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Relationships

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Original poster

How was it different when it was with the man you ended up marrying?

53 replies

Dingledongles · 17/12/2018 16:53

Did you know quite soon that you’d marry? Did the dates feel different from the start?

Just wondering. I hear all sorts about ‘just knowing’ and wonder what it feels like.

OP posts:

Annandale · 17/12/2018 16:57

You wouldn't want to take advice from me...

I'm an ancient 25 years old and you're the person I'm dating. I just know you're the one! [spoiler: he wasn't].

You fulfil my very deep need to be needed, and you're also really nice, especially compared to my first husband. You have actually stated that you would consider having a child with me, and I'm 34 years old. Surprise, I'm pregnant!

I suspect an awful lot of 'I just knew' statements have something like this lurking underneath. But then maybe that's why I pay a lot of money for therapy.

YahBasic · 17/12/2018 17:01

There was no messing around or game playing. I was only early twenties, so young but had dated at college and uni.

It felt comfortable from the start. Pretty early on, we told each other what we wanted out of life and from each other. We’ve grown up together and he still makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever met.

italiancortado · 17/12/2018 17:16

Before we even got together we knew we would get married/. We were aquaintances before and it was an all or nothing situation

AFistfulofDolores1 · 17/12/2018 18:57

Totally, Annandale - I take my own 'just knowings' with a huge pinch of salt nowadays. (Hint: you're right: you do know - because it's familiar and a deeply ingrained unconscious pattern. Another hint: this doesn't necessarily mean the relationship won't last.)

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 17/12/2018 19:10

I knew he had potential very early. It was just easy. Everything was easy. He was an adult who could compromise and discuss, he made me laugh, he was fab. After 6 months I knew we'd likely end up married because things managed to get better again and we just got a bit of depth. 11 years on and we're still very happy and I still love the bones of him. We've had our challenges but it's been nothing we haven't been able to manage as a team.

museumum · 17/12/2018 19:14

I knew after two dates that our relationship would be measured in years rather than weeks or months. Not sure how, I think it was the fact that we talked nonstop for about five hours on our first date.
I wasn’t sure about marriage and children at all before I met him but we’ve now been together 12 years, married 7 and have a 5yo.

RyvitaBrevis · 17/12/2018 19:17

If you aren't the kind of person who "just knows" other big decisions, you might not "just know" this one either.

Trust your judgement especially if you have a niggle or worry or bad feeling about someone but if you're missing the "I just know" feeling it may not mean anything.

People said I would "just know" which wedding dress was "the one" and I didn't, let alone about the bigger things. I don't think I get that feeling. But I did marry a man who was 100% the right one for me in hindsight, someone who I can trust, who understands me and shares the same values, and whose company I enjoy. We were friends first so I knew in that sense that it was likely to work out, but I didn't "just know." If that makes sense!

Notacluethisxmas · 17/12/2018 19:19

I am not a fan of 'I just knew'. But that's just from my personal experiences. I just knew I would marry exh. I just knew it. I even overlooked some stuff I wasn't happy with. Looking back I was young, he was older (me 18, him 26), impressionable, in love and easily led and just knew we would marry so happily went along with what he wanted.

He was a fucking dick and I finally left him at 34.

I can't say I ever just knew with Dp. We took a while. But it all felt comfortable and natural. It feels totally natural that he is moving in.

I have just known so many other people who have just known and yet it hasn't worked out. I don't know. I think the people who do just know and have a happy marriage are either more intuitive, perhaps a more stable upbringing for red flags to stop them 'Just knowing' or are lucky it works out. Maybe a bit of all of it.

Quietwhenreading · 17/12/2018 19:27

I married my first boyfriend.

We started going out as teenagers and well before we were 18 we knew that was it for us.

We didn’t tell anyone though and waited until we graduated university and got jobs before we got engaged.

We’ve now been together 30 years and married 20.

We’re very happy but we work hard at it and don’t take each other for granted.

dilly123 · 17/12/2018 19:28

On the reverse.. I knew my exh wasn't really the one on my wedding morning! When we met he was my 1st serious bf, I was the only single one in my group of friends he was quite full on & I think I just got swept away with it all.. the initial attraction wore off within a few months & we had nothing not a single thing in common at that stage I should have ended it but I was young & naive.
The wedding planning was stressful & not enjoyable, I didn't even have a hen night because I didn't feel there was anything to celebrate, I arrived at the church & he was still outside because his parents were late, I looked at him & realised although I loved him because he was a lovely guy I wasn't in love with him.. we lasted a troubled 7 years. It was a huge mistake & I've carried the guilt ever since & I still do.. glad to say he's moved on & has remarried with a toddler & another on the way while I've been in a series of disastrous things... must be Karma.

I can only say in hindsight when I looked at him my heart said aww like when you see a friend not pwoarrr/aww when you look at someone you are in love with/devoted to/don't want to spend a minute apart from.. if in doubt take your time before rushing into anything

FourFuxxakes · 17/12/2018 20:07

He was different to previous 'boyfriends' I use the term very loosely because he wanted more than just sex and we had proper dates together. I don't think I ever had that realisation that dh was 'the one' though. It kind of just happened over the course of a couple of years, going from one date to another to staying over to meeting family to weekends away to spending more time together than apart to him moving in. We had 2 dc and thought we might as well get married since we had nothing to lose so romantic.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 17/12/2018 21:25

I had his full attention from the get-go.

He tried really hard to get / to hold my attention.

Everything was cool. It wasn't an up hill struggle. No game playing. Also, interestingly, we could really only see each other at the weekend because we lived sixty two miles away from each other. I drove to see him as he had his own place, I still lived at the family home. Friday to Sunday visits became Friday to Monday....

I used to get up at 5am to drive back to my district and go straight to work after having left his bed that morning.

I want to know what love is. I believe I found it. (We celebrate our silver wedding anniversary next year.)

Rarotonga · 17/12/2018 21:28

I echo the sentiments in the previous post...no messing about, no playing games, he just made it obvious he liked me a lot and I did too. It felt magical from the first moment I met him.

Noonemournsthewicked · 17/12/2018 21:33

Didn't feel nervous in her company. Chatted the night away and still chatting 9 years later.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 17/12/2018 21:47

He smelled right, chemistry. I felt like I'd come home, I was in the right place. I knew I'd marry him the first night I spent with him. It's been 21 years now.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 17/12/2018 21:56

I'm another one who just found it really easy, and natural. I knew within the first couple of dates that he was the one, and so far we are 15 years married, and still going strong. I think though I was just really lucky.

LizzieSiddal · 17/12/2018 22:06

I echo the sentiments in the previous post...no messing about, no playing games, he just made it obvious he liked me a lot and I did too. It felt magical from the first moment I met him.

Exactly the same for me. It was as if we’d known each other for years, it was an odd yet magical feeling.
We talked about being together forever after six weeks, we knew it was mad but we just went with it. We married 7 months after meeting, and have now been together for 30 years.

We constantly think how lucky we are that we found each other. (In a bar, in a little town in Spain).

deadliftgirl · 17/12/2018 22:35

I think knowing you will marry someone is different to knowing that this person could potentially be the one. After all we don't always get to marry the one.

For me, I met my husband in 2013 and we were very on and off for a couple of years. He never thought for one day (for a long time) that I would be his wife, as we were so different and argued about everything. I knew deep down that he was the one for me but I also never saw a happy ending for a very long time as there was so much hurt and pain between us both.

We broke up in 2015, I dumped him actually and 10 months later we somehow got back in touch because of some personal circumstances that brought me back into his life. It was like the time apart helped us both understand who we were as individuals and what we did wrong before in the relationship. More importantly that time apart helped my now husband understand what he did wrong and what he needed to change. We were back together a year and a half and he proposed. Then just a few months ago we were married.

I realise now that if we had got married during those firs 2 years of constant problems, love and fights, we would never have made it. You really have to know someone to take that step and realise that marriage is about more than love. Its about commitment, trust, staying when the going gets tough.

Today, me and my husband could no be more happier. We are trying for our first child and we never fight. Even we do have problems, he makes me laugh after 2 minutes. We evolved from being two totally different people to being one soul joined by to bodies.

Dirtybadger · 17/12/2018 22:44

Well given how many marriages end in divorce I would say you don't really "know" anything. Ever. Just not feeling anything wrong is a good sign I think. I think overlooking things that are wrong is probably more of an issue than having to have some sort of "knowing feeling". Because lust can do that for you for a couple of years anyway and just plough through all the stuff you shouldn't be ignoring.

No divorces under my belt (not old enough really). Just don't buy into the romantic idea people "just know". A large % of those people still get divorced. Some quickly, Some decades later. Just gotta give it your best shot and trust your judgment (unless you have reason not to).

Woooman · 17/12/2018 23:25

When I initially first met my dh I liked him but no feelings beyond that. However, during our first official date I just knew we would marry. He did too and started talking about what he was looking for in life (marriage, babies etc). It was serious from the start. He laid his cards out on the table and so did I and we just clicked. It felt like I'd finally met the right person at the right time. We felt equal to each other and we laughed about the same things. He would text me just as I was texting him and we would have the same thoughts at the same time. Something clicked into place when I met him. Something I'd not felt with any previous partners.

Lucylugs · 17/12/2018 23:45

Before we had a date we used to chat and I remember thinking imagine if we got together and had a family, that'd be really lovely. Later when we first kissed I had that feeling of coming home and it just felt so right. When we were only dating 6 weeks my sister said I'd be really upset if we broke up and I knew she was right. Not my normal attitude at all. Having said all that I still didn't know for sure but I was willing to go the distance with him, however long that was going to be. Turned out to be a long time.

Lamentations · 17/12/2018 23:49

I was just at an age where I wanted to get married and have children and started seeing DH who is a kind and handsome man. I don't think I'd have married anyone at 25 because I didn't want to then. I don't believe in the 'one' at all. Had we not met we'd likely be just as happily married to other people.

PlumbingQuandry · 18/12/2018 03:18

I knew from the first kiss there was something badly wrong with my dh. He didn't kiss me back, just sat there & took it which was really weird. But I stayed with him & married him because he was extremely financially stable & I knew he would be reliable & never stray. 22yrs on and he's diagnosed with an untreatable personality disorder. My life became a living hell & I had to leave him. I'm now in therapy to make sure that doesn't happen again..

I would love to have a new healthy marriage one day.

MerryBear · 18/12/2018 03:55

From the start, the dates always felt like the unfolding chapters in a long novel, rather than just an anecdote.

AsleepAllDay · 18/12/2018 04:02

Interesting how a lot of people say how easy it was & effortless from meeting. I've had that before and can't say it has translated into the one...

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