Remembering the past brings up feelings of intense rage. Can this relationship ever be salvaged?

[SleeplessInShanklin]

And do I even want it to be?

I know this has been said a million times before, but I really do still love DH. I really want to adore him as much as I did before dc.

He is gorgeous, he used to be a really good friend, and he loves the dc.

But everytime I have any cause to remember the last few years I feel an intense rage and loathing for him, quickly followed by guilt for not doing as I said I would and moving on.

Without too many details (because I know he looks through here sometimes to see if I ever post as he knows I use mumsnet) he ruined my first pregnancy and the first years of dd's life. He was an angry, verbally horrible drunk who would scream in my face that he thought I was a slag and was cheating (I wasn't)

That stopped when I threatened to leave. Now he just makes passive aggressive digs about me being lazy when he's had a few. I have a disability and he is my carer, he puts a few loads of laundry in, cooks twice and helps load the dishwasher. He tells his family that he does EVERYTHING and seems to not notice or ignores what I do.

He's hurt me deeply by having online sex chats with young girls/women he used to know.

Tonight I've just exploded seemingly out of nowhere. The dc have been very difficult to deal with during the night, dd has autism and ds has been very unwell.

I came down slightly wound up (never to the dc but felt i needed to vent a little downstairs) at how it felt like I've never had a night off in years, as even when things are going well I'm up and down like a yo yo.

He started lecturing me about how I should be dealing with them/bedroom arrangements...and I snapped. Over a silly thing like that.

Shouted at him that if he was actually going to do any of the night time parenting instead of sitting on videogames then he would be welcome to do it how he wanted to.

He said 'Fuck off'.

Now I feel guilty. I jist cant seem to let go of all this bile and resentment thats built up over the years. I feel like I'm being selfish for just wanting to give up.

Counselling cant help this can it? [Sad]

Erm..that should have been a sad face, not a star.

Why do you feel the need the need to let go of the anger and resentment?

Its healthy - its there for a reason- use it to propel yourself out of this relationship.

I'm not sure, it just feels like it's making me a bitter person that I don't want to be. I used to be very laid back and happy I hardly recognise myself anymore.

No counselling can't help in an abusive relationship. It will make it worse and prolong it.

It's not easy to extract yourself though when you love someone despite knowing that they are abusive and I won't lie and tell you it's roses once you leave, but staying won't improve things

Maybe try the freedom programme- it helped me get angry enough and recognise what was happening to my child which was motivating enough to leave even if it wasn't rosy and bloody hard work anyway once I left

I'm going to redo it soon as I miss my absolute wanker of an ex husband sometimes and occasionally get daft thoughts that I should have taken him back. They're completely unhealthy irrational thoughts though and need help to stop them

how can you let go of anger when your husband is reinforcing angry feelings on an hourly basis? He sounds really horrible and would make anyone angry.

He's never hit me or anything like that.

He actually says I am the abusive one, financially. I might be, I have a second account that I move the bill/food money in to each month. He says that is hiding the money from him.

Ive left before, I instantly morphed into the old happy/relaxed me. But then dd cried about missing her Dad and I felt awful, that I'd split the family up. So I took him back.

I don't know anymore whether he is the reason I'm unhappy or whether its actually all on me.

Your last message screams that the freedom programme would be great for you.

You can't see what is abusive. It's leaping out of your posts at me. 💐

A past therapist of mine mentioned that a few years ago (I saw someone after getting pretty bad PND with DD)

I thought it was for women who had experienced violence though, which isn't me.

I will give it another look though, thank you.

He didn't stop treating you badly you when you threatened to end things, he just dialled it down a notch.

To quote from "right listen up everybody": Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none. Just cos he's calmed it down a bit doesn't mean you should accept being denigrated on a daily basis.

How can you get over the resentment when the bad behaviour is ongoing? That's crazy thinking.

Your DD is a child. She doesn't get to choose a life of misery for you.

When she's old enough to understand how vile her father is to you, can you imagine how utterly awful she will feel if she believes you decided to trap yourself in a horrible life because of her tears as life changed?

Your children need a happy stable mother. Kick him out again. This time stand by your decision. And if you choose to go back, don't blame it on your DD, own it yourself. You are the adult. You decide what it best.

As for splitting up the family, well shit families need splitting up so everyone can be happier in the end. Children will find the transition difficult. Be the parent and help them adjust. They will adjust you know, children are like that.

I still get pretty angry when I remember the crap my ex pulled. I try and stay civil for dd's sake but I will never ever forget what an arsehole he was.
Your dd will get used to not seeing her dad every waking second, I assume he will still come and pick her up.
Oh the point of my post is im a lot happier now, its not always easy but there isn't this burning resentment eating me up all the time (only when I see ex). I would go for it.

Wow! That quote sounds veey much like my situation.

Dh was my knight in shining armor, he was a colleague who became my best friend after helping me escape from a physically abusive ex boyfriend.

I've had such a hard time trying to figure out how I managed to change that wonderful kind man who listened and genuinely cared to someone who seems to hold me in complete contempt most of the time.

Fuck.

You didn't change him from a nice man into a dickhead. He was always a dickhead.

You just missed all the red flags because your boundaries were fucked by an even more abusive boyfriend.

Thank you, thats what I needed to hear I think.

I do feel that 'burning resentment' eating away at me. Ive tried everytging to make it go away over the years, therapy, anti-depressants, even mediattion!

And I do feel horrified now, God no, I never want dd to think that. I know I should have been stronger now, I just felt such guilt and chose the 'easy' way out of it.

I feel very stupid now.

The thing that would make it go away would be making him go away.

That burning resentment isn't a wrong feeling that needs curing - it's the correct emotion to have, based on the reality that you have been, and are being, treated poorly.

Your anger sounds completely justified. Your DH is a bastard.

I experienced what I thought was very low level physical abuse and a shitload of emotional abuse and didn't believe it would be for me

I got given a support worker who when I actually went through with her some things that had happened told me it was up there with some of the most disturbing things she'd heard. She was fantastic at pointing out my minimising and excuses for things.

Some people on the programme had the things I could recognise immediately as abuse... others including myself I found it harder to acknowledge but nobody said anyone wasn't deserving to be in the room and some of the ones who I thought were clearer examples- were women who helped me see it for what it was

The support of other women has been key to me figuring out that it wasn't in fact normal or acceptable

You won't be told you aren't deserving of being in the room. Apparently there's usually women on it for a second or third time- certainly was what I found. I had a lady so supportive she would pick me up and drop me off trying to keep me sticking with it- because she got it, she knew what it felt like to think well so and so had all their bones broken and mine wasn't that bad so I shouldn't be here. It's still abuse - nobody will make you feel stupid for being there

Thank you, I will definitely look in to it then.

Actually sitting here, trying to actually think about it all instead of pushing it down, I am downplaying some things if I'm completely honest.

I won't overshare but after reading through some pages I've just googled there have been multiple times where SA has happened. Why the hell didn't I actually THINK about it.

I feel sick, it doesn't feel real.

Feelings of guilt and resentment exist for a reason. Use them to drive change. In a few weeks time you could be feeling free, strong and happy if you act to change your situation.

Why the hell didn't I actually THINK about it

Because you're being abused and have developed coping strategies to protect yourself.

For whatever reason it sounds like you're now ready to take steps to get out of the situation. There is support out there - ask for it, use it. Be careful, abusers often ramp up the abuse when they sense they are losing control of their victim.

• he ruined my first pregnancy and the first years of dd's life. He was an angry, verbally horrible drunk who would scream in my face that he thought I was a slag and was cheating (I wasn't)

• That stopped when I threatened to leave. Now he just makes passive aggressive digs about me being lazy when he's had a few.

• I have a disability and he is my carer, he puts a few loads of laundry in, cooks twice and helps load the dishwasher. He tells his family that he does EVERYTHING and seems to not notice or ignores what I do.

-He's hurt me deeply by having online sex chats with young girls/women he used to know.

• if he was actually going to do any of the night time parenting instead of sitting on videogames then he would be welcome to do it how he wanted to.

He said 'Fuck off'.

... Why are not supposed to be raging?
I'm raging on your behalf and I don't even know him.

He's an abusive, cheating (yes I consider online sex chats cheating andvsobwiukd he if you were doing it), lying, c*nt.

He may be gorgeous on the outside but no exterior hotness can make up for that level of ugly on the inside. Bring on Dorian Gray ;).

He loves his kids - well most people do. It's kind of a minimum. Your daughter will adjust,vshd doesn't understand what he's like, kids are v selfish bin their naive way.

In, not bin.

You can hoof anyone if you're not happy, even if they're not like he is - but he's certainly given you plenty to hoof him for. Can you manage financially?

He actually says I am the abusive one, financially. I might be, I have a second account that I move the bill/food money in to each month. He says that is hiding the money from him.

Is that because he'd spend it if you didn't?

Yes, he has in the past used the last of the money to get beer/scratchcards/cigs when we've had no milk/food in. So I started putting away the money for food/bills in a seperate account and only leaving 'spare' money in the joint one.

He says im financially abusive because I do this.

I was horrified and thought he might be right. He says I have a problem with Amazon because sometimes, when I'm upstairs with the dc and it's getting very stressful, I'll rent/buy a movie or boxset and listen to it through one headphone to get me through the hour.

I'll also be starting with the OU in February, he hasn't been happy about me getting my set books either.

He's sleeping on the sofa. Im a bit concerned he might have read this but oh well.