Why isn't it OK to want to be single?

[LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset]

I've emerged from a very long toxic marriage then another 2 year relationship that wasn't right and I've had enough.

Family and friends don't like the fact I have no interest in meeting someone else; patronisingly saying, oh you'll meet someone/you'll change your mind, then attempt to set me up.

I don't want to!

I've become friendly with a newish group through an activity recently (all different ages) and again they want to get me out to meet men.

People won't accept how I feel it and it's baffling. Why?

Projection.

I am in a (happy) relationship but I can totally see why someone wouldn't want to bother. Being single is great, something has to be amazing to be better...surely?
But I don't think all people experience people single in that way. Some people I guess just have different personalities and can't imagine being happy single for long periods.

It is annoying though. Keep reminding them you don't need or want a relationship. If they're in relationships themselves then it's quite hard to have to make the effort to think about it and realise maybe the "other way" could be just as good or better.

Who cares what they think? Live your life as you choose and ignore them. Tell them your private life is completely off limits as a focus of conversation.

They get the idea eventually but in my experience it takes several years.

Yes to projection. Either they are happy in a couple and can’t imagine anything else being OK; or they aren’t that happy but think they are doing what everyone is meant to be doing and you are an implicit challenge to that.

Also, if I’m completely honest with myself, for a long time part of me thought there was something defective about wanting to be single. Once i got over that then other people’s comments hit less of a nerve, I suppose.

I am very happily single (vociferously so if pushed!) I think the main thing is that my friends worry that I am alone. They are wonderful, its not a case of needing someone to 'look after' me, but more that they worry that it's me on my own with no-one to support me through the day to day shit.
What they don't get, is that I'm ok doing that alone. Sure, there are days it is all a bit wank, but that's normal. They have never been alone at my age- all married by 30 etc - so they just haven't walked my path. I think people just care and assume the whole 'You will meet someone ' is comforting. I just nod and smile!

I think you're perfectly entitled to tell them to sod off out of your private life! Projection is definitely key here, but also the world likes to tell us we'll always be unhappy without being paired up, even if being single is amazing.

I too am in a happy, good relationship, however I spent time being single beforehand and loved it! Never having to adjust to anyone else's routine was wonderful. Even in this relationship, I insisted on having a good length of time before living together as I didn't want to give up the happiness and chill of living alone as I really did enjoy it. I don't feel like I have to not be myself or anything, I just miss the space and time, and hate sharing a bed. So get these people to stop, tell them that no, you really are happy and want it left alone. If you want someone, you'll find someone but that's nothing to do with them. I had to be very strict with people trying to set me up too, but got there by repeating that it was my choice if and how I found a partner.

Good luck getting them to back off, and enjoy not sharing your bed! (Seriously, I miss it so much)

Being single has many advantages. It has downs, too, but the downs are better than being in a bad relationship. Take your time, and if you don't get into another , or another " shared house" relationship, then your friends will have to lump it. When they are at their wits end with their own relationship problems, they will be soon be round for a drink and a good moan!

It's absolutely ok to want to be single. That kind of outlook should prevent you getting into bad relationships (which so many people stick with out of fear of being alone).

It's a shame so many people still think there's something wrong with being single, but thankfully attitudes are changing. The only person you can truly rely on in this life is yourself, and it sounds like that's the relationship you should focus on.

That's true, they do care. But they're still not listening to me when I say how I feel.

I think it does come from a good place, with a good dose of societal pressure.

People forget so many relationships are the opposite of supportive.

I'm going to practise my nodding and smiling.

Appreciating all the replies, thank you.

I hear you OP. It's taken one of my friends about six years to knock it off:
No Denise, I am not scared of OLD and I don't want your help to set up a profile, no, I don't want to join a salsa class, no, I'm not being 'terribly brave' because I'm heartbroken, yes, I feel quite 'safe' living on my own...

One of them will still check in that I'm not feeling lonely very occasionally - which is thoughtful and I appeciate it.

Interestingly, it's only been my female friends who were keen to get me coupled up again. The men have never mentioned it to me.

It's perfectly OK to want to be single. Plenty of people do and are happy that way, plenty who are not single wish they were!

"They get the idea eventually but in my experience it takes several years." Same. My mum was one of the worst and she's spent nearly 50 years in an abusive marriage!

I think sometimes it's jealousy/envy (see above). Sometimes it's a narrow world view, sometimes it's ridiculous fear that you'll go after THEIR dh/dp!

Single 15 years here, have casually dated on occasion, had fwb arrangements when they suited, but no interest in a full on relationship.

I like doing what I like, when I like, having nobody to answer to, and the bed to myself at night!

There's pros and cons to both singledom & being in a relationship but also people have different priorities.

I've always been an independent type, something every man I've been in a relationship with has had issue with. Women less so but depends on the woman. Some are independent types like me, a few were on clingy side. Just different people.

If I could find someone who was happy to occasionally do something like go for dinner, or to a show, have sex sometimes but not want to "progress" the relationship to moving in etc that might suit me, but generally I'm happy staying single.

It's very tempting to turn round to the ones that are vocal but in shit relationships themselves and say "why the hell would I want to be in a relationship like yours?! And be abused/ignored/cheated on/taken for granted/whatever?"

graphista I agree totally that few people are comfortable with a very independent person. Even FWBs end up becoming needy. Single is so good in so many ways- we are like the nth gender of which we cannot speak- I love single, my independence, my life!

I'm with you Op. I don't want another relationship, I enjoy being single. I also have had people not quite believe that I truly, genuinely enjoy being single and have no interest in finding someone. I've even come across this belief that everyone has a soul mate. That it's sad that I'm not putting myself out there to find this mystery soul mate. Some people seem to have strong beliefs and are unwilling to accept that their beliefs are not applicable to everyone else. I too have learnt to smile and nod but draw a line at direct interference. I haven't seen many movies with happily single women. Single women in movies seem to get rescued by some man who breaks through her defenses and heals her broken heart. Or she's depicted as old and bitter. I wonder how much this influences society. I think it's gradually shifting though.

I'm life-time single and celibate - I don't get this from everyone, but the ones who do say something are ones who would rather be dead than single. They don't care who the partner is - good, bad, decent, abusive - they think they are losers if they are single, so they remain coupled at any cost. These people are projecting their own fear and insecurity on me because they are afraid of being that loser single person they've smugly judged all along. They are afraid karma is going to get them.

OP i know
I never wanted to get married and people were such a pain about it when I was in my 30s

Now in my 40s and still very happy with the choice to be single, people have shut up

Interestingly another single friend told me his dad said to him "if you got married and divorced, that would be better". So you might want to gird yourself for that comment as well.

People are cray cray.

Social conditioning and societal expectations.

After 2 marriages with grown kids, I have zero desire or need to be coupled up. If I fancy a shag, I can easily find one and not have to deal with his bad habits or clean up after him; just send him on his way. Works for me.

It's a challenge to the established status quo. Women are supposed to know their place and be supported and protected by their menfolk. Women who don't want that protection (or, even worse, don't need that protection) present too much of a challenge to those who conform to society's expectations of men and women and it upsets them. Not necessarily keep them awake at night, consciously worrying about their single friend who manages perfectly well upsets them,..but more of a subtle undercurrent that says 'wrong, wrong, wrong!' And besides, when was the last time Hollywood had a single woman walk happily off into the sunset?

I like to think that in a past life, I'd have been burned at the stake for my non-conformity and that I'd have laughed my head off at 'em whilst they burnt the witch!

I think it’s due to you not conforming. I’ve noticed that somehow disturbs people and then challenges their deep beliefs in life. Probably jealous!

I loved being single and would happily take it over a bad relationship anyday. I'd never marry again , despite other married people pressuring me over that choice. My personal belief is that misery loves company, so they just want you to be as unhappy as they are. Let's face it, the majority of marriages are not what you'd call genuinely happy, one party is always dissatisfied in some way. We see it so often here that everything appears ok on the surface but underneath it's not. Don't be in a rush to partner up, enjoy your freedom, peace and quiet, financial independence and your ability to do the things you normally can't when you have to fit in around a partner.

Oh I’d forgotten about the offers to write me an OLD profile. One was a joke but the other person was serious. Incredibly arrogant really to firstly assume that you want a relationship and then to think they could describe what someone wants on their behalf.

I wouldn’t go down the route of saying that it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship because that just suggests you’d really like to be in a good relationship.

As someone else has said it’s not just that are pros and cons to be being single, there are also pros and cons to be being in a good realtionship too. For me the cons of being single barely even register because they aren’t things I mind about, whereas the cons of a good relationship make me want to run for the hills!

witchmountain

yes, exactly

being single is better for me than a good relationship.

All of this resonates so much. It's comforting to read when every other bastarding well-meaning person is encouraging you to get coupled up with or consider getting coupled up with the next breathing single warm-bodied person that walks past you.

.

I've been divorced four years now & I couldn't bear to get into another relationship. I love time with friends & family but I know I'm healthiest & happiest single. So I'm staying that way.

I like your name Empress 👌🏻

I think its quite complicated. I'm 53, have been single since my late 30s, apart from a couple of brief flings.
They worry that you will be lonely. They think you are missing out.
There is still something threatening to some people that a single woman can have the capacity - education, career/job, home - not to 'need' a man.
And some just thing you must be desparate and will leap on their husband/partner at the first opportunity