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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me cancel this date!

57 replies

Bestwestpest · 17/12/2018 09:44

I broke up with my ex a year ago - he was a horrible, abusive man and it felt very raw for some months. I've been chatting on and off to a man who seems lovely, but I've always refused a date to as I wasn't ready. I now thought I was, and we arranged a date for tonight. But today my self preservation has kicked in and I absolutely do not want to go. I've hardly slept last night with worry and I know I have to cancel. How do I do it whilst being nice and without bringing up the drama of my past relationship?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 10:10

Are you sure you really want to cancel? A year is a longtime, you should bite the bullet and go imo. Sounds like it's become a "thing" now

Musti · 17/12/2018 10:10

Just tell him that you thought you were ready to start dating but have realised that you're not. That you're sorry and that you hope he has a nice Christmas etc. Is it someone you would like to continue messaging?

ghostlygal · 17/12/2018 10:11

Could you be honest and just say you thought you were ready and now that it's come it you're not.

I joined tinder and was asked on a date and it dawned on me that
It wasn't the right time so I was honest about it and the guy appreciated my honestly.

It's better than leading someone on right?

Racmactac · 17/12/2018 10:11

Just go and have dinner or whatever - stop overthinking it.
It doesn't mean you are entering into a relationship.

MissTook · 17/12/2018 10:15

I know what it's like, Op, the nerves set in and you can't face it but
honestly it won't be as bad as you think. The sleepless night is the worst of it over now.
I'd just go to this one if only to break your duck.

Original poster
Bestwestpest · 17/12/2018 10:24

MissTook that's a good point, damn you! Grin Maybe I should go and only think about it as this one date, rather than imagining the messy divorce years down the line 😂 I actually hate that I'm like this now. Before my ex I used to get that lovely fluttery nervous excitement about dates, now I just feel sick with worry and anxiety. I'll try and go, but I very well may bottle it! Blush

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 10:30

You'll be fine, deep breathes and a big glass of wine before you go! (unless you're driving of course :p )

hellsbellsmelons · 17/12/2018 10:52

Go along - You've nothing to lose.
Have you had some therapy since your last relationship.
Did you get some proper DV support?

VixenSixen · 17/12/2018 10:58

Go on the date.... Set yourself a time limit and have an excuse for if you want to leave after an hour. This will take an enormous amount of pressure off you I promise. 🙂

It can be hard getting back to it after a while but you have to start somewhere....

Where are you planning to meet?

MissTook · 17/12/2018 11:38

We're rooting for you - you've got this. Smile

JustWhatINeededNow · 17/12/2018 11:40

Oh honestly go! What's the worst that could happen?

The best thing I did after my divorce was day yes to new things.

As pp said it's necessary to break the current place you're in.

CupsAndPentacles · 17/12/2018 11:45

you could say (and I've been in an abusive relationship myself, 11 years ago, so I get it) ''I've realised my heart isn't in the date as much as I like you so I should cancel to be fair to you''. I've sent that exact text. HOWEVER........ it's all practice. If he tries to rush you NOTICE it. Be aware of who's controlling the pace. Notice how you feel.

After an abusive relationship I found myself filling in silence with imagined anger because that's what my x would have done. Went on a date wth a man who got clamped once and I was waiting for him to take his anger out on me, I was on tenterhooks, but he didn't! Even the other day a lovely man (not sure what's going on - yet) texted me to make sure I'd got home ok, then texted me again. Then tried to ring. I saw all of this in the morning and for a split second I felt that I'd have angered him but of course I hadn't. So it takes time to re-programme yourself after an abusive relationship. I'd go on the date but give yourself the ''disclaimer'' you feel you need by announcing as you sit down ''i'm not ready for this but ok, it's Christmas and I'm ready for company'' or something like that.

CupsAndPentacles · 17/12/2018 11:47

@bestwestpest, didn't rita rudner crack this joke Grin what would this man be like to divorce?? To be honest, I would have known my xh would have fought me to the end!

Babymammy · 17/12/2018 11:47

I'd go, it's only a date.
See how it goes and if u still aren't feeling it then I'd cool it off and not go out with him again.

Handbag101 · 17/12/2018 11:56

Please go. It might be the best thing you ever do. Go for it.

Ellisandra · 17/12/2018 12:16

I also think you should go.
What have you got planned?

pissedonatrain · 17/12/2018 12:23

I agree you should go. Just look at it as meeting a new friend and it'd be nice to get out.

Handbag101 · 17/12/2018 12:31

We can help plan your outfit for you if you like. Make it more fun.

Brakebackcyclebot · 17/12/2018 13:21

Maybe I should go and only think about it as this one date, rather than imagining the messy divorce years down the line

You are catastrophising the relationship before it has even become a relationship because of your past experience. Once you notice yourself doing this, talk yourself down - it's an evening out, with a man you like enough to spend a couple of hours with. It doesn't need to be anything more.

Are you giving this man a fair chance? By catastrophising what might happen (and let's face it, most of what we worry about never happens), you are allowing your previous relationship to maintain power over your thought patterns and therefore your future. Please don't give it this power!

Take power back for yourself. Remember who you were before, remember the butterflies. Breath deeply to be calm.

What's the worst that could happen? You don't like him and you don't see him again? What's the best that could happen? He's fabulous and you have a great time. Which would you prefer to focus on?!

Original poster
Bestwestpest · 17/12/2018 13:56

Thank you all so much for your replies! However, I completely talked myself out of going and text him to let him know with an explanation. I expected a snotty response but he called me and was lovely, saying he completely understands if I don't want to go but he'd really like to meet, no pressure, suggested no alcohol, and if I want to leave at any time he won't need told twice. So I'm getting ready now 😬😬 we live 30ish miles apart so we're meeting in a town in between getting some food etc. Still so nervous but so much the better after speaking to him, him reaction was perfect!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bestwestpest · 17/12/2018 13:58

To answer a PP, no I haven't had therapy since the split with my ex, but very possibly something I should look into.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/12/2018 14:00

He sounds really nice OP, good luck with it

Ellisandra · 17/12/2018 14:00

That sounds promising 👍🏻
Hope you enjoy it!
And if he isn’t for you, it’s great to get over the first hurdle of meeting up, so you know you can do it again. Good luck!

sar302 · 17/12/2018 14:02

Best way to get over someone old, is to get under someone new ;)

I hope you enjoy yourself - he sounds like a nice guy

Handbag101 · 17/12/2018 14:14

Yay! So pleased for you. Update us when you can.