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Original poster

Casual rasism? Should I end things?

31 replies

Loloseagreen · 16/12/2018 16:46

My partner is generally pretty negative but suffers from anxiety and depression so I cut her some slack. She really loves me and i accept we are just very differnt. However last year we moved to an area with a lot of polish immigrants and she has made frequent derogatory comments about polish people. My family came from Poland during the 2nd world war so I although i don't seem polish but I take
my heritage seriously. She cant even pronounce my polish name ! We've been in a relationship for almost 3 years now and she thinks I haven't introduced her to my family because she is female (as am i) but actually it's because of her anti Easter European views. She is so negative about everything I've sort of swept it under the carpet but it's really starting to bother me. I have 2 children 8 & 10 and I want them to be proud of their heritage. I'm sure she'd be horrified if I told her all this as she thinks she is really liberal but she's not. i feel at real tipping point and dont kmow what to do. If we break up I'm pretty much on my own as my family live far away. I don't know I am over retracting?

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 16/12/2018 16:50

You are not overreacting — casual racism is not fixable in an adult even if she doesn’t say anything you know she’ll be thinking it. Break up with her and make a resolution to look for a better girlfriend next year.

Finfintytint · 16/12/2018 16:52

That would annoy me too. You need to have an honest discussion with her about how offensive her comments are take it from there. Call her out when she makes negative comments “what do you mean by that?”

ViragoKnows · 16/12/2018 16:54

Do you want to be in a relationship with a racist?!

That’s got to be one of the big, obvious ‘noes’. Especially as it’s your own heritage she’s being bigoted anout. Especially^ as you're raising children.

I am curious as to why you've never chalenged her in three years of this, though.

Sethos · 16/12/2018 16:54

Why have you not challenged her when she makes these remarks? Three years seems a really long time to put up with someone being insulting about your ethnic group without pulling them up on it.

What sort of things is she saying? Have your children heard her make these remarks?

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/12/2018 16:55

Hiiiii!! I’m Polish too Grin
It would be a total deal breaker for me I’m afraid.
Casual racism is usually deeply ingrained in a person through their upbringing and often can’t be stamped out Hmm That’s not an excuse for it at all, it’s just that a lot of people don’t think they are being racist unless skin colour is involved, which is ridiculous and ignorant.
I was subjected to hideous bullying at high school because of my heritage, and because I’m white, it was never taken seriously as racism by my school Hmm

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/12/2018 16:56

And you’ve been together 3 years and she can’t pronoucne your surname? Confused Wtf is up with that?!

LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2018 16:57

No you aren’t over reacting.

She knows you’re Polish, yet makes racist comments about Polish people? She is not only racist but also hurtful to you, someone she’s supposed to love and care about.

Vitalogy · 16/12/2018 17:00

The first time she said anything would have been the time to say how hurtful these comments are. Anyway tell her ASAP, then depending on whether she realises her error or not, you'll know how to move forward. With or without her.

Original poster
Loloseagreen · 16/12/2018 17:06

I have challenged her but I don't think she takes it seriously. Thank you so much for your support though I will have a proper talk to her. It's my christian name she can't pronounce which is even worse!

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 16/12/2018 17:17

It's ridiculous. I wouldn't put up with it. She can pronounce your name correctly. She just doesn't want to.

My stbxh is a casual racist towards my country and I told him that it bothered me. He pretends to be this SJW defender of minorities etc., but doesn't hesitate to slag off my culture and country.

mimibunz · 16/12/2018 17:18

She sounds quite insensitive and not a very nice person.

silkpyjamasallday · 16/12/2018 17:19

I would not want to be in any form of relationship with someone racist. I can't believe you've stayed after she had repeatedly shown you she is a racist, and her venom seems focused on people from your own heritage. There is no excuse for her behaviour at all, and I cannot believe you haven't called her out on it after three years. Her attitude could be so so harmful to your DCs self esteem, you have to leave her for their sakes in my opinion.

Soontobe60 · 16/12/2018 17:19

I'm very English. This behaviour would be a total deal breaker though! There's no place for racists in my life.

MsPavlichenko · 16/12/2018 17:20

Yes.

MyBreadIsEggy · 16/12/2018 17:23

The fuck?!
She can’t pronounce your first name?! What does she call you?!
I’d be having a very serious conversation about the whole thing.
If she brushes you off, or refuses to stop with the remarks, then it would be a big, fat Pierdolę cię from me Hmm

LadyWithLapdog · 16/12/2018 17:24

Anxiety and depression doesn’t make you racist. You say she’s quite negative, that’s one thing, but casually racist is just not on.

Original poster
Loloseagreen · 16/12/2018 17:46

Ladywithlapdog- I know I think I let her off a lot because of her mental health issues but it really bugs me, she us from quiet a working class background and very (rightly ) proud of this but very critical of my middle class academic background.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 16/12/2018 17:47

Unless she has a speech impediment, she can make the effort to say your name properly, you’ve been together three years and she still can’t be bothered?

She doesn’t sound very nice at all.

Original poster
Loloseagreen · 16/12/2018 17:59

It's hard. When you start dating no one owns up to being a tiny bit racist, but by the time it comes out (and obviously it's not the only thing, it's one of many little niggles ) you've already invested into the relationship and dont want to throw it away.

OP posts:
ViragoKnows · 16/12/2018 18:00

But it's costing you the opportunity to meet someone nicer.

Hmmingbird · 16/12/2018 18:05

Also polish heritage from WW2 here. Not acceptable in my eyes, I couldn't let this go. Racism is never acceptable, in any form.

Original poster
Loloseagreen · 16/12/2018 18:35

Thank you for your comments. Just feel so dissapointed in her. I thought we could become a team x

OP posts:
MyBreadIsEggy · 16/12/2018 19:16

Think of it this way OP, do you want your kids subjected to racist remarks in their own home? Because that’s what it comes down to really. My kids are mixed heritage - Polish from me, and my DH is Thai. I’ve removed certain family memebers from our lives as they can’t seem to get over the fact that my husband is Asian Hmm

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 19:22

I think you should speak and maybe she’ll be open to being educated that casual racism and broad generalisation is not ok

TatianaLarina · 16/12/2018 19:54

You can’t be a team with a racist who despises your background.

Get rid of her for the sake of your kids.

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