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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

first date nerves

28 replies

crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 20:07

I recently posted about how awful OLD is but I;ve actually ended up with a date (after I deleted the app!). Anyway, I am already sick with nerves and its not until Tuesday. I know its normal to be nervous but I've not been on a 'date' with anyone in many many years. I have so many ridiculous anxieties about it. I worry about walking into the pub and having to look around for him. I worry about not actually recognising him. I worry if I get there early to avoid looking for him, he will do the same and we will both be really early and look stupid. I worry I will take one look and think "what the hell have I done". I worry that I don't drive and have a drink but he's not drinking and I look like some sort of lush.
I mean, you get my drift.... I have 3 days of this torment to go.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/12/2018 20:12

2 days Grin

You have your phone to look at if you're early.
You could arrange to text when you're there so he can meet you outside and walk in together.
No-one is going to make you stay if you don't like the look of him or you're not having a good time.
The worst that can happen is you have a bad date and it'll be a story to tell your mates and laugh about.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 20:14

You see, I'm so stressed I can't even count the days properly!

OP posts:
GrannyHaddock · 16/12/2018 20:24

Relax, he's likely to be anxious too. Arrive close to time, text him when you get there so he can tell you where he is. You can choose a non-alcohol drink. Good luck; and tell us how it went.

wishywashy6 · 16/12/2018 20:25

What's the worst that can actually happen?? If it's terrible and embarrassing it just becomes a funny story to tell, it's only as a big a deal as you make it out to be.
Of course it's normal to be nervous but it's also meant to be fun, so relax and enjoy yourself.
Don't worry about the drinking thing either, just know your limits and stay safe.
My BF isn't a massive drinker so he drove on our first date (we met on OLD) and I sank a bottle of wine and a cocktail 🤷🏼‍♀️
Stop stressing over what he might think of you and be yourself. If he doesn't like it, that's no reflection on you but chances are it'll all be fine and he's probably just as nervous as you are Smile

Trills · 16/12/2018 20:29

If you chat for a bit and you feel that you don't want to chat any more it is absolutely OK to finish your drink and then say "nice meeting you, I don't think this is going to work, good luck".

If you think he considers you "a lush" for having a drink on a date, you should definitely just abandon the date.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 20:40

Thank you!! Actually, I think I will text him when I'm walking from the bus stop to see if he's there yet so that might help me feel calmer about walking in. Or would that be weird??
I'm, going to have one drink to calm my nerves before I go but I'll be really careful what I drink. I can't be too late as my friend is babysitting so this is a good excuse to leave early if I need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 20:41

@Trills I'm sure he won't think that, its just my mind stressing about ridiculous stuff.

OP posts:
BlokeHereInPeace · 16/12/2018 22:10

Text to say you will be there in 5 mins, is he there and where is he sitting. That's normal. Tell him you are nervous. That's fine. If you aren't having fun, just be nice, and say that you have to be getting back home. If you are having fun, and we hope you do, well, good!

Youmatter · 17/12/2018 00:16

Aw this is great for you wether it works or not.

You’re doing this for yourself.

Imagine sitting in the bar and seeing someone come in and look around, and then another do the same. You see they finally reach eachother, have a giggle and sit down.

It’s not embarrassing, you wouldn’t watch it and think it’s embarrassing, you may even feel a little jealous of their nervous excitement.

You are going to feel great, look great and it’s going to be lovely.

If you have time to kill or whatever pop on here and get whatever’s in your head out.

He will absolutely not think anything of you for having a drink.. in a bar on a date.

WingingItStill · 17/12/2018 08:34

Good luck OP, you’ll be fine. A couple of weeks ago, I had a first date with a guy I wasn’t even sure I wanted to meet, now we are seeing each other pretty much every day & he is lovely!!

Come back & tell us how you get on.

lifebeginz · 17/12/2018 08:59

It is normal to be nervous. I remember my first date with the now OH only 5 months ago. I was so nervous! I text him as I arrived first then I just waited in the car park for him to arrive and we went in together. I stressed and stressed over what to wear, what would we talk about etc (I had had a couple of not so great dates - all learning experience) anyway the conversation just flowed and we laughed and laughed! Now you would think we have been together for years the way we are! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and if it doesn't everyone is an adult and it is ok to say you just don't feel it is going to go anywhere etc and leave it at that! As a pp said don't worry about having a drink just stay safe and relax. He will be nervous too use it as an ice breaker!

user14869556378 · 17/12/2018 09:10

My tip for dates is to plan conversation starters before hand, so if there's ever an awkward silence you are on guard to keep conversation flowing. I think as long as the conversation flows it's a good date regardless if there are no feelings or don't see each other again.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 17/12/2018 09:11

Are you prone to excessive worrying about other things too? Have you ever been assessed/treated for generalised anxiety disorder? Just some of the things you said in your post really jumped out and screamed untreated GAD to me. Beyond this specific date, if you do have GAD and have never been treated it could be making your life very difficult and miserable indeed.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 17/12/2018 22:29

Thanks all. I’ve been a bit calmer today although I expect to be mega nervous tomorrow.
@VietnameseCrispyFish no I’m not normally anxious at all. This is my first date in about 18 years!! The only other time I’ve bedn anxious like this was when having to stand up and talk in front of a room full of people. I’d say they were normal situations to stress over.
I will definitely come back and let you know how it goes!

OP posts:
DBN1 · 17/12/2018 22:48

Good luck tomorrow.

Just remember that you're amazing and he's lucky enough to be meeting you! Flowers

YankOnTheShelf · 17/12/2018 22:51

And remember that he'll be nervous too. Just be open about it. It's something you'll have in common. Smile.

Good luck, I'm hoping he's a keeper!

iceberger · 17/12/2018 22:56

Hello!
I've been on lots of O.L.Ds.
The person you're meeting will always be looking around for you & you will normally spot the one person sitting staring at the door (and they will be doing it nervously) first!
Sometimes I get there early though and that can be better being there when they walk in. The anxiety never goes away but it's healthy and I hope you have a great time!

Youmatter · 18/12/2018 10:37

Can’t wait for all the goss

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/12/2018 12:02

Thanks so much to everyone. Its really helped calm me. He's been in touch today too just checking I'm still ok for later (I half expected a cancellation as this has happened before). He seems like a decent guy.
I'm still feeling nervous but calmer than I expected. I'll probably be a lot worse later though, Thankfully my friend is babysitting so she will be here to help me get ready and give me the pep talk.
I just read the other thread 'help me cancel this date' which has also given me positive vibes.

OP posts:
Youmatter · 18/12/2018 12:07

Good!

You deserve this! I’m glad he checked in he’s obviously looking forward to it☺️

DBN1 · 18/12/2018 12:19

Oh that's a good sign Smile Have a fab' time (and please report back! Grin)

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/12/2018 23:32

So just to report back. I got there a bit early so text him and he arrived about 5 mins later. That helped with the nerves. He was a lovely guy and the conversation flowed all night but there just wasn’t that spark. He also doesn’t have a steady/regular job which put me off. I’m not materialistic but they last guy I was seeing didn’t work either and I got sick of him never having money and I just couldn’t be bothered with that again.
Had a nice night though. Thanks all for the votes of confidence x

OP posts:
category12 · 18/12/2018 23:38

Glad you had a nice time. You did it! Grin

Youmatter · 18/12/2018 23:57

YOU DID ITTTT!

Who cares if it’s not the greatest romance story you put yourself out there and didn’t settle for less then you deserve

wishywashy6 · 19/12/2018 08:03

*YOU DID ITTTT!

Who cares if it’s not the greatest romance story you put yourself out there and didn’t settle for less then you deserve*

☝🏼this ☺️
Well done!!