Remembering the past brings up feelings of intense rage. Can this relationship ever be salvaged?

[SleeplessInShanklin]

And do I even want it to be?

I know this has been said a million times before, but I really do still love DH. I really want to adore him as much as I did before dc.

He is gorgeous, he used to be a really good friend, and he loves the dc.

But everytime I have any cause to remember the last few years I feel an intense rage and loathing for him, quickly followed by guilt for not doing as I said I would and moving on.

Without too many details (because I know he looks through here sometimes to see if I ever post as he knows I use mumsnet) he ruined my first pregnancy and the first years of dd's life. He was an angry, verbally horrible drunk who would scream in my face that he thought I was a slag and was cheating (I wasn't)

That stopped when I threatened to leave. Now he just makes passive aggressive digs about me being lazy when he's had a few. I have a disability and he is my carer, he puts a few loads of laundry in, cooks twice and helps load the dishwasher. He tells his family that he does EVERYTHING and seems to not notice or ignores what I do.

He's hurt me deeply by having online sex chats with young girls/women he used to know.

Tonight I've just exploded seemingly out of nowhere. The dc have been very difficult to deal with during the night, dd has autism and ds has been very unwell.

I came down slightly wound up (never to the dc but felt i needed to vent a little downstairs) at how it felt like I've never had a night off in years, as even when things are going well I'm up and down like a yo yo.

He started lecturing me about how I should be dealing with them/bedroom arrangements...and I snapped. Over a silly thing like that.

Shouted at him that if he was actually going to do any of the night time parenting instead of sitting on videogames then he would be welcome to do it how he wanted to.

He said 'Fuck off'.

Now I feel guilty. I jist cant seem to let go of all this bile and resentment thats built up over the years. I feel like I'm being selfish for just wanting to give up.

Counselling cant help this can it? [Sad]

Fuck him. I really hope you manage to get rid of this abusive waste of space.

He says im financially abusive because I do this

What he's doing is projecting his own behaviours on you and gaslighting you. This is emotional abuse. He turns everything onto you rather than taking responsibility for his own bad behaviour.

You have to protect the food & bill money cos he'll piss it away. you know it. He knows it. He wants to bully you into giving it to him anyway. He gives nary a shit about you and the kids.

That makes him financially abusive, not you.

He would have been potentially depriving his partner and kids of necessities so he can buy luxuries/legal drugs/gamble (however mainstream and cuddly scratch cards are, still gambling, still ex unlikely to win and still s luxury).

Anyway what a selfish bastard.

And saying you have a problem for downloading TV/movie while you do work with kids on your own that he should be helping you with .. while he has done the above and now plays video games .... Lawd above.

Some excellent comments about anger. Listen to them op.

Same for your books - a necessity - for education.

Morning, and thank yiu to those that helped me talk it out last night when I was upset.

I'm a bit worried because the anger seems to have died down again today. Is that usual? I had planned to ask him to leave after taking dd to school.

He's brought me a cup of tea and ironed the uniform (usually my job) but hasn't spoken a word.

Keep going @SleeplessInShanklin
I have been where you are. It's normal for the anger to leave.
Please don't slip back to where you are. You've made a really hard decision and I'm sure everyone here is so proud of you.
There will never be 'the right time' to tell him to leave.
You've had some great advice and strong support on here. Keep going

It's hard to hold onto anger 24/7 and if he has read this he will be putting on a display of how wonderful he is but everyone has said it, this man IS abusive. Abuse of any degree is not something you should settle for. As a daughter of an abusive father there was a time when younger that I loved him but as I grew up I soon used to wish my mum would leave him. I also got into an abusive relationship at 20.

Leaving will make you happier and ultimately teach your daughter to respect herself and hopefully avoid her repeating your mistakes. If your anger simmers down hold onto the resolve.

You don't have to be angry to ask him to leave.

He doesn't have to be being a total knobber at the time you ask him to leave.

You can be feeling cold and detached as he makes efforts to be nice that are too little too late, when you tell him you have decided to end the relationship. I'd say that's actually the best time to end it.

He's going to paint you as the wicked witch of the west no matter how it ends so you just have to go fuck it, yeah, whatever you say, I'm a big meanie, bye bye anyway

Ive left before, I instantly morphed into the old happy/relaxed me

There's your answer.
Your dc will just have to deal with life.

When I was angry it felt much easier to think of saying 'get out!'

I think I made a mistake in waiting until the morning.

He's being lovely, it feels like the life I want (but I know it won't last) and now I've had time to think of every excuse under the sun NOT to leave.

I know I'm being an idiot, I just can't help hoping. I think I will book myself in to the local freedom programme in the new year.