He says he likes me and thinks it might go somewhere but doesn't do any of the little things

[user2348]

I've been dating a guy for several months now, but I find him really hard to read. He's quite a reserved character, and doesn't really show emotion. I do like him and fancy him a lot though. I'm just not sure whether to continue...
He makes plans to see me, but doesn't do any of the little thoughtful things I've had in the past from previous boyfriends - such as cook for me/make the odd thoughtful gesture/give compliments.
I told him I felt like a mate he's sleeping with a few weeks ago, after he didn't really do anything for my 40th birthday. I got a card and a text, but it didn't say anything - just happy birthday. He says he's a slow burn, and does like me and see a future. But I'm struggling without the little gestures that build a relationship at the start, such as saying it was great to see me, or anything like that - or do these come later with some men? He also talks about exes a lot which adds to a general flat feeling I get sometimes after seeing him. But he's a good bloke, and the best I've come across for ages after endless internet dating.
But isn't it essential to have at least some hint of romance in the early stages? He's (a young) 44 and never been married - neither have I. His last relationship sounds like they were more flatmates than lovers, and he says he's not a romantic. I'm not desperate for kids, but I want a proper relationship where I feel special and cared for...but maybe that doesn't happen with some men for a while?

He’s not going to change.
Thoughtful gestures aren’t something that develop they’re part of your pattern of behaviour in relationships.

No-one wakes up at the 12 months mark and starts picking up your favourite chocolate bar at the petrol station “just because”.

Now, I don’t think that those gestures are the be all and end all - people show love differently, and like to be shown it differently.

But I can promise you that this is how he is, and if those things are important to you - this isn’t likely to be a happy relationship for you.

Even though I think genuinely that love can be shown in different ways, I’m unimpressed that he was dismissive of you expressing your needs.

The card - I think that’s fine, you’d only been dating a matter of weeks at that point. My husband won’t write much/anything in cards! But he shows his love in many other ways.

It’s not that he’s wrong - just wrong for you.

He won't change. Those kind of things are important to me too and had a relationship with a non romantic and it just made me feel unloved.

Thanks both - that's helpful, and my gut knows that's the case..people don't change, and he's been . He told me he took an ex girlfriend on a surprise trip away, so that gave me hope that he can do the thoughtful stuff. But it's the small things, I guess, that are missing and important to me at the start - just makes me feel a bit unappreciated. I've also never started a relationship with someone who doesn't at least do some of this stuff, though he's reliable and trustworthy which I keep telling myself are what I've been missing. It feels so hard to find someone like that!

I'm dating a guy who rarely compliments me and won't contact me between dates and shows no affection in public. To some women this wouldn't matter but they matter to ME! I think at an early stage in relationships they should be making all the moves to impress. I don't think they will change later. With my guy - we are just incompatible. I don't think someone like him would make me happy, despite having other qualities like bring hard working, a good dad. I know nobody
Is perfect but you have to ask whether you think
You could be happy long term with a man like yours.

Your guy sounds similar to mine - he isn't at all tactile in public, and doesn't compliment. He says he's just 'laidback', but for me that sometimes comes across as just not making an effort.
I guess I'm also scared of 'being out there' again, as I went through my entire 30s having awful dating experiences with very complicated men who I met online - but then, I know at some stage I have to be brave and ask myself if I can cope with the lack of any small gestures long-term. I know I can't as it'll make me feel unloved, even though he's a good and uncomplicated man. But It's very frustrating, as there's a lot of good in him that I can see and I haven't found for ages - gah!

User2348 yes it's really depressing isn't it? But you have to ask yourself what you are prepared to overlook and what you just can't. I've only been dating my guy for a few months and I already feel insecure about my looks and how much he fancies me. I couldn't deal with that long term without my self esteem being in tatters.

But your opinion is the only one that matters here, OP, and you clearly aren't happy it's really sad to think of you wistfully imagining that he might take you away on a surprise trip because he once did it for an ex, and looking in his texts for any evidence of pleasure in seeing you. To me he sounds lazy and complacent he's in no particular panic about showing you he cares in order to hold your interest, and seems to have no sense that he's met someone valuable he wants to keep in his life. In fact, he seems to take you thoroughly for granted already.

If, a few months in, you feel like a mate he's sleeping with, at a stage when for many or most good new relationships, it's crazily intense hearts-and-flowers and wanting to see one another all the time, I don't think it's going to get any better. Ditch his lazy, complacent 'laidback' ass and find someone who appreciates you.

You know, if my boyfriend said to me “I like small surprise gestures to make me feel loved”, I wouldn’t say “nah, I’m slow burn, laid back”.

I’d say - I want you to feel loved (or appreciated, if it’s too early days off love!) and I do - but, that sort of thing isn’t something I’ve ever usually done. I’ll make an effort, but it isn’t natural to me, so bear with me - and give me pointers sometimes please!”

Then I’d put a reminder in my phone - every 3rd week or something. And I’d bloody well bring home flowers (or whatever) the next night and say “hope this isn’t too obvious, but I wanted you to know I was serious about trying”.

You can’t makd massive changes to a person in a relationship. But make small changes to make someone happy? Yes. And if you can’t be bothered to do that - then how are you ever going to weather more difficult times?

I really like “5 Love Languages” to think differently about you Show love / like it to be shown. His compromise might be actively thinking about gestures, but you might also be happy to compromise by learning to recognise other ways in which he does show love (if he does).

This is who he is. He’s never gunna change and he’s never gunna become romantic overnight. He doesn’t do gestures, if he isn’t doing them at the beginning he certainly won’t start doing them further down the line

You need to ask yourself if you can be with this man and be happy, with him being how he is.
I don’t think you’ll be happy.

Slow burn to what though? Slow burn suggests its a long process to something, whereas this sounds like "eventually you'll stop wanting it, slow burn result achieved."

You seem to be hanging a lot on the fact he took a previous girlfriend on holiday, that could have been a "we do something together as a couple or I'm off" ultimatum from her though for all you know. My ex took his ex all over the world, the best I got was a long weekend in Wales!

He also talks about exes a lot which adds to a general flat feeling I get sometimes after seeing him.

Imho, this general flat feeling is the foundation of this relationship.

Telling you about his other relationships is a bit of a road block, to me anyway. I can understand if something in the moment reminds him of a cute/relevant reference and he blurts out something in an off the cuff manner about when he was with another woman. But generally, I would find it rude if he does this “a lot”.

His thinking and focusing on these other women (past or not) while with you is a bit of a warning, too, in that he wants to present himself as such a catch that you should be grateful for his seeing you. Nope.

“Sees a future with you”. Ha ha, where’s his crystal ball? This is just lip service to say what he thinks you want to hear. That’s a toe across the line into future faking.

I think “all the little things” happen when the feelings are sincere and authentic, done for “The One”.

You may have a confirmed bachelor on your hands.

Don’t invest your heart here. He is not a keeper.

@Ellisandra - Yes, I've heard of the '5 languages of love' and thought of that in this situation. It makes sense, though I'm unsure what his language is at this stage, as there doesn't seem to be one, except not wanting things to finish when I said I felt too much like a mate.
@StormTreader - He said he was 'slow burn' when I asked a few weeks in if he wanted to give things a proper go together. He said he thought I moved faster than him, and it takes him a while to get to the relationship stage.
I just have a general feeling of flatness now and again, as he's not putting in the thought that I'd hope for/seeming excited (though he says he is, but just doesn't show it), although he is wanting to see me a few times a week and asked to spend New Year with me (then left it up to me to book something for that!)

@AndTheBandPlayed on - you've summed up what I thought here -
"You may have a confirmed bachelor on your hands."
I even told him he comes across as quite the bachelor, but I also liked that he didn't seem to have any baggage and he's 44. I find a lot of men these days are newly separated and very complicated.

He told me the ex he loved the most looked like Julia Roberts on our last date. I didn't want to know that :( I'm not sure why he told me, except that we were talking about films. I find a lot of men talk about exes, but when they are not making you feel special on top of that, it's tricky.

It doesn't sound like he put any effort at all into your 40th birthday, just a card and text. What is he looking for in the future, someone to live with, make a family, marriage, share hobbies, have you met his friends and family ? He doesn't sound that in to you

Hmm, I wonder how he'd react if you spent the next date banging on about how the ex you loved the most looked like Ryan Reynolds and was extremely well endowed....
"Ex talk" surely falls under that banner of "just because its true doesn't mean you have to say it".

He said when I expressed some disappointment re my 40th that he has been single for many years, and is very out of practice/didn't know what to do because it's early stages (again, the slow burn thing) I said he didn't seem that into me, but he says he is, and wanted to discuss it, so I took that as a positive sign...so I gave him a chance, and he said he wants to try. But I'm just not sure what the 'trying' is, except he does make plans to see me.
I know what my gut's saying, it's just hard because at my age there seem so few decent blokes around and I've had my fair share of nutters - so he seemed quite a simple, good guy to date, and a breath of fresh air in some ways. And there is a lot of chemistry in the bedroom.

@StormTreader - Ha ha! I wish I had an ex who looked like Ryan...

The slow burn comment along with the lack of effort tells you he's not that into you.

His reassurances sound to me like he's actually saying "You are OK I suppose. I can imagine keeping going with you for a while yet. I am not planning to dump you any time soon. Maybe I'll even start to have real feelings for you, it's not unimaginable to me."

If you are happy to run it like a FWB situation for a while then that could work. Long term romantic relationship? Nah.

@CottonTailRabbit I think you might be right. He's got it pretty good at the moment. I don't think a guy goes on about being laidback or slow burn, along with the ex talk, if he's really into you - it's just confusing because he says he thinks we have similar goals, and doesn't want me to end it (we do have similar goals, neither want kids, and both want dogs - but that doesn't a relationship make)
I also am pretty sure this is just how he is with anyone, which is why he's a good-looking, intelligent bachelor at 44, who's been single for a long time.

Honestly, OP, you don't sound like a match to me. His efforts for your 40th are pitiful imo. My DP was single for a long time before we got together and I had a birthday when we were starting to date (we hadn't even kissed and it wasn't a special birthday). He's not hugely skilled with these things - often needs guidance etc. But, even he sent me a couple of nice presents, gift wrapped from Amazon! In my world, it's what you do when you like someone and care how they feel and want to progress things. He obviously sees things differently to you, which is fine, but it means you're not a match in this way. I think life's hard enough without spending it feeling disappointed over these basic things.

I agree with @CottonTailRabbit. It sounds like a fwb situation. This would be fine if you were happy and satisfied, but it doesn't sound like you are.

He said when I expressed some disappointment re my 40th that he has been single for many years, and is very out of practice/didn't know what to do because it's early stages

Oh, honestly. How much 'practice' does it require to think 'It's a big birthday for this lovely person I'm seeing -- what shall I do that I know she'd like?'

He makes himself sound as if he'd just landed from Mars and is wondering at the strange earthlings and their strange birthday ways... The more you say the more lazy, complacent and commitment-phobic he sounds, and, as others have said, it's not exactly a mystery why he's been single for a very long time, if this is the best he can do.

But his actions don’t match what he is saying. He is a smooth talker and obviously has a higher degree in making excuses. It is lip service.

He is training you to have zero expectations. And it looks like a take it or leave it proposition.

Besides the fwb template; but after awhile even that could leave you with that flat feeling (I would imagine). The main problem with that is it would take up time you could be using to find a better suited partner.

Is he mean with money?