Telling child about affair baby

[Dlan1]

Hello my child is 9. Almost 2 years ago his father left me for a woman he had known for three days. The details are sordid and brutal. Anyway - this woman is now pregnant but they are no longer in a relationship. She lives in another country. My ex wants to tell our child about the baby. He may or may not have a relationship with this child but he wants to - it will be up to the other woman but she's a bit of a nutcase (what a surprise) and he doesn't know what she will allow. I think we do need to tell our child but I want to be there - I think its something we should do together so that our child knows that no matter what he has two parents by his side. My ex disagrees and wants to tell our child alone. I would like to hear opinions please. Thank you

I think his dad has the right and responsibility to be the one to tell him zip. And before baby is born. Even if he doesn’t see the baby, his dad will more than likely have photos of his new child and I don’t think keeping it from his existing child is fair.

As a separated parent I get why you want to be there, I do.
But look at it this way, his dad could sprout a load of nonsense that may never happen, make promises he doesn’t keep. If you sit there alongside him it’s like you’ve made those promises too.
Ask you ex to let you know when he’s told him and when he comes home, tell him you know. That his dad wanted to be the one to tell him, but that he can talk to you about anything, if he’s concerned, excited, anything good or bad. If he asks about seeing the baby etc, I’d make it clear that his dad will need to arrange that.

I can see how you feel triggered and upset by this - all of it is very raw and brings back a lot of emotion. But it is not your responsibility to manage how your ex (because he is your ex) tells his son about the baby. It is really not. I understand you are coming at this with good intentions, but you are making something your issue when it is not.

Your responsibility is to be stable and secure for your son, to say yes, his dad has told you too, and carry on as normal, talk if your son wants to talk etc.

If it helps, when my DD found out about her half-sibling, her sibling was already two. I suggested to her dad (once I got over my annoyance that DD (and I) had not been told) that he start by showing DD a photo when it was their time together and explaining her name and that it was her sister by her dad. That is what he did. We had been separated a year at this point. I did not see it as my role to be there too.

I would be worried both parents sharing news might create the impression of togetherness and confuse your DS who has got used to you apart?

Anyway, these are just my views. I just explain my experience so you can see where I am coming from, not because I think you should follow my advice. You know your son best. If you provide a stable, loving and secure environment, which it sounds like you do, your son will be just fine.

Hello everyone I thought I would update you all. My ex and I came to a compromise after a day of wrought negotiation. He told my son last night and then I was there right afterwards. As suspected my son took it all in his stride and has not asked any questions although he mysteriously told me he was too sick to go to school today. I think he subconsciously just wanted to be close to me. I am lucky that I can occasionally work from home. He has not asked any questions at all - it is still an abstract thing. I think questions will come when his dad goes abroad to meet the baby. Naturally, I am a complete mess but holding it together more or less. Still in shock over what has become of my life and looking forward to the time when I am not so raw from it all. Thank you all for your wise words and support. It is and was much appreciated.

That sounds like a good resolution, OP. Well done. Take care. You are a great Mum!