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Original poster

What would you do

30 replies

Sadbuttrue9 · 18/12/2018 22:07

Hi,

Open to all views.

Brother visiting from overseas,( oz to uk), haven't seen him.in 7 years. He arranged months ago to meet near other family, as did'nt want to travel any more than necessary. Ok, fine.

Other family been difficult about us staying at theirs, days they have off etc

Brother isn't single, but girlfriend getting on plane back to family for Xmas.(uk to Ireland) Brother won't visit me, a 45 plane journey.*Scotland. I have 2 kids and 2 dogs.

He expects me to drive down...7 hours...kids and dogs.( pups).
It would be a 45 min plane journey to see us.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2018 22:08

If you don’t want to go you don’t have to.

Original poster
Sadbuttrue9 · 18/12/2018 22:08

Should I just stay at home, and say he's welcome at here

OP posts:
Musti · 18/12/2018 22:10

I'd drive down and book a hotel. He's come from far away and staying with family. It's not unreasonable that you and other siblings do a bit if travelling.

Weareworthy · 19/12/2018 02:41

I guess it depends if you want to see him.

Personally, I would make the drive. Oz is a long way away to get the chance to see him again.

Cherries101 · 19/12/2018 03:22

Why can’t you fly down and book a hotel?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 19/12/2018 03:28

He's already spent a fortune on tickets from OZ to UK, its a LONG flight, and you begrudge him not wanting to spend even more money and time on flights to visit you, when it would be so much easier for you to go there? Why would he cut his visit to the majority of the family shorter, to visit just one?
You should go to him, it's not his fault none of your family are willing to put you up.

pissedonatrain · 19/12/2018 05:34

@AlmostAJillSandwich Agree with you

OP Find someone to watch the kids and dogs and fly down to see him for a couple of days.

I had this situation the first time I went home (12 hour flight)
Everybody was like oh can't wait to see you!
So here I spent more than 24 hours traveling and thousands to get there and these lazy fuckers wanted me to drive another couple of hours to see them. No thanks. I said this is where I'll be for x time. Ring up when you want to come. Guess what. Crickets...

So you've known about this for months and made zero plans...

category12 · 19/12/2018 06:46

I can see it from both points of view.

But you knew from the off that he didn't want to do more travelling once he got here. The girlfriend might be travelling again, but presumably she wasn't home yet if her family are in Ireland.

So it's on you really. Seven years since you've seen him.

bigchris · 19/12/2018 06:48

. I said this is where I'll be for x time

You're the one who emigrated! Then you come back and sxpectevrryinr to fall over themselves !

bigchris · 19/12/2018 06:48

expect everyone

erykahb · 19/12/2018 07:29

I'd say yabu
He's travelling from Australia, the least you can do is meet him half way so to speak

Stop being selfish

Or just don't go if you aren't that bothered

Sadbuttrue0 · 19/12/2018 08:27

Thanks for your replies. If not a bit off, ( my family won't put up with me ???)

Yes that's true though I was planning to stay st family, but they said they didn't want my dogs at their house. In a text ..a week before we go. They're puppies, totally understand their concerns. But a phone call would have been nice. Any how can stay with in laws. So because of fall out of original plans .
Brother is travelling to see other family members... all except me.
Also since being in Oz, he's not made any contact. Not asked how I am, or the kids etc etc

LemonTT · 19/12/2018 08:44

IMO you should put the puppies in kennels as it not really practical to take them on a 7 hour journey. It is unreasonable to ask people to put you and your family up and then throw puppies into the mix. Even suggesting it is an imposition, never mind turning up with them. You shouldn’t be annoyed or upset by the refusal. That issue is entirely on you and you can’t moan or blame your family.

If your relationship with your brother is not good, it seems to be non existent, why see him at all. I can’t answer that for you. But if you don’t get on or have any contact there must be a reason.

bjrce · 19/12/2018 08:49

Why can't you put your dogs into kennels for a few nights, its absurd to expect anyone to put your dogs up also. Just travel down with your kids.
I expect if you inform your family dogs are being looked after, they would be much more open to you staying with them.
Who on earth would want a guest coming to their house at Christmas with 2 dogs in tow!

blibblibs · 19/12/2018 08:55

It really boils down to if you want to see him or not.
We travelled in the other direction from you to see friends that had travelled back from Australia. They were in Scotland for a month but we travelled stupid early on the sat morning spent the weekend with them and came home late Sunday night.
It was lots of travelling but we wanted to see them. They've been gone six years and we love them and miss them so we made the effort.
But it's OK for you to not want to do that but having lived abroad myself it's really hard to get around everyone and to travel the length of the country while your here so I do think the resident family need to put themselves out a bit, but only if they want to.

Olikingcharles · 19/12/2018 09:18

The flight from Australia is a very long one. I know as i'm in Australia with a UK born partner have made the trip mant times. Last time we did the trip we did all the travelling to see people who apparently were desperate to see us. To be honest we were completely shattered when we returned to Australia after the last trip so much so we felt we needed a holiday to recover from what was supposed to be a holiday. Used all our leave and then some unpaid as well to do the trip. Never again if they want to see us so bad they can come to the areawe are staying. In the 30 plus yearsmy partner has lived in Australia only one person has bothered to make the trip see us. It's all oh it's so far etc. Do they not realise it's just as far for us to come over. I'd say if you want see him do the travel if not given it seems he hasn't bothered much with contact then don't. Be a shame though given the distance he has come.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2018 11:36

Could you drive half way and find somewhere to stay and then finish the journey the next day?
Could you put dogs in kennels and get a plane yourself?
He will have travelled a long way.
I'd expect my family to make a bit more effort for me.

category12 · 19/12/2018 14:38

Only you know how reasonable it is or not that he's prepared to go to other family members but not you.

I mean, if the other people he's visiting are an hour's drive away or they're mum and dad, or ill/elderly, that's a very different picture to say, 2nd cousin Nellie who lives four hours away.

And tbh in presumably a short space of time that he's here, he'll have to draw the line somewhere at travelling to see people. Otherwise that's all he'll be doing.

But I can't really tell what's reasonable from what you've said.

Needsomebottle · 19/12/2018 21:33

Could you offer to pay his flight? That way he gets to see all of you, in the comfort of your own space and he doesn't have to pay out any additional fees?

Though I have a lot of family and friends abroad and do tend to travel to wherever they are when they visit - that logic mentioned above that they have come so far so I'll do a bit of distance. He perhaps doesn't want to spend the holiday going from place to place, packing smaller bags etc and just wants to relax. I've done holidays myself with lots of visiting and it's tiring which kind of goes against the aim of a holiday.

But if it's really impractical and he might understand I'd offer to pay the flight. Then make a fuss of him and let him relax if he visits.

ohwellinthatcasetryprunes · 19/12/2018 21:46

My view?

You have a family like my DH's. They are pretty much the same, they fly half way around the world, stay for weeks with another relative a 5 hour drive away, and then expect us to drop everything and go and visit them. On days and times that suit them. Never mind that we actually have jobs and everything. They never talk to us to find out when we are available.

We then say we can't do those dates because we are busy, but they then inform us that they are busy doing other things and can't see us at any other time. And then of course we get told we are the unreasonable ones, for not bending over backwards to accommodate them and fit in with their plans.

No advice really, just wanted to join in with the rant!

TooOldForThis67 · 20/12/2018 03:31

It doesn't sound like you are close to your brother if he hasn't bothered to enquire about you over the years and I presume you haven't contacted him either. I'd just tell him that you're sorry you'll miss his visit but with kids and puppies it's impossible to get away.

Musti · 20/12/2018 10:56

@ohwellinthatcasetryprunes you're being ridiculous. Do you know how hard it is to coordinate when everyone's available? As someone who's lived in different countries and who's organised lots of reunions and visits, having a base and have people come to you is what makes more sense.

RivanQueen · 20/12/2018 11:16

Brother is travelling to see other family members... all except me.
Also since being in Oz, he's not made any contact. Not asked how I am, or the kids etc etc

Based on this I would say don't bother spending your time or money going to see him. I'd be asking myself if spending a considerable amount of £££ on kennels, flights or fuel, (potentially) accommodation etc at this time of year to see someone who is making no effort with me was worth it I'd be giving that a firm no. I know it might feel a bit shit that he's making the effort to see other members of the family but it does show you where you sit in his priority list.

klixie · 20/12/2018 11:41

What do you want to do and what does your family want you to do? Are they pressuring you to come? And have you actually spoken with your brother to see what he says?

We live in the eu and travel to Oz every few years. We don't have a lot of contact with our family in-between and when we go to oz, we don't expect to see them unless they have expressly said they do. In one case, some family members with three young children, who lived a 3 hour plane trip away/24 hours in the car, invited us and we flew to see them.

We also had family members who were pressured by my parents to come extreme distances, sometimes with children, to see us (10 hour car trip with two little kids and a baby). These family members had had very little contact with us in years and we felt extremely awkward them coming to see us. We would have rather that they stayed where they are.

It is difficult to tell you whether you are being unreasonable because of family dynamics. Hope you can get it figured out ok.

Best of luck.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 20/12/2018 11:54

He’s already come all the way from Oz.

Go and see him if you want, don’t if you don’t.

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