Mother using excuses to terminate our relationship

[expectantmummy87]

Hey guys!

Bit of a long one here.....!! Only start to read if you have a cup of tea in hand and a few minutes on the sofa.

I need some moral support. I am 31, have a little baby boy and my Mum has serious depression. The thing is, she maintains that I have caused her depression and my actions have hurt her so badly that she can no longer have a relationship with me.

Over the years, we have really struggled with our relationship. It's very much a parent-child relationship rather than two adults have their own different opinions, life choices and relationships and respecting them. It's very much 'do it my way or I will punish you'. I'm such a patient person and I've always tried to do the 'right' thing for my Mum, but no matter what I do, she is unhappy. She is unhappy in herself, she is unhappy in her life and she is unhappy with me.

A few weeks back I gave birth to my first child. It was the most profound, beautiful and wonderful day of my life but she made sure that the day became about her and her feelings. She was unhappy with how long my partner took to come out of the unit to let them know how things were going, despite the fact that he had run out straight after his baby was born to tell them. She left in a rage and came back the next morning only after I begged her to come and see her grandson. She sat next to me on the ward, berating me for my actions and telling me she would 'never forgive' my partner for being so selfish. The midwife came in to make sure I was ok as I sat there, holding my new baby, in tears as my Mum continued to 'have a go' at me.

There are many other incidents like this...but the most latest has been about Christmas. As our families only live half an hour apart, we thought we could split the day and suggested this. This wasn't ok with my Mum and she told me not to come home, to give my key back and to spend the day with my 'new family'. She told me that she is 'suffering the loss of her daughter to another woman' simply because I choose to have a relationship with my mother-in-law. I don't want to stop speaking to my mother-in-law just because my own Mum has issues with her; I'm not a child and neither is she. This isn't a playground. This is adult life. I can't help her by coming down to her level, I have to stay positive and happy for my own wellbeing. Two angry people can't help each other.

This has been going on for 31 years. I could write so many stories. I have been so patient with my Mum. I have tried to do everything I can to please her, to be a 'good' daughter, to keep the peace. But now this is starting to get serious. I have a son, he has a father and his father has a family. And that's usually the way it works when two people have a baby. My Mum wants to come first, no matter what. I love her; so what do I do? I am tired of these games.

I know most of you will say cut her out of my life, which might be best. I feel as though she is using excuses to terminate our relationship and put the blame onto me. I also feel like she wants me to start fighting with my mother-in-law. But that's just not me. I respect everyones opinions - everyone is entitled to one and everyone has them and that's ok!!

Thank you for reading, I just needed to vent a little. I'm terrified of my Mum and I wondered if anyone else here has the same issues.

x x x x

You can't ever improve this situation. You can't fix her. As the adage goes, there's no cure for being a cunt.

How long before she turns her "disappointment" and rage onto your child? Not long, I imagine.

I know it's really tough but you probably should allow her to distance herself from you. Sounds like you running after her when she has a tantrum is rewarding her bad behaviour and maybe that's what she's looking for ever time you do it. I would stop doing that for a start

I think you would fit right into the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I would certainly read and post on there too.
Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. Continuing to try and seek her approval here will get you nowhere because she will never give you that and she is not built that way. Ultimately you will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with her rather than the one you actually got.

I would also keep your son well away from your mother; she was not a good parent to you growing up and she could well emotionally harm him in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have yourself been harmed. You became perhaps a people pleaser and rescuer; both are harmful to you. You were never put on this earth to continue to be abused by your mother. This is all on her and she never sought the necessary help for her problems. All she did instead was blame you for all her inherent ills and she will not change. She does not want your help or support and you cannot help her. You will only further destroy your own self in trying.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. If she cuts you off she is doing you a favour here. Do not at all rush back to her and beg, that is probably what she expects you to do and what you have become conditioned into doing. Withdraw completely from her game. You do not need her approval and she does not want your help or support.

Right now, I would pretty much write a letter saying the above. Don't send it yet.
Adapt it,refine it. Set ground rules.

I have been there except it was my in laws -screaming down the phone after I'd had my baby because apparently waiting for more than 2 hours after an emergency c section -is too long. Despite the fact I was in recovery and didn't have a mobile phone. Barging in, and because I wouldn't give them a key to my new house, demanding my now ex husband's key back from childhood. It's drama you don't need.

For now, I'd explain you have a newborn and you are going to be taking some time away from all the berating and negativity or just call it space and focus on your family.

This is not about you really -this is about her. Was she rejected by her mother? What's happened in her life to make her so needy and horrible.

Ask your partner and midwife for support. Right now take some space -she is behaving in the most awful way so step back -I mean really step back and explain why.

Then I'd send her a letter as above -draft, draft, draft and then send but make the future clear. No more negativity -you are a new family and not her possession.

Your mum should be doing so much more and supporting but she is being absolutely awful -so give her a wide birth. Let your MIL know too how difficult she is being. etc

It's really horrid -I'd been there on the other side.

Set very firm boundaries and then stick to them.

Offer her choices but if she declines remember it was her choice.

Don’t apologise when you aren’t in the wrong and don’t respond to tantrums.

For example if you are proposing Christmas am with the PIL and then Christmas PM with her, she either:

Accepts
Suggests a sensible alternative plan which works for everyone
Or declines.

She doesn’t get to dictate what you do.
She doesn’t get to listening to tantrums.

If you go to her home and she is telling you you are a terrible daughter then leave
If she is in your home telling you that you are a terrible daughter then politely show her the door.

She only gets to see you and the baby if she behaves reasonably. Ask your DH to help enforce as you might struggle to.

The only way to deal with tantrums is to stay calm and never give in. Think of it as good practice for the toddler years.

Firm boundaries. Positive behaviour reinforcement.

She is looking for re-assurance that you love and care for her. I would just keep repeating that and not engage in the games. For example, if she says she has lost you. Then you say, that will never happen no matter how hard you try. The fact that you are terrified of her, gives her the power. Stop being afraid of her. The worst that can happen is that she stops speaking to you and if she chooses to do that you can do nothing to stop it. If she wanted to do that though, she wouldn't be playing the games. You can't control her, just as she can't control you. She may never realize this, but you can. If she blows up just keep calm and give her time and space. She clearly loves you, but she sounds deeply insecure and she is testing you. Just don't let it break you. My mother is a bit like this, my mother in law as well. Breathing deeply and telling yourself it's not you is really all you can do.

Congratulations on the birth of your little one.

You need to work out why you are terrified of your Mum, and work on that. Do you realistically fear she would harm you or your family? If not, what are you scared of? It sounds like she has a lot of power over you - but as ou say, you are both adults. I can only guess that she terrorised you when you were little and she did have a lot of power over you. But as you say, you are an adult too now.

She is not behaving like a Mum AT ALL. Those are not the actions of a loving parent.

You need to find a way to break out of this, and not let her terorise you any more. I doubt if it will be easy but it sounds like you need to try. Others will know a lot more about where to start wiht this.

I wish you the very best - have a lovely Christmas with your babe and your own little family.

I would write a letter but do not send it. It will simply be used by her as more ready made ammunition against you if you do along with a vitriolic list of your own supposed shortcomings. It is just asking therefore fore more trouble. You cannot reason with the unreasonable and unyielding and you should not even try.

Posts like yours make me so sad op; there is nothing you can do to placate her - she is throwing her dummy out of the pram just as she always has done when you don't jump quick enough when told to.
All you can do is be sure never to replicate her behaviour with your own children.

And congratulations on the birth of your son.

You need to break this cycle now. That way she has always treated you, that will be how she treats your child and only you can protect him from growing up feeling like you do right now. She is a toxic person and you cannot change her. You can only change yourself and your reactions to her.

She sounds awful. Cut her off.

Please do give THIS BOOK a go.
Also google FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)
Your mother is a toxic narcissist and you cannot change her.
The fact she now doesn't want a relationship with you is something you need to turn into a positive.
She's abused you all your life. She will do the same to your DS.
She is toxic and brings nothing positive to your life.
Let her have her sulk.
Move on with your new family.
It will be hard. But stop pandering to her and enabling her awful behaviour towards you.
Time for you and your DS now.

Don’t let her suck all the joy out of you

You’re started a new chapter in your life...

Only you can stop her from ruining it.

She's a narcissist.

Everything that NonaGrey said. Expect pushback. Stay consistent.

Try to lean on your DH and on your MIL if she is nice. Many women who have rocky relationships with their own mothers forge close and supportive ones with their MIL. Whether your mum likes it or not, your MIL is an important and permanent person in your family's life. Don't let her spoil that relationship.

Your husband and baby come first now that you have your own family.

Congratulations on your healthy boy! Your mother may be your birth parent but she's obviously not serving a parental role for you and for that I'm sorry. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I wasted a lot of time wishing I had normal parents. It's a vicious cycle to keep looking for that in your parent. I can only advise accept her for who she is and be the best mom you can be for your sweet boy.

Ime it won't improve..
I battled on for a few years then went nc. No regrets.. I remember her being at our house when mil turned up unexpectedly with a box of cream cakes. Dm flounced off and got the bus home - a couple of hours away. She never accepted not being the priority..
Take control op ASAP. Even if that's to tell her to stay away.

Big congratulations on your new baby.

I agree with the narc label. At the moment you are very very vulnerable. Your hormones are off the chart and you are in recovery and bonding mode.

Hold onto that. Ignore her. Concentrate on your baby and when you are stronger, have a look at the stately homes thread and all the other suggestions here.

But firstly you and babu come before anyone. Then your partner. Until then, ignore her.

She's been brutally unfair to you and I'm very sorry that you've gone through this.

My MIL was a bit like this after I gave birth and it's very destructive.

My own DM didn't do the same, but has let me down in similar, comparable ways. I fought for many years to build bridges and make her feel loved, but when I was around the age you are now, I finally gave up trying to stem the damage she does. She has taken this as an abandonment on my part. It is very sad and I am aware that she smears my name within our family because of it. But I ran out of energy. Like you I had a tiny baby and I just couldn't take care of her as well.

I now wait for her to contact me, at special times of year I send cards with all the right messages, I am dutiful to the extent that I put in the minimum visiting / phone call hours expected of me, and I just move the fuck on from everything else. I don't reveal my feelings, hopes, wishes, plans to her, I don't ask her advice and if she tries to tell me I ought to xyz I smile, nod and say "thanks I will keep that in mind!" and never mention it again.

When she starts drama I withdraw, say nothing, move on, never mention it again. Essentially I make our interactions as polite, boring and non committal as possible.

It has taken a few years but it was for the best. She is actually happier on balance, because I've essentially enabled her to have a more peaceful life by removing opportunities for her to start drama that only hurts her in the long run.

It hurts though and I have needed to mourn my DM.

Be strong, be the adult in the situation, and begin to build a life where it is OK for her not to approve of you. You will make it through. xx

I’ve been in a similar position but with my dad. Like someone has mentioned you grieve for the relationship you wanted but not the one you have.
I eventually cut all contact and it did take me a good while to be okay with that but I’m fine now. I actually don’t feel anything for him.

The final nail was when he started his games with my DD, she was 4 so I called him out and ended it all then.

Look after yourself first. You have your own family now that needs to be your priority. Don’t five in about Xmas and she kicks off just let it be, it’s her doing!

Ok so you don't want to go nc however as others have said she will find ways of punishing you through your child either by being loving to the child to the point you think your going mad as she didn't show you the same love or she will just treat your child the same way as she treats you that is toxic and no child should be subject to that
Go very low contact it will be hard but you need to push back have Christmas with your mother in law settle with your new family either she will realise she needs to change or you will realise that you need to look after yourself and your family. You can't keep giving in to her or else you will end up with so much resentment and it will eat in to the good parts of your life I wish you a lot of luck.

I would write a letter but do not send it. It will simply be used by her as more ready made ammunition against you if you do along with a vitriolic list of your own supposed shortcomings. It is just asking therefore fore more trouble. You cannot reason with the unreasonable and unyielding and you should not even try.

I can attest to this.

For example, if she says she has lost you. Then you say, that will never happen no matter how hard you try.

No, No, NO! A thousand times, NO!

Never say something you can't guarantee you will follow through with.

(And I think you should be cutting her out)

You have to put up proper boundaries with her. It's tiring and stressful but you have to show her you mean it. So for example don't feed into her drama. See her regularly but not often. I would get a psychotherapist who understands narcissism. Put yourself first and your little one.

Congratulations on your new baby :) He should be your top focus not you 'mother' - I know you said you don't want to go no contact, but do you really want this person having any contact or influence over your son? She even ruined your first few hours of parenthood! That is unforgivable.