Mother using excuses to terminate our relationship

[expectantmummy87]

Hey guys!

Bit of a long one here.....!! Only start to read if you have a cup of tea in hand and a few minutes on the sofa.

I need some moral support. I am 31, have a little baby boy and my Mum has serious depression. The thing is, she maintains that I have caused her depression and my actions have hurt her so badly that she can no longer have a relationship with me.

Over the years, we have really struggled with our relationship. It's very much a parent-child relationship rather than two adults have their own different opinions, life choices and relationships and respecting them. It's very much 'do it my way or I will punish you'. I'm such a patient person and I've always tried to do the 'right' thing for my Mum, but no matter what I do, she is unhappy. She is unhappy in herself, she is unhappy in her life and she is unhappy with me.

A few weeks back I gave birth to my first child. It was the most profound, beautiful and wonderful day of my life but she made sure that the day became about her and her feelings. She was unhappy with how long my partner took to come out of the unit to let them know how things were going, despite the fact that he had run out straight after his baby was born to tell them. She left in a rage and came back the next morning only after I begged her to come and see her grandson. She sat next to me on the ward, berating me for my actions and telling me she would 'never forgive' my partner for being so selfish. The midwife came in to make sure I was ok as I sat there, holding my new baby, in tears as my Mum continued to 'have a go' at me.

There are many other incidents like this...but the most latest has been about Christmas. As our families only live half an hour apart, we thought we could split the day and suggested this. This wasn't ok with my Mum and she told me not to come home, to give my key back and to spend the day with my 'new family'. She told me that she is 'suffering the loss of her daughter to another woman' simply because I choose to have a relationship with my mother-in-law. I don't want to stop speaking to my mother-in-law just because my own Mum has issues with her; I'm not a child and neither is she. This isn't a playground. This is adult life. I can't help her by coming down to her level, I have to stay positive and happy for my own wellbeing. Two angry people can't help each other.

This has been going on for 31 years. I could write so many stories. I have been so patient with my Mum. I have tried to do everything I can to please her, to be a 'good' daughter, to keep the peace. But now this is starting to get serious. I have a son, he has a father and his father has a family. And that's usually the way it works when two people have a baby. My Mum wants to come first, no matter what. I love her; so what do I do? I am tired of these games.

I know most of you will say cut her out of my life, which might be best. I feel as though she is using excuses to terminate our relationship and put the blame onto me. I also feel like she wants me to start fighting with my mother-in-law. But that's just not me. I respect everyones opinions - everyone is entitled to one and everyone has them and that's ok!!

Thank you for reading, I just needed to vent a little. I'm terrified of my Mum and I wondered if anyone else here has the same issues.

x x x x

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for all of your replies and support. It’s great to hear about people who have had similar experiences (obviously not great that they happened, but great not to be alone in how I have been bought up).

I really think there may be some sort of personality disorder happening here. I’ve been reading a lot about it and I have a friend with BPD and the traits really line up. It’s sort of an inability to see anything from anyone else’s point of view and the tendency to blow up over the smallest benign action.

I remember starting to have the same traits into my adulthood but luckily had the ability to see how destructive my actions were on my own life. I lost friendships and put too much pressure on boyfriends to act a certain way.

So I’ve read that with BPD you need to listen, stay calm, make their points valued in order to deesculate their rage. I can do this, just about. But what about my partner? He is really struggling, he’s never been treated like this before and doesn’t understand why I don’t just stand up to her. My MIL is asking me the same although she has been patient.

It’s an illness that you can’t see and I do love my Mum. I want to help but I want to take care of my little family too. Is this too much to expect?

I try to please everyone and everyone ends up thinking I’m evil! It’s bizzare.

First person to look after in life is YOU.

Your dp and children come next.

After that comes people who ALSO treat you with love and respect.

As your mother has made her feelings very clear, she should be very far down that list. She holds you in little regard, so you should do likewise.

My understanding of BDP is that it usually gets better or dies down around middle age.

She may just be doing this because it works as a way of getting what she wants.

With BPD the person needs to want to combat its excesses. Otherwise its uncontrolled.

You can't really have a relationship with her as she is now. I very much doubt you haven't tried being calm and rational before. You can't keep spinning on this hamster wheel, hoping the perfect combination of words in your answer will unlock some magic prize. It will always be withheld, no matter what your actions or words are.

You need some firm lines that she can't cross. Be consistent.
"Sorry you feel like this but this is how it's happening...."

How she reacts is her choice. You can't change her reactions. You can only affect your own behaviour. Behave reasonably yourself and only accept reasonable back on important issues. Gently laugh at her less important reactions and let them wash over you.

This is not about her/you anymore. You have your own family now. Letting her get away with batshit behaviour has greater ramifications.

You can't change the situation. You can only change how you react to it. You need to disengage. Easier said than done. Protect yourself and your own feelings. Hers are for her to deal with.

Within your means, find someone outside of the family to help you work through this.

When we have our own children we see our own childhood through a different lense. You have already identified some tendencies in your own life it would be a good idea to give yourself as many tolls and defences as you can to break the cycle and move forward with the strongest foundations for your own family.

BPD is an illness but one which people can and do control. Self analysis and working hough your own issues are a very important part of this. You cannot do this for your mother. You can stand firm, tell you mother you love her and that you are here for her but you will not put your son in an environment which is emotionally damaging. Tell her that you will support her and come to family therapy if she wants to work through this together.

I understand OP because I have one who is a bit like this. She ruined my wedding day with a screaming fit at me while I was trying to get into my wedding dress. She couldn’t even hold it in on the one day that’s not about her. She’s very hard work. Can’t contain or damp down any of her emotions. The knock on is that itsvery tricky for me to understand normal emotions. I’ve lived with toxic drama for so long. I strongly suggest counselling for you to help support you in this. Nobody with a normal family can understand and it’s pointless talking to friends with normal families because they just can’t provide understanding or support. As a result I’ve always sought relationships with emotionally distant men as a response to the heightened drama. It’s all very tricky and complicated. Get support for yourself in finding ways to disengage. My counsellor told me that I have to “renegotiate the contract” with my mother which I’m trying to do. It’s about managing her expectations but it’s all a tricky balancing act and it’s taken a long time to get to this point. The hardest part is the loneliness that comes from never being able to have a proper/close mother/daughter relationship. I often feel bereft at that.

You can only renegotiate a contract as long as both parties adhere to it.

When you find that you have negotiated the contract, yet the other keeps changing the terms, you will need to accept that that is not an option.

Been there, given up, brother still trying 10 years later.

Hi OP. You are describing my experience of my mother when I had my first child - also at 31. Fast forward 14 years, I am now 45, have two more children and haven't had any contact with my mother for six years. Like you, I tried everything to pacify and please her. She also hated my mother in law, who I am now very close to and who has been a rock of support for me over the years. Eventually I just couldn't take any more of my mother's abuse.

All three of my siblings are very low contact with her and have, at times, been no contact.

I also suspect borderline personality disorder.

It is her, not you. Crucially, there is NOTHING you can do to change her and the way she treats you.

No-one should be ‘terrified’ of their mum. Give her back her key, as she asked, and stop trying to fix her; you can’t.

I think you will have your eyes opened by reading this subreddit, raised by narcissists.

Fuck the link broke sorry.

Raised by narcissists.

You cannot please everyone - especially when one of them is as demanding and unreasonable as your dm.

You realise that you cannot continue to put her needs and wishes first all the time, because that will destroy your relationship with anyone else.

Could you write to her explaining your position, and asking her to get treatment and/or counselling?

'Dear Mum, I love you, but your behaviour is terrifying and extremely self centred. I have a child and husband now and our wishes and needs have to take priority now, and you refuse to accept this. I am no longer willing to accept tantrums and rages from you as a result of everything we do. You need to get medical help or counselling to help you understand this and to allow us to have a loving adult to adult relationship in future'.

If I wasn't certain that I'm an only child then I would be convinced you were my sister! Sounds exactly like my DM. She's been depressed all her life bit would never acknowledge it or seek treatment.

Totally self-obsessed and insecure. Everything is a crisis and it's all about her. Even when I was going through something massive myself like marriage or having a baby. All about her, always. She's the last person I'd go to in a crisis because, and I've realised this now, she simply doesn't care about me.

We're NC. Hard at first but it gets easier.

And ironically I've learned how to be a good mother to my DC by learning from her shitty parenting and doing the opposite. DC (20 & 14) and I are super close.

Agree the Stately Homes would benefit you, you're most definitely not alone . I think we all feel it more this time of year too.

Congrats on your new little bundle, try and push her out of your mind and enjoy these precious early times with him.

I understand OP. My mother was horribly jealous if I wanted to see other women more than her - my aunt, her friends, my boyfriend's mum. I learnt that I had to say a negative thing about them right after anything positive or she'd get into a right sulk and brood over it for days. Shamefully, when she died I was slightly relieved that I'd never have to guide my kids through/past her shit.

You have been trained to please her and it feels terribly wrong not to, but you have to push past that. Sending sympathy and hugs oh and congratulations on your new baby!!

Don't be terrified. The only thing she can actually now do to you is complain, you do not have to listen.

Nothing you ever do will be good enough.

Do the best you can manage, whilst retaining your own mental health. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and if that doesn't work, distance!

If she say she has lost her daughter then start agreeing. Her behaviour is the cause.

The day I went NC with mine after similarly being blamed for her depression and everything else that happened she made me an ultimatum and I took it and I have held her to that ultimatum ever since.

The relief in not having to deal with her or walking on egg shells watching every word you speak or every action or facial expression is ecstasy.

I know you don’t want to go NC but very very LC initially to see what it is like knowing you don’t have to deal with her might make you feel that putting a more permanent barrier between you is the way to go.

It helped that I moved 180 miles changed my name and didn’t tell her anything

If you cannot go no contact (at this point) which is to physically disconnect, then please emotionally disconnect. Do as described up thread- noncommittal answers, very short sentences. Only tell her of things you have done after the fact, never tell her your upcoming plans. (You have to check your schedule, your partner has made plans, you feel a d/v bug coming on).

On your next pregnancy you can absolutely lie and tell her the due date is 2 or 3 weeks beyond the actual date ( oops the little angel came early). Do not let her ruin another birth experience. She has proven she just can’t handle it.

Emotionally disconnecting is a defense mechanism as a response to her behavior. This is well within your rights (as no contact is as well-a response to her behavior). No guilt for you here. No shame for you here. Her verbal spankings are nothing but wiggles of sound waves floating aimlessly past you.

She is an emotional vampire. The only way she will move on to another target is if you remove yourself. And definitely yes, the Family Duty card can be entirely punched out. You can not forever be a continuously renewable resource for her emotional/ego/narcissistic/(?) supply.

Enough is enough. If you can see this and act on it at 31 you are well ahead of most-it usually hits at around 45: you just are not going to take that shit off of people anymore.

You describe yourself as very patient. I am too. But. This patience, mine anyway, was really a foundation of emotional numbness. That stabbed in the heart feeling can only be tolerated so much-then one just doesn’t feel anymore. Please don’t accept that. It will impact your dc. They need to know, understand, and be able to cope with the full range of emotions so they can grow up emotionally healthy with social intelligence.

Your mother dumping you is a blessing in disguise. Embrace it. Don’t look back. Have the best Christmas ever!

Actually, say you take her at her word and believe that you caused her depression...then remove yourself and let her deal with her own mental health. When she has no-one to blame, what will she do?

It's like being ask to chase shadows, you can't live in her head, you can't fix it or change yourself for each iteration of the issue.

You're basically describing my mother. She has bpd. I've been nc for 12 years now. I just couldn't take it any more and the break came when she turned her sights on my children. Absolutely no way were they going to bear what I did growing up. It's not until you stop walking on eggshells that you realise how draining and how totally fucked up it is.
You can't fix her, op. It's not your fault. All you can do is keep trying to fire fight or make the break to protect your family. It won't change, she'll just get more inventive.

I've a father and sister with BPD and I suspect my mother is on the ASD spectrum. They have chaotic relationships with everyone. The only advice I can give is let go or be dragged - detach with live and don't blame yourself. The other thing I would point out is that having your own child changes things. It made me realise that their behaviour was totally unacceptable.

Congrats on your little one. You'll be a great Mum 👶

Sorry, that should read detach with love.

AndTheBandPlayedOn is totally right. It hit me at 45! By that stage I'd put in boundaries and they all stormed out of my house. NC now. Silly people.

It’s very likely that if you don’t cut her off she’ll transfer her shitty attitude to your child. Most abusive parents do. Keeping in contact with her is no longer teneble and neither is warning of it in advance. You just need to ghost her.

When I told my M at the age of 40 that I would be spending my first ever Xmas day away from her, with my boyfriend she harrumphed and said
'Well I suppose I don't come first anymore.'

It was like an epiphany and a lightbulb moment. I thought no, you're right, I bleddy well come first now.
OP this is a blessing in disguise for you. Your M has made her decision, your life can only be easier without her in it making you miserable.

OP I am so sorry...just a quick question to you..Do you want this for your lovely new baby?Not an ideal enviroment for a baby to thrive in.You have done your best forever maybe just maybe for your own sanity and your baby you need to let go.You have tried so many times to change this and i am afraid you cannot.You need to put you your partner and your baby first now..please please do.Enough is enough and however hard you try it will get worse.You deserve so much more that your mum can give you...As hard as it is maybe it is time to say goodbye,move forward and create the best possible life for you and your own family..I wish you well.