable to negging if you won’t be honest with yourself about what you want.

Don’t let all this “spark” and “constantly chased” nonsense stop you meeting nice guys. Nice guys are the best. Go on some real life dates and meet a nice guy. Good luck.

I noticed you said he 'only' has 100 Facebook friends - that's loads for lots of people. I think he just has a different attitude towards social media than you do. That's all.

Stop over anyalysing, suggest a coffee. If he doesn't agree, move on.

How on earth can you assess if there is a ‘spark’ when you haven’t met any of these people