What are your dealbreakers?

[SadVillageGirl]

I always seem to set my bar really low and every time one of my dealbreakers are broken, I stick with the relationship regardless. I always seem to minimise the harm or the effect and then find it hard to end the relationship. What are your minimum standards as I think I need to reset mine!!

inanimate can mean all sorts but as an example a child that a man denies having ie. states he has no children while knowing full well that he has a child (having had a dna),has no contact with&doesnt pay for

cocklodging
miserable blame everyone else types

Any sort of drugs
Excessive drinking
Smoking
History of cheating
Bad temper/argumentative
Controlling/insecure/excessively jealous
Lack of ambition

No kids. No dogs. No weird Ex's. No violence.

Wow thank you all. Basically my dealbreakers are very similar/the same (especially not liking cats ) but I find myself "ignoring" the fundamental basics of values that I hold myself but my partner lacks. As each day goes on I feel more and more down about it all, yet I know I'm the only one that can do anything about the situation - ie end it.

I’ve got loads:
Bad hygiene
Rude to people I care about
Lazy
Going to strip clubs
Cheating
Chauvinism
Lack of intelligence
Drinks too much

Lots of others but too many to list

Bad table manners (scraping of cutlery against teeth, chewing with an open mouth, eating noises like trainers in a washing machine)

Poor hygiene - yes I expect you to wash your dick at least daily

Nail biting/nose picking

Cheap suits - they feel awful. My ex had one and my sensory issues had issues. It kept ripping in the crotch because it was cheap and too small

Poor communication.

No passion for life aka boring old farts

TV addicts

Any addiction inc gaming/sports

Anyone who says they "need" a drink every night/most nights in order to cope with life. No thanks, my dad was an alcoholic

Anyone with either a too involved family or parents they don't have time for without good reason

Anyone overly involved with their ex

Manchildism

Those not involved in their children's lives

Dads with poorly behaved children that are crying out for attention

Dads who palm their children off onto grandparents at every opportunity so they don't miss out on the single life it value work over everything ie don't prioritise their children

Racism, misogyny, sexism, ignorance, criminals, Tory voters, vapers, TRAs, MRAs, anti-vaxxers, science deniers, overly religious, Scrooges, selfish in bed, poor spelling and grammar and not dyslexic, those with no imagination, university of life types that look down on higher education, tight arses. I could go on!

I'm on the spectrum. I'm not keen on people in general and get irritated and freaked out by far too many things. I've chosen to stay single for the foreseeable future as I gravitate towards abusive men and don't trust myself to make good judgements. I like being single so it's ok

Victim mentality types, cheats, double standards. Beards. The Twits left an indelible stain. Brown shoes. Tattoos. Piercings. Visible ear wax

Reading most of these I guess I'm destined to remain single for rest of my life. Most are very subjective too. Personally my only 2 dealbreakers would be smoking and cheating.

I think there are objectively agreed dealbreakers - abuse etc - and subjective ones that relate to your lifestyle choices.

The difficulty is that it doesn’t matter if you know what the dealbreakers are if you don’t break the deal because you don’t enforce your own boundaries.

Setting and enforcing boundaries when it doesn’t come naturally to you is hard and I think requires a lot of “work”. Start reading books on it if therapy isn’t an option. Date men and practice your boundaries. Tell your friends what they are and hope they will hold you accountable to them.

If you keep practising this and committing to it you will probably screw it up a bit along the way, but you will get through the wrong ones quicker and hopefully meet the right one who respects your boundaries and won’t have any of the objective dealbreakers and you can think properly about your subjective ones.

I am going through this process. It’s hard. I haven’t enjoyed it. I rejected men who I felt an overwhelming pull towards even though they treated me badly. I am scared I will be alone forever. But I no longer feel powerless and out of control so that’s something 😬

@Koko12 you know there's no such thing as an illegitimate child don't you?

bobby in what way?i only meant in the way I have outlined above - I realise that legally any child is entitled to a share biological parent’s estate

Snobbish behaviour and attitudes
Sulking, refusing to talk
Entitlement
Lack of humility
Most days being bad tempered, in a mood or grumpy [as manipulative behaviours, not MH problems]
Controlling
Arrogance/appearing superior
Laziness
Changing the goalposts to suit
Taking the other persons side when someone has deeply hurt me
Twisting my words/context/meaning...to discredit me
Making me feel like worst than second best

Yes I knew someone like this. All the above escalated as time went by. I went. I deserved better.

@perverseConverse i hear you on the twit style unruly beards.... pieces of fusty food, and all manor of things living in there....shudders

Also I nearly spat my tea out at the busted crotch polyester....

@SadVillageGirl it appears you have a clear set of boundaries in your mind why are you procrastinating, and not asserting yourself by enforcing them.

Don't be trapped in a prison of your own making ....Life is way to short for that!!!

Thank you closetbean and others. I don't know why I can't enforce my own boundaries I'm in a situation where he is getting paralytic pretty much every night and saying horrible things to me. He knows my previous marriage ended due to alcohol and abuse. I feel like he's testing my boundaries maybe? He's also someone who never takes responsibility for his own mistakes and blames me for everything.

sadvillage get out before it escalates x

@SadVillageGirl he's gone way past testing your boundaries. You need to leave him. Regardless of history I'd advise this but WITH your history, get out NOW. This will never get better. Instead it will only become worse and it is already too bad for you to stay. Please love yourself and remind yourself that you deserve so much more.

Men who are selfish/bad in bed.
Men who are mean with money.
Bigotry
Tories
Men who are uptight and humourless, and who care too much about what others think of them.

Racism
Homophobia
Are dealbreakers for me

The clincher was finally finding someone for whom I always want to be the best version of me. That’s how I knew it was the real deal.

Tomorrow as soon as he starts drinkng, pack his bag and show him the door - tell him this is not acceptable behaviour every night. He must sort himself out before ypu will even think of him coming back.

Only you can change what is happening.

Incompatible values

Financial irresponsibility

Any form of addiction

Negative / victim types

Any form of mental health issues (I know many will disagree, but this is a consequence of past experience. Never again)

Someone on here gave me some great advice “learn to dump someone and it gets easier every time”.

You know your boundaries, I let my ex get away with financial destruction, got into a new relationship and he asked me to borrow money and I wavered like hell before I just did it as the advice was given. Hardest thing I’ve ever done but SUCH a relief. Now the poster was right, I won’t go out with someone who hits those boundaries.

I learnt to dump

Slightly I’ll support you in that one, not a nice view but serious or undealt with MH issues and I’m out too. Never again.

Things I've been lumbered with in the past that I don't want to revisit:

Controlling and jealous
Cocklodging
Friends taking priority
Fastidious, a bit disgusted by sex

Four different men I hasten to add. All had some excellent qualities too, but they were overridden by the bad thing. One of them is a very good friend of mine now.

I'm fine with sport, tattoos (one or two), beards, nail biting, Comservative voting, cheap suits, dogs, cats, non-readers. Social smoking ok too I think, although I've never dated a smoker so i don't know.

Get out now. Op. It won't get better. You sound very perceptive - you know he is testing your boundaries. Don't get any more involved.

I have 2 sets of dealbreakers. one set I think everyone should have :) and the other is my personal preference which are also really important.

So I would never go on another date with someone who showed himself to be mean, jealous, unkind, racist, homophobic, dishonest, irresponsible. Dating is a chance to figure that stuff out and if it showed up, I would just say goodbye and move on.

Then for personal preference I could never marry someone who didn't have a good sense of humour and who didn't read. But that mightn't matter much to anyone else. Also I can't stand unnecessary drama - but others thrive on it. I also value kindness VERY highly indeed - not everyone might give it the same high value I do. I think it is probably the most underrated virtue and the most essential in a marriage.