He says he likes me and thinks it might go somewhere but doesn't do any of the little things

[user2348]

I've been dating a guy for several months now, but I find him really hard to read. He's quite a reserved character, and doesn't really show emotion. I do like him and fancy him a lot though. I'm just not sure whether to continue...
He makes plans to see me, but doesn't do any of the little thoughtful things I've had in the past from previous boyfriends - such as cook for me/make the odd thoughtful gesture/give compliments.
I told him I felt like a mate he's sleeping with a few weeks ago, after he didn't really do anything for my 40th birthday. I got a card and a text, but it didn't say anything - just happy birthday. He says he's a slow burn, and does like me and see a future. But I'm struggling without the little gestures that build a relationship at the start, such as saying it was great to see me, or anything like that - or do these come later with some men? He also talks about exes a lot which adds to a general flat feeling I get sometimes after seeing him. But he's a good bloke, and the best I've come across for ages after endless internet dating.
But isn't it essential to have at least some hint of romance in the early stages? He's (a young) 44 and never been married - neither have I. His last relationship sounds like they were more flatmates than lovers, and he says he's not a romantic. I'm not desperate for kids, but I want a proper relationship where I feel special and cared for...but maybe that doesn't happen with some men for a while?

@MadameDuBarry That made me laugh!

He told me the ex he loved the most looked like Julia Roberts on our last date.

The man is a tool

Get rid now

Forever

@AndTheBankPlayedOn He's not exactly generous...which I have noted. Yes, he is good at excuses - albeit they are usually a bit pathetic. But he comes across as a reserved, sweet, good guy though - who's just a bit hopeless - which is why I have been carrying on seeing him. He doesn't have an arrogant bone it seems, albeit doesn't really think sometimes...

@Gina2012 - yes, I did wonder why on earth he said that. Like I needed to know! Strange, but I put it down to thoughtlessness.

I would suggest that you think about what you want from a relationship.

What's important to you.
What makes you happy.
What lifestyle do you want to have with your future long-term partner?

Write it all down and from there, you will be able to see clearly whether he is a match to you or not.

I think we can all get into the habit of focusing on the other person in these situations. (What he says, what he means, what he wants etc.) I would encourage you to focus more on yourself, how you feel and what you want.

@SandAndSea That's very wise advice. Thank you. I always focus far too much on what the man is thinking and wants.

@user2348 - Thanks. (It comes from being in similar experiences years ago.)

Doesn’t have an arrogant bone?
I think he does, actually.
There’s a certain arrogance to dismissing your needs due to his being “laid back”, isn’t there?

Even if he is “just hopeless”, what woman ever sat over drinks on her hen night saying “I’m marrying him because he’s a bit hopeless”?

Hopeless would make my fandango dry out then close over.
XH was hopeless. I gave up trying to fix him, married a very capable man this time round - it’s lovely! (and XH wasn’t all that hopeless really - he’s now married to a woman who does all his cooking, cleaning, life admin, childcare, elderly parent visiting... “hopeless” seemed to get him exactly what he wanted. Ditto your boyfriend who is getting what he wants without having to provide what you want.)

If i am honest I recognise that I have been like this when I am seeing someone but am not 100% into it. I realise I am doing it so then I end the RS as it’s unfair. I don’t like the feeling that I don’t want to do these things and something is missing.

He just isn’t that into you I’m sorry

Throw him back in the murky dating pond. He's a rotten stinker, stringing you along. Increase your expectations. He sucks. I am certain that you will find someone that appreciates you.

Op, he’s trying to chip away at your confidence. The comment about his ex looking like a movie star, lack of compliments, undervaluing an important birthday of yours. HUGE red flags.

It’s not going to get better, it’ll only get worse from here. I think you should get rid of him before you get used to it and it gets worse.

So women who look like Julia Roberts have a thing for hopeless, ungenerous, unromantic, thoughtless, laidback commitmentphobic men who feel the need to take about their exs all the time? Really? I think you can add insecure bullshitter to that list!

Very good advice from SandandSea OP.