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Original poster

Telling child about affair baby

29 replies

Dlan1 · 17/12/2018 21:25

Hello my child is 9. Almost 2 years ago his father left me for a woman he had known for three days. The details are sordid and brutal. Anyway - this woman is now pregnant but they are no longer in a relationship. She lives in another country. My ex wants to tell our child about the baby. He may or may not have a relationship with this child but he wants to - it will be up to the other woman but she's a bit of a nutcase (what a surprise) and he doesn't know what she will allow. I think we do need to tell our child but I want to be there - I think its something we should do together so that our child knows that no matter what he has two parents by his side. My ex disagrees and wants to tell our child alone. I would like to hear opinions please. Thank you

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 17/12/2018 21:28

You need to be there to hear what waffle your dh uses to explain away his dc. And I would say at 9 - unless she is familiar with the facts of life - maybe too young to understand the dynamics.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/12/2018 21:29

What a horrendous situation. I think it is your ex’s mess and he is entitled to try to make it right on his own.

I would ask him if he could do it when you are nearby though.

FannytheW0nderDog · 17/12/2018 21:33

Good grief what a hideous situation you've been through! I thought that my two ex husbands were bad but this is worse. You should be allowed to be there when he tells your son but this is unenforceable. What a pathetic excuse for a man.

SilverDoe · 17/12/2018 21:33

Errmm to be honest, do you need to tell him right now?

Can’t you tell him when things are a bit more stable? It’s a lot to take in for a 9 year old and can cause a lot of emotional falllout.

I understand him needing to know but there are too many unknown variables right now surely.

Sorry all this has happened to you, it sounds devastating Flowers

KataraJean · 17/12/2018 22:02

did your 9 year old ever meet the girlfriend? It makes it easier for explaining [name] is having a baby and ex will be the daddy. You don’t need lots of explanation, just the facts at that simple level, and nobody really knows yet how it will work out. Mainly your DS needs to know that it will not effect his day to day life. I think it is best to be as open as possible as secrets will come out at some point.

I would be wary of bandying ‘she is a nutcase’ though, in whose opinion? It was your ex who left his marriage for someone he had known three days, that is not a high bar for acting sensibly.

SpiritedLondon · 17/12/2018 22:34

Why do you have to tell him now? Why can’t it wait until the baby is actually here and your ex knows the nature of the relationship he’s going to have.

RivanQueen · 17/12/2018 22:35

Does your 9yr old DC really need to be told about a baby that your ex might have nothing to do with and that your DC may never meet? Sounds like an emotional bomb that doesn't need to be dropped on the DC to me & it sounds to me like your ex is the nutcase in all this both from pissing off with a woman he had only known for 3 days and from wanting to tell your DC about this baby before he knows if he's actually going to be in their life.

Tam19 · 17/12/2018 22:55

Hello. Its the original poster. I unwittingly deleted the account. Actually I kind of freak out that I was on here asking advice. I’ve never been on anything like this before. I’m very confused about everything.

Thank you for your replies. My son has never met this woman. I know that the relationship was very volatile. apparently at the moment they are on good speaking terms. I have considerd not “letting” ex tell our son but I think it would be strange to tell after the baby is born. Ex is hoping to go over there to meet the baby and to introduce our son to the baby fairly early on. But the details are still unknown. And the nature of ex’s relationship with the child is unknown but he has stated he wants to and will try to have a relationship with the child however that might look. Which is why I think we need to tell our 9 year old. He has a 9 year olds idea of relationships and where babies come from. He’s very stable chilled kid and I have worked very hard to create a super supportive home life. I know he will be ok. But when I think of the future when he pieces it all together I want his memory of this moment to be of both his parents by his side. I think my ex wants to do it alone because he doesnt want a witness to his shame. But I think it’s best for our child to know we are both there for him no matter what is going on. I guess I just need reassurance that it’s reasonable for me to insist that I am there.

deepwatersolo · 17/12/2018 23:13

It is reasonable to insist you are there. Who knows how clear DH communicates, how much DS can take in... It is absurd if DS then has follow up questions hours or days later, and you don‘t know how to answer, because you don‘t know what transpired. DS might even hesitate to ask you, trying to be protective. Just no. Ex can do the talking but you need to be present.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2018 00:47

I wouldnt tell him. It is a baby brother or sister he may never see and could cause him a lot of worry.

Your ex needs to stop being so fucking selfish for a change and think about the son he does have contact with and not a baby he may or not see (and lets face it, may or may not even be his is she is as bad as you say).

I would refuse lto allow it until you have been to see a counsellor about this that will help you through the process (if they indeed agree it is a good idea, which I doubt).

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/12/2018 00:49

Oh and it sounds to me like he is planning on using your son as blackmail to see the new baby "But my son knows about it and really wants to be a big brother....." which is fucking disgusting.

jessstan2 · 18/12/2018 02:50

Your son does need to know about the baby but not yet, he's only nine. The baby isn't even born, anything can happen.

Yes, you do need to be there when he is told.

deepwatersolo · 18/12/2018 06:27

I actually think it is important for your son from the beginning. Even if there may never be contact. Everything else will feel like betrayal to him. So, in light of the shit decisions your ex seems to make in general, telling your son about this baby now is a positive exception imo.

KataraJean · 18/12/2018 07:31

The point is that you are separated and you do not really have a right to insist that you are there. I am confused why you think it is important your son has two parents by his side when he finds out. Honestly, I think the less fuss you make about this the better as your son will be reassured if you are matter of fact.

All you need to say afterwards is affirm the facts as you know them (yes, the woman daddy was with is having a baby, at the moment she is in x country and so it will take time to see how it works out).

Maybe I am being too matter of fact about it, but my children have grown up with a complex family situation and the presence of half-siblings has been the least of it. You sound like you have created a stable and secure home for your DS and continuing to do that is the main thing. Make sure he knows who he can confide in if he has any worries and try to keep a sense of perspective.

deepwatersolo · 18/12/2018 07:46

Hm, I think this whole thing can create loyalty conflicts in a child. So if mum is present and keeps her cool, smiling at the kid reassuringly, it will be way more pleasant for the kid than getting it told by Dad, and possibly thrown into turmoil by ‚how does mum see it? Is she hurt? Furious? Does she want me to hate/ignore this half sibling...‘. Even if Mum can sort it out afterwards, why even go there and create this avoidable temporary confusion in the kid?
Assuming OP will act in a calm, reassuring way, as I assume she does.

Tam19 · 18/12/2018 07:50

I can’t thank you all enough for taking some time to talk me through this.

Jesstan the baby is due in two weeks. Ex says he will go for the birth or just afterward. I guess I feel that when he goes away my son should know why? And the fact that ex has said he will want to take our son to meet the baby at some point soon.

Deepewatersolo that’s exactly right. I’m not thinking of his reaction now. I think now it will be abstract for him. I’m thinking of how he will see this in the near and far future. I want to avoid feelings of betrayal and that something was hidden from him. Also despite all of the shitstorm ex has created if my son wants to persue a relationship with this child when he’s older I want/need to be able to suppprt that which means starting now with truth. I think.

Katarajean I think much of my confusion comes from my own childhood experience where important things were told to me in hurtful or unsupportive ways. I guess when the penny drops when my son is older I want him to know that despite everything I was there every step of the way. That I never shied away from my role as his parent. So much of what has happened over the last 18 months has triggered childhood memories. So I know the wrong way to do things but I’m not sure of the right way. Which is why I find myself here.

DaffydownClock · 18/12/2018 07:54

He's your ex, she's living abroad so realistically just how likely is it that your ex will take your son to meet the baby?
I'd mention it in passing but not make a big deal of it, and I get it won't be the only half sibling in the future.

Racmactac · 18/12/2018 07:58

My family kept the existence of my
Half siblings from me until my father died when I was 18.

They decided I didn't need to know because I wasn't going to meet them.

Well I did meet them and I'm pretty cross at not being told the truth as I grew up so to all those saying just don't tell him I think you are wrong.

We should all know the basic facts.

ittooshallpass · 18/12/2018 08:44

Just tell your son yourself in a calm and matter of fact way. You don't need to be with ex when you tell him.

In the nicest possible way, I think your hurt about what has happened is clouding your judgement.

You talk about both parents being with your son every step of the way. You can only ever guarantee that you can keep your side of this. What your ex does will always be out of your control.

Your son will learn this in his own time.

You don't need a big drama; just say you have just discovered ex is going to be a dad again. Baby will be born in another country. Ask DS if he wants to meet him. Answer any questions. Move on with your day.

My DD has a half sister she has met. Half sister was pushed into relationship by ex. Half sister wants nothing to do with DD. My DD is hurt by this but has taken it in her stride as I have been matter of fact about it.

Just state the facts. What Ex tells him is up to him. Just be there for your son and his questions (which will probably really very few!)

Racecardriver · 18/12/2018 08:48

You ex clearly doesn’t love your child very much. The last thing you want is for him to cause your child further damage. I think you are completely reasonable in wanting to be there.

user14869556378 · 18/12/2018 08:51

If you are closer to your son then your partner I do think you should be there - even if just pottering around in the back ground. It's your child, you know him better than all of us. Trust your parenting. I think it's important for him to see you are happy and calm with it as really your son is only going to feel whatever you are giving off. If he can see mum says it's not stressful then it's likely he'll feel the sam

deepwatersolo · 18/12/2018 08:53

ittoo I actually do not think it is fair to the father not to let him tell his kid. That he wants to break the news himself should be respected, and it will be important for the kid‘s future relation to dad. It is good dad wants to do it and doesn’t hide behind ‚mum’/ex for it. (But mum should be present imo).

hellsbellsmelons · 18/12/2018 08:57

He may or may not have a relationship with this child but he wants to - it will be up to the other woman
Well until you know then I don't think you should tell him.
How unfair.
My DD has a half sister she would love to get to know. But it's exactly the same situation as yours. Another country. The OW has a lot of MH problems. She blows hot and cold.
It tears my DD up.
Don't tell him until you know if he can have a relationship with his sibling.

paap1975 · 18/12/2018 09:01

I think you need to keep the message very simple. You know how Daddy and Mummy aren't together now? Well Daddy has met another lady and they're going to have a baby. He'll always be your Daddy though... Then let your son lead the conversation. If he wants to stop the conversation there, let him. If he has other questions, answer them

dangerrabbit · 18/12/2018 09:13

I think your son needs to know the basic details ASAP so you’re not keeping it a secret from him and he knows he can trust you. Your ex can then choose to deliver the news in his own drama queen fashion at the time of his choosing, no need for you to be there.