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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh and his daughter

51 replies

Knitwit101 · 17/12/2018 21:08

DH has a 24 yr old son and a 20yr old dd. We have 3 younger kids together. He hasn't spoken to his dd now since October. He has sent texts, whatsapps, left voicemails, she is just ignoring him. She has gone through spells of ignoring him like this for years. She was 3 when her parents split up.
I have never really had any direct contact with her, even though we have been together 15 years. She will chat quite happily to me when we are together, we've had a coffee together when we've bumped into each other in town, but I have never contacted her when she is not with us. She has never given me her mobile number even though she has mine.
It's now a week till christmas and he has no idea if he will see her. Her brother is in Australia with his fiance this christmas.

I keep thinking that if that was my child I would not let this happen. But dh feels he has tried and tried and tried. We've just had another -heated- discussion about it tonight.

Since he saw her mid-October he has sent her 37 texts and she hasn't answered a singe one. They are a mix of 'Hi how are you' sort of messages, things about his day, invites to come round for tea, have coffee, go for a walk. He whatsapps her pictures of things he sees out and about. He leaves her a voicemail twice a week, Wednesday and Sunday. She has not answered a single thing.

When this has happened before he has gone to her house, he has stood on the doorstep and she has not let him in. So dh doesn't really want to do that again, he worries that it upsets her, embarrasses her to have her dad banging on the door.

I feel like he has really let her down. I don't think someone who is happy would behave like that to her dad. I have this feeling that he should be doing more but he feels there is nothing more he can do. He feels that he has tried everything to keep communication channels open and she is refusing to engage so he will just have to keep on texting her and waiting for her to reply.

I don't know what he should be doing, when he says 'so what do you want me to do?' i don't have an answer. But I just feel there should be something. I can't remember the last time she came to our house. Her dad's house. Dh has invited her but she hasn't replied.

I actually think he should have tried so much harder when she was younger. But things were really rocky with her mum for a while and dh backed down every single time there was an issue because he wanted minimum disruption for the kids. I now think he was scared of their mum and should have stuck up for his relationship with them a whole lot more, but it's too late for that now. There is nothing to be gained from me saying that now really.

I think he should speak to her mum, but they don't have the greatest of relationships. Her mum has always said that it's the kids' choice if they want to see him or not so I can't see her doing much to help him.

DD sort of keeps up a chat with our oldest through social media but he's only 12 so couldn't ask him to be a go-between. Similarly she keeps up with her cousins so possibly dh's sister could be a link, but he won't ask her. He doesn't want anyone to know how bad things are. Dh's parents are elderly and he has never told them either how things are. They are under the illusion that all is great and we see her regularly.

I'm 95% certain she will turn up during the holidays and nothing will be said, she will keep in touch for a few weeks or months then this whole thing will start all over again. But this is the longest time he has not spoken to her (or she has not spoken to him).

I just can't shake this feeling of anger with dh that he has let this happen. It is getting between us, on Sunday he was talking about doing something 'as a family' and I just thought that a big part of his family is not here and he is not doing anything about it.

But he feels there is nothing else he can do about it, short of break into her house and force her to talk to him, or turn up at her work or somewhere else she can't avoid him.

I feel sometimes like he is over-compensating with our kids to make him feel better about the disaster of his relationship with his dd. That's half understandable but half makes me feel like our family is a bit of a lie really. He plays happy families with our kids but hasn't seen his dd since October.

It's such a mess. My post is a bit of a rambling mess. If anyone has any ideas or can help me get my thoughts together I would appreciate it.

OP posts:

Musti · 17/12/2018 21:14

What else can he do?? Poor man. I can't believe you're being so hard on him when you don't even have a solution.

category12 · 17/12/2018 21:20

It sounds like he is trying, and you should back off, to me.

She's 20, she's living her life and she can't be arsed with her dad.

You can't make this better and I think you should be supporting him rather than judging him so harshly - you're supposed to be his partner. Your family life isn't a lie - surely it's that he's learnt from his mistakes?

I don't know what you want from him, given he's keeping on pursuing contact.

Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 21:21

He "plays" happy families with your kids? That's a bit harsh is he supposed to ignore them until his adult daughter speaks to him?

Mum4Fergus · 17/12/2018 21:22

I think your DH has made more than enough of an effort. She's an adult, and people grow apart and get on with their own lives. I'd leave her to hers.

Changedname3456 · 17/12/2018 21:23

Bloody hell, what else is he supposed to do? Like the PP I find it hard to believe you’re being so hard on him. Poor bloody bloke - he deserves your support, not this kind of criticism.

bumbother · 17/12/2018 21:26

I feel sorry for your husband. Give him a break. What else can he do? You don't even know yourself. She's 20 and acting badly. He should leave her be for now and hope she grows up a bit and decides to have a proper conversation with him, for his own sake.

bumbother · 17/12/2018 21:28

I find that really sad. I don't know how he can take that kind of rejection every day, and yet you're pushing him to go for more?

Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 21:29

Wow just wow.

She is an adult. She makes her own decisions. If she ignores him she ignores him. It sounds like he is doing everything right.

If you were so disgusted with his behaviour as a parent when she was younger, why would you have 3 kids with him or be with him at all.

Your post is so horrible I suspect you aren't the wife. Are you the daughter and think your dad should have and should be doing more?

Iloveacurry · 17/12/2018 21:35

I think your DH has made quite a effort with his DD. He’s obviously tried to make it up to her. Unfortunately she can’t be bothered, not sure what else he can do. Unfair of you to feel angry with him. She’ll probably turn up over Christmas expecting a present!

ChilliMum · 17/12/2018 21:36

I have a family member who is on the other side of this. Only you know op if your dh really has done enough.

For my family member, they have been a second class member of the family for too long. Expected to come around a visit, make time etc.. when the father doesn't do the same in reverse and step up when needed (Although has plenty of time to 'over compensate' when it comes to the children of the second marraige).

Spending 5 minutes every few days to text or leave a message does not make a good father doing everything he can to repair a fractured relationship.

I am inclined to agree with you op. If that was my daughter I wouldn't rest until I had sorted it out.

Dirtybadger · 17/12/2018 21:36

37 texts since mid October is a lot. That's several times a week. He needs to cool it. If she isn't responding she is sending her message loud and clear.

I would feel quite suffocated if my dad was messaging me that much in the same situation. He risks driving her away more.

madmum5811 · 17/12/2018 21:43

He should stop chasing after her. She may be an awkward so and so, or she may be feeling smothered. He has done more than enough.

Dirtybadger · 17/12/2018 21:43

I sort of agree with you OP, although evidently not everyone does. If she has been ignoring him for 10 odd weeks, there's something wrong.

She is an adult and She isn't being petulant (IMO). The damage has already been done I imagine and this is a symptom of someone who has presumably not had much to do with their dad for 17 years? Or, given that she has 3 half siblings and yet isn't close to you (over 15 years), hasn't really been much of a part of "his" family....

I don't feel sorry for him, unfortunately. Maybe because I have too many friends (with otherwise happy lives) whose dad's have been mostly absent throughout their lives and now play the victim at not having much contact....

Tough one

category12 · 17/12/2018 21:44

If that was my daughter I wouldn't rest until I had sorted it out.

But going round her house and standing on the doorstep or bothering her at work start to go into harassment territory.

The dd has a choice and if she chooses to go low-contact or no-contact with her dad, she has every right to do so.

Drum2018 · 17/12/2018 21:44

There is no more he can do short of being accused of harassment! Do you want him to camp out on her doorstep? Seriously, she hasn't responded to texts, doesn't answer her phone to him and ignores his voicemails - I think that sends a clear message that she does not want contact. Stop annoying him about it. Im sure it hurts him enough without you bringing it up and telling him he's not doing enough.

AutumnCrow · 17/12/2018 21:46

Are you absolutely sure she hasn't blocked him / changed her phone number?

I've got experience of this, btw, in my own wider family. My advice would be to tell him to keep the door open, but to back off, and wait.

Kismetjayn · 17/12/2018 21:46

You don't know what's gone on from her perspective, or her reasons for not having contact, especially at Christmas.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2018 21:50

I personally think that this is none of your business, OP. You're not a part of your husband's daughter's life in any way and she is estranging herself from him. It sounds as if he's trying very hard and getting nowhere. If I were him I'd back off from trying because it must be completely soul-destroying and he has no way of knowing if he's even getting through to his daughter at all.

I don't understand why you are so unsupportive. It really is none of your business but it is your business to support your husband. It must be really tough having to face his daughter's rejection and put up with your judgement of him. Stop it before you cause damage.

Chamomileteaplease · 17/12/2018 21:51

How can you be so cross with him when you have no answer as to what else he can do?? Talk about unfair!!

I agree that 37 texts since mid October verges on harrassment and he should stop.

She's 20 years old, maybe she is happy to see her dad once every few months. What's wrong with that?

So long as she knows she is loved and is always welcome. Which presumably she does.

But for god's sake be kind to your dh and let him leave the girl alone.

Giraffey1 · 17/12/2018 21:58

I struggle to see what else your DH can do. She is an adult, she can choose not to see him, to ignore texts and calls. She knows he is there for her if she needs him. You’ve seen yourself over the last 15 years that they are not close, and not close to you either. Of course, there may be things we don’t know, but I find it sad that you cannot support your partner in this - I imagine he finds it difficult and upsetting and yet you just seem so angry with him.

bluebell34567 · 17/12/2018 22:06

-either she wants to live her life-you cant do anything about that.
-or there are reasons why doesnt want contact-the reasons if she wants to tell
-or maybe she changed her phone number-you can find out this.
can there be other reasons?
its nice of you to be concerned about her.

deadliftgirl · 17/12/2018 22:23

Hi OP,

I am a newly married women, only 10 or so years older than your step daughter so I find it hard to put myself into this situation and understand what has caused all of this mess.

What I can say is that when I was a child my parents separated for 2 years. During that time I became very worried and upset about either of my parents finding someone else and starting a new family. It could be that as your step daughter has grown up she has felt like second best to you and your children. Its may be difficult for her to come and see your dad around you and her half siblings. She may think why couldn't you stay with my mum, why did me and my brother not get a full-time dad but three other children do?

The thing is (what I can comment on for sure) is that people perceive things differently. Your husband probably perceived the past 20 years from his perspective where as his daughter saw the same circumstances through a completely different point of view. When she was growing up, did she have a room at your house, was she part of the family? From what you have said you have not have much contact with her yourself so how can she be part of your family and feel involved when you and her do not have a relationship?

I think the best thing to do for the moment is to leave your husband alone, drop the subject. I would encourage him to mail her Christmas presents with a card saying that she is welcome around anytime but other than that, just leave it and let her come to him. There is obviously allot of reasons that has caused your step daughter to act in the way she is doing but pushing it will not solve anything.

Frankswife87 · 17/12/2018 22:26

Wow your poor DH. What more can he do? His DD obviously isn't interested, do you expect him to crawl on his hands and knees and beg for his dd's forgiveness for the next 10 years? Sorry if I sound harsh but you don't sound very empathetic towards your DH , it's sounds like it really hurting him.

anonymousss · 17/12/2018 22:28

Do you not think this is quite outing? Maybe she has her reasons that you know nothing about

subspace · 17/12/2018 22:30

I think it's pretty out of order to be saying he's not doing enough when you can't come up with any suggestions as to what extra he could do. You're his wife, something's gone tits up for him, I question why you're not doing everything you can to support, not criticise, the man.

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