Dh and his daughter

[Knitwit101]

DH has a 24 yr old son and a 20yr old dd. We have 3 younger kids together. He hasn't spoken to his dd now since October. He has sent texts, whatsapps, left voicemails, she is just ignoring him. She has gone through spells of ignoring him like this for years. She was 3 when her parents split up.
I have never really had any direct contact with her, even though we have been together 15 years. She will chat quite happily to me when we are together, we've had a coffee together when we've bumped into each other in town, but I have never contacted her when she is not with us. She has never given me her mobile number even though she has mine.
It's now a week till christmas and he has no idea if he will see her. Her brother is in Australia with his fiance this christmas.

I keep thinking that if that was my child I would not let this happen. But dh feels he has tried and tried and tried. We've just had another -heated- discussion about it tonight.

Since he saw her mid-October he has sent her 37 texts and she hasn't answered a singe one. They are a mix of 'Hi how are you' sort of messages, things about his day, invites to come round for tea, have coffee, go for a walk. He whatsapps her pictures of things he sees out and about. He leaves her a voicemail twice a week, Wednesday and Sunday. She has not answered a single thing.

When this has happened before he has gone to her house, he has stood on the doorstep and she has not let him in. So dh doesn't really want to do that again, he worries that it upsets her, embarrasses her to have her dad banging on the door.

I feel like he has really let her down. I don't think someone who is happy would behave like that to her dad. I have this feeling that he should be doing more but he feels there is nothing more he can do. He feels that he has tried everything to keep communication channels open and she is refusing to engage so he will just have to keep on texting her and waiting for her to reply.

I don't know what he should be doing, when he says 'so what do you want me to do?' i don't have an answer. But I just feel there should be something. I can't remember the last time she came to our house. Her dad's house. Dh has invited her but she hasn't replied.

I actually think he should have tried so much harder when she was younger. But things were really rocky with her mum for a while and dh backed down every single time there was an issue because he wanted minimum disruption for the kids. I now think he was scared of their mum and should have stuck up for his relationship with them a whole lot more, but it's too late for that now. There is nothing to be gained from me saying that now really.

I think he should speak to her mum, but they don't have the greatest of relationships. Her mum has always said that it's the kids' choice if they want to see him or not so I can't see her doing much to help him.

DD sort of keeps up a chat with our oldest through social media but he's only 12 so couldn't ask him to be a go-between. Similarly she keeps up with her cousins so possibly dh's sister could be a link, but he won't ask her. He doesn't want anyone to know how bad things are. Dh's parents are elderly and he has never told them either how things are. They are under the illusion that all is great and we see her regularly.

I'm 95% certain she will turn up during the holidays and nothing will be said, she will keep in touch for a few weeks or months then this whole thing will start all over again. But this is the longest time he has not spoken to her (or she has not spoken to him).

I just can't shake this feeling of anger with dh that he has let this happen. It is getting between us, on Sunday he was talking about doing something 'as a family' and I just thought that a big part of his family is not here and he is not doing anything about it.

But he feels there is nothing else he can do about it, short of break into her house and force her to talk to him, or turn up at her work or somewhere else she can't avoid him.

I feel sometimes like he is over-compensating with our kids to make him feel better about the disaster of his relationship with his dd. That's half understandable but half makes me feel like our family is a bit of a lie really. He plays happy families with our kids but hasn't seen his dd since October.

It's such a mess. My post is a bit of a rambling mess. If anyone has any ideas or can help me get my thoughts together I would appreciate it.

Unless there is a justifiable reason why she is ignoring him, I think you are being just as unkind.

A friend accidentally blocked their dad on the phone. I suggest a card through the letterbox just calmly explaining he’s tried to call and would just like to check she’s okay, please just text and if there’s anything she needs etc

At 20 she is a grown adult. He needs to back off and quit bothering her. He's done more than enough.

I think, op, that while possibly the ship has sailed, you are potentially correct that he should have done more before. My xh has treated my dd like shit and now is aghast at the fact she won't contact him, but he did so from her being v young and she is now a teenager. The worst thing is, she desperately wants her daddy to love her, but cannot face being repeatedly let down again. I would suggest that maybe he backs off a bit, sends birthday and Christmas cards, the odd text. If she is ready, she may come round. But at least she can never say he didn't try.

ExH barely had anything to do with our DCs when they were growing up.

They're in their 20s now, and he does this same thing - numerous texts. They don't reply, nor do they answer his calls. They're adults - it's up to them. They don't feel they want or need him in their life now. I don't get involved.

All these "awww, poor man" style comments 🙄. There's a reason this man's daughter is ignoring him, and it's very likely due to him not being around during the younger and middle years. Who knows what else.

He doesn't get a cookie just because he decides to be super dad now. It's too late.

She's sending him a clear message by ignoring him.

Lol all the people on this thread won over by a man abandoning his children for years then playing the victim as an adult. Now we who is having children with these deadbeats!

OP I think there is an underlying unease about the way you observed him parent this daughter growing up. His behavior seems insincere to you because you KNOW that despite all this contact, he basically made little effort when she was younger.

I think a part of you is afraid that he might abandon your own children in the same way. He's gushy and OTT with them like he texts his daughter 37 times but wouldn't fight to see her if any obstacle actually arose. I actually think it's the elephant in the room. He moans and shrugs and you secretly seethe.

What more could he possibly do? Break into her home? She is an adult and her father has no control over her actions. You are being grossly unfair to your husband.

She is an adult and has decided against contacting him. If this were an ex boyfriend of hers what would you think about a man who texted, called and even turned up on her doorstep? He is making things worse.

Yes, he messed up. Something in the past has upset her and it's going to be hard for him to put it right. He needs to stop pretending that everything is ok.

Unless you have ever felt rejected by your own dc do not claim to have any idea op.
Keep out of it is my advice.

Not so, vuripadexo, my view would be the same if it had been the daughter's mum. When it gets to the stage that there's no contact from one side then the only thing to do is back off but leave a door open in case they feel differently at some point.

Have you seen how many 'go no contact' threads and posts there are on Mumsnet?

I've been estranged from my dad for about 20 years - his choice. Am I supposed to keep trying too? I won't.

Why can't you invite her for a coffee/meal, via your son. Say you are looking forward to meeting up over Christmas.

He may have fucked the relationship up by being chronically absent / spineless (by acquiescing to his ex at the expense of the children).

Or she may just not be that interested right now - she is young and still working things out.

And / or you may be over-identifying with this young woman. Did someone abandon you or not try hard enough with you when you were younger? How is you relationship with your parents? I am asking because I sense there's a fair amount of projection happening here... you admit you don't really know this girl, and yet you have extremely strong feelings about how her father should be acting / how she could or should be feeling.

I advise some caution and perhaps some counselling is in order to ensure you are being fair to your DH and your own DC's family life.

I’m sure my fathers wife would write a post like this about me.

If you have been in her life for 15 years then you should have been building the family and foundations then. She was only 5. If she wasn’t made to feel part of the family then no wonder she isn’t interested as she has grown up to learn not to need her dad.

All he can do is keep trying and honestly apologise for letting her down.

But it baffles me how parents can be absent or not include a child in their family and then once that child becomes an adult they are shocked the child isn’t interested in them

I don't know why you are so bothered, op. You've told us your husband has tried, his daughter is independent and shows it. It doesn't mean she does not care at all about her father but he is on the periphery of her life.

That's how it is sometimes.

Not your problem. Be glad that he has a good relationship with your children.

That's too many contacts. She must feel hounded. Give her space. You also need to stop going on at your H.

She doesn't want to be in contact with him. He needs to accept this and back off - he risks loosing her for good if he keeps on.

Please don't, as PP suggested, use your son as a go between. It's unfair on him and if she suspects you of using him this way, she might also stop contact with him.

Finally, stop thinking he should be doing more - that ship has sailed and you and DH don't need to be falling out over it.

Send her one last text saying as you have not replied back to any message, you are concerned for her welfare so will be reporting her as missing to the Police.

Why would you report a person missing when you never see them anyway??

You’re being incredibly unfair to him. He’s done plenty. And saying he overcompensates with your shared children and that your family is “a lie” is bizarre and cruel. You’re expending a lot of energy on berating and judging your husband which could be going into your own children and supporting your husband who must feel like shit about how things are.

What else do you want him to do hire a sky writer? Or a plane to drag a sign behind? This is between him and his daughter.

She has chosen low contact. Your husband’s excessive texting and showing up at her home/work is verging on harassment and I imagine will be impacting on dd’s mental health.

He needs to back off. Send her a text every few months “I love you and miss you”
Let her come back when SHE is ready.

Stop pushing your own agenda, give your hubby a break

Yeah maybe he is hassling her too much. I think he doesn't want her to ever say he didn't try, so he is going too far the other way.

I'm just cross with him that it has got to this stage. I think surely he could have seen this coming and acted differently sooner.

But maybe it's not anything he has done and just the way she wants things to be. She has lived away from home for a number of years so maybe she just doesn't want much contact with her family right now and that's ok.

Maybe I am projecting my thoughts about how sad I would be if this happened with my dd in the future. I can't imagine a situation where I didn't speak to her for weeks.

But what do I know? I have no idea what is round the corner for me and my kids as they grow and become adults.

And it is his relationship to deal with as he sees fit, you're right. I need to leave it to him, and her.

How often does she ignore him? Is this quite common? And what does she say when she gets in back in contact with him? What is their relationship like when he is in contact?

We don’t know the full back story here. But she may be ignoring him because of the relationship they had when she was younger, now DD is old enough to make her own mind up. Or she is just busy with life, and replying to her dad is not on her priority.

I would send a text, just saying something along the lines of, would be lovely to see you over Christmas. Let her know the door is open, have her presents waiting etc, just Incase.

The problem with messaging loads, is that it’s creating a bigger problem to address. Which may put DD off visiting, as she will just think she will have to explain, talk, and it won’t be open arms (more daggers). Obviously the issue needs addressing, but in her own time. the first steps have to be made again and by the sounds of it these have to be made by DD.