He's already losing interest?

[Loka123]

Hi all,
I'm mid-20s and recently matched with a guy on a dating app (had several before where we matched, the spark wasn't there and in the end I end up unmatching them or we stop chatting etc.) though recently, I matched with a guy and he sent me a message as a joke saying we're officially in a relationship as we matched and we started talking from there on. He wasn't being very flirty at all - quite professional and platonic almost. He asked about my hobbies, asked follow-up questions on it and then spoke about our careers. He seemed to have a techy computer based job and only had 1 pic on his profile (and even in that, serious facial expression and wearing work/office clothing).

All in all, quite different to the usual tindr stereotype of cheeky poses, topless pics and flirty/full on pervy texts from the first minute. It seemed nice that he was different (although I do like fun but can't stand guys who are creepy and full on from the start)

He suggested continuing the convo on whatsapp and asked for my number. We continued to speak about our careers etc. He wasn't at all flirty nor did he complement my appearence. He did say we should go on a date to somewhere new and different and said he'd tell me tomorrow after he's thought of ideas (this was saturday evening-we matched on the app only the day before)

Then, he texts me again next day (sunday) evening 6pm-ish saying he had just got back from work and said he's working weekends aswell for next 2 months to get all the work done - I could tell he takes his work seriously. He also said we might just have to have an ordinary drinks date because of the cold weather now. He does respond in a funny way to any jokes I have etc. so it's not like he's too serious.

.. BUT then I asked him if he'd add me on facebook before we met (I always do this just get a better idea of the person before meeting, almost a safety type thing). He said he hasn't used fb for years aside from for work. I explained the whole safety thing and why it was important for me to be fb friends before meeting. He said "ok that's cool" but didn't send me a fb friend request so I asked "cool, as in yes?" and he said he would do and that he is just working on a project with a co-worker over text - I said I'll leave him to do it, enjoy etc. and he said thanks and explained a bit more of the project. Then, he was online throughout the evening (either speaking to the co-worker if true or someone else..?)

That was sunday and today's tuesday and not heard a word from him at all. Both saturday and sunday, he initiated the convos. He has been online about 5-6 times during the day both yesterday and today but think it's odd as either:

1. He's become less interested since I insisted on fb add (maybe he's got something to hide or maybe he's just a private person) but I did find his fb profile and he only has around 100 friends on it and only the pic he's used on his app profile (at least on public view)

2. Maybe he was talking to other girls at the same time and decided to choose someone else?

3)He truly is busy with work - even then 2 days of no contact seems odd for a new "love interest" - surely doesn't take too long to send a few texts.. so even if it isn't something shady, may mean he values his work far more above anything else

4)Other problems might mean he doesn't wanna talk? I don't know him well enough to know how communicative he is etc. obviously.

Even on sunday, he didn't set up a specific date and time for this date he was suggesting which is unusual

Really can't figure out whether he's seeing others, put off by me asking to be fb friends, overly involved with his career or just a passive communicator? Not even sure if I like him (there hasn't been an amazing spark so far but it's not bad either) but this behaviour is making me confused and impatient.

He's around 10 years older than me.

I know I could initiate contact but I've always had a strong preference to not be initiating contact (I've had a year+ long relationships where the guy initiated every single daily conversation and I like it that way. It might not be "normal" but if people can have preferences on hair, eye colour etc., think it's valid to have a preference on this too. I guess I like being constantly chased etc. or the dynamic feels boring and disappointing to me if I have to initiate etc.

Sorry for such a long very detailed post - I just wanted to mention everything so I don't present a biased account of the events.

P.S I'm sure I've had this kinda thing happen in the past with others but somehow have repressed exact details lol

I would never add a potential date that I hadn't yet met on Facebook ever and would find it intrusive and unreasonable of them to ask. I wouldn't add them for a while even after meeting. I get that some people are very free/public with their profiles but I have a lot of pics and anecdotes about my life and kids on there so I'd never give strangers access to that for OUR safety. People can also have fake/duplicate accounts so it really won't do much for your own safety if it's someone duplicitous

Just move on,,,, next...

Just out curiousity , are you sure this guy is completely single to start off with 🤔..

He's lost interest, who cares why? You've never even met.

This

You haven't even met him yet? Your op is like 1000 words!

There are plenty of married men on those sites looking for shags so no, not everyone is single and available.

You can't have a spark with someone you've never met.

It really should go like this. You match with someone. Do you think they are attractive? Are they somewhat close enough to date? Do they seem interesting? You have a couple of phone chats to see if they sound normal. Then make a coffee date and meet them in person right away.

You're making it way too hard.

@HollowTalk I more saw that as a brush off

But OP that is waaaaaay too much!

Bit creepy actually

I think you might have scared him off.

I would never be FB friends with someone on this basis - you're strangers! I wouldn't want someone I hadn't even met having access to my personal life and photos and friends list.

I wouldn't add someone on social media I hadn't met either. The last guy I was seeing asked if he could add me after our fist date and lots of chatting (and an arranged second date) so I said yes to that but I was comfortable with that and although we aren't seeing each other any more we are still friends.
Also, if you add someone to social media before you've even met - what's there to talk about in terms of getting to know each other? You already know about their life (or your perception of it) from facebook!

You're talking online far too much before you actually meet people, OP. I don't use social media, so I couldn't add a potential date on FB as a prerequisite for meeting them, but even if I did, my actual friends and family would presumably be on there, so no way in hell would I be mixing that up with a person I had never even met.

2 days of no contact seems odd for a new "love interest"

OP, now this is lunatic. You are in no way a new 'love interest'. You are someone whose profile he clicked on. You haven't met. You are a name.

surely doesn't take too long to send a few texts.. so even if it isn't something shady, may mean he values his work far more above anything else

Well, he certainly values his job, which is after all feeding and clothing him and keeping a roof over his head, above someone he's never met!

I keep people I don't know out of my Facebook precisely FOR safety issues. I don't want them knowing where I go, who my friends are, what I do. If a potential date insisted on my adding them I would tell them no. If they couldn't hack that, then I'd let them crack on. I owe them nothing.

Maybe internet dating isn't for you. It's a vipers nest. The best attitude you can have is to expect nothing and if someone comes along that knocks your socks off, then great.

I was online dating a lot last year and honestly, I think you have maybe put him off. I maybe followed/ was followed by potential dates on Instagram but didn't friend any on Facebook. I met a couple of guys for one date, the dates were okay - nothing special but they were so intense afterwards it did completely put me off seeing them again. It isnt easy but you do need to relax a little bit.

Also , you have spoken to a lot of people without any first dates. Just arrange first dates quickly - in a safe public place. You're much better to find out whether there is a spark that way. People may surprise you.

I wouldn't even add someone I'm dating to FB until they actually became part of my life, so not even after a couple of dates.
As everyone has said, for safety reasons, you meet in a public place.
I think you've put him off by asking. IF you are really interested in him, why not msg him and ask HIM out, you could even add a 'sorry about the FB thing, was having a bad day, lol'.

He's a player. Move on. If you are already this stressed this early in, it will only get worse. My DH has a male work colleague who has a book called 'The Game'. It is to counteract the female book called 'The Rules' about how to date. From conversations with a friend, most people on the dating scene are not being exclusive anymore until both people agree to being in an exclusive relationship together. I think it started in America and has been adopted here.

Thanks for all your responses.

The main reason I insist on fb adds before meeting is because the first few times I instigated this "rule", every guy that refused to do this, in the end had something quite big they were hiding (either a girlfriend, a fiancee or a child) so it became a good filter almost. Most other guys were fine with adding before meeting.

I know a lot of people here have said they would not like to add people on fb before meeting but I'm assuming a lot of you are women - I think (as a generalisation), women tend to be a little more private/guarded (rightly so) which may be where your thinking is coming from. Even with me, if a guy insisted on adding me on fb, claiming it's for his safety I'd be a bit creeped out but a girl asking this from a guy is a little more acceptable I feel. Obviously, this is a massive generalization but does hold true a fair bit.

When I mean adding on fb for safety - I mean a number of things - whether he's truly employed, his real name, whether he's married, in a relationship, has a child, etc. Obviously, he could lie about these things on fb too but at least it's slightly harder to fake all this on a fb profile, where you have your whole family, friends etc. adding, compared to a random dating profile which only strangers come across.

A guy could easily create a profile with a fake name, fake job title and claim he's single - I certainly wouldn't want to go on even a "first date/meet" with such people. What if the first date ends in a kiss? What if he's married and his wife is suspicious and has followed him all the way to his date with you? This is far more common than a lot of people realize (even looking at the threads on here gives an indication). If a simple fb add has at least filtered out some of such horrid people, I'm glad.

However, I do understand that craving being chased to be the dynamic throughout the entire relationship to keep my interest is ridiculously childish and stupid but I can't seem to undo the way I think. I can try to convince myself I'd be happy being with a serious, predictable, "comfortable" guy but I have experienced this in the past and not been satisfied at all (not happy nor sad). I think it's just like an addiction to smoking or alcohol or junk food - You know it's harmful and leads to sadness in the long run, but feels amazing short term.

You sound a bit bonkers.

"I know a lot of people here have said they would not like to add people on fb before meeting but I'm assuming a lot of you are women - I think (as a generalisation), women tend to be a little more private/guarded (rightly so) which may be where your thinking is coming from."

Yeah, it works both ways, you add them, they can see you too. It's THAT we don't want.

Anyway, maybe he has lost interest, maybe it's for the best.

It's a ridiculous strategy to just sit back passively and wait for men to chase you. It's 2018 ffs, you're carrying on like it's the dark ages.

Shy bairns get nowt!

To me, adding on fb is like introducing to friends and family, i only do that once things are getting serious. I think you've been too intense.

Oh my word. I met my husband online back in the day but we didn’t exchange more than a couple of messages before me met in person. You sound so over-invested. He’s a perfect stranger to you still! Meet up for dinner already!

I don’t use Facebook. If I were a bloke what would hPpen then?

Wow
Do you have any interests outside of having a boyfriend. Your life can't be all about that surely?

Wow, how old are you? Being added to fab is a false sense of security. In the nicest possible way, you seem way to intense. If being chased is what you’re after then this guy obviously isn’t it but needing to be chased is an unhealthy dynamic to crave .

I online date and I've found a few things to be necessary.
Don't chat for ages, find out the basics then arrange a meet. A quick drink or coffee.
You're right to be guarded, people can pretend to be anything online.
Always meet somewhere local where you feel comfortable and can get home easily.
Don't get too invested and take everything with a pinch of salt until you see it for yourself., don't over analyse things.
Try meeting people you wouldn't necessarily normally go for. Otherwise what's the point. I've been pleasantly suprised at who I've had some really fun dates with even though if I met them in RL I may not have gone for them.
Why would you want to do everything on a man's terms. Why wait for them to initiate everything/arrange all dates. I'm v independent and strong willed and I prefer to enter into a relationship as an equal partner. Waiting around, wondering if they are going to text/arrange something would drive me insane. Take the bull by the horns and get yourself out there. You have a say in how the communication goes etc so use it.
If a bloke asked me to add him on fb before date 1, well before we had an established thing going I would run a mile. That's my life snapshot why would I want to do that? I only accept fb requests from people who actually have an input in my life.
I think you're taking all this a bit seriously. If you keep a clear level head while dating and let things play out organically it's pretty easy to spot a fake with time. Stay sensible and if something doesn't feel right cutting contact is pretty easy. Obsessing over fb profiles won't help you do that.

Your need to be chased - you've even likened it to an addiction - is tied up with a) your getting screwed over by liars and b) your insistence that you have access to your prospects' fb profiles.

Your intuitive sense of discernment is totally off; you look for outward sources of validation.

Once you're able to connect all three experiences, it's a first step to working them through with someone who can help you break some rather self sabotaging patterns of behaviour.

Are you sure he's who he says he is with just using that one pic? Also sounds like he could be already in a relationship/ married. But it doesn't really matter what the reason is. He's lost interest, you havent met yet, so count yourself lucky and move on.