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Original poster

DP and female friend

37 replies

Cherryblossom2019 · 16/12/2018 14:31

I think I might be being unreasonable here but I'm not sure.

I've been seeing DP for about 6 months. 4 of those were long distance. He has been by his own admission very into the relationship from the beginning, said I love you very quickly and I have been more reticent and hung back - partly because I had just come out of a very long term relationship and still processing that (I loved my ex partner very much and it didn't end on bad terms and I still mourn the loss of it) and partly because I felt DP's actions weren't always in line with what he said.

Anyway things have been going ok but I can't shake this nagging insecurity I have with him and I don't know if it's just me being silly or not. He used to be a bit wild and has taken drugs in the past. He also has three very close long term female friends. He told me very early on he'd slept with one of them once, had wanted a relationship with her but she turned him down. This was several years ago and they are now apparently just good friends and she is good friends with the other two female friends. I don't think they know about this. I've met her twice and she's always nice and friendly but I don't know it sort of unnerves me a bit - also because he says they enjoy going out and taking drugs together.

I have never taken drugs and have told him I'm not happy with him doing it and he's said he would stop. He doesn't take it that often anymore now to be fair. He often says he loves the fact Im different to all the rest, he loves my nerdyness and that Im his ticket out of that way of life. I can't help thinking he'll just end up finding me very Boring.

Last week we went to a party and I got very very drunk. Had to go back to his and sleep it off. I was looking at his phone this morning and saw he'd told this friend this that night and invited her round to do a line but she said no. It's made me feel a bit sad. But I'm not sure why.

I know I do feel insecure with him and I don't know why. I never felt this way with my ex partner. He also had a long term girlfriend which ended about 7 years ago. He said for years he missed her terribly and tried to date girls who were similar to her. I'm nothing like her but again I don't know why I always feel like I might be second best.

He does always reassure me that he wants to be with me but I don't know why I don't really seem to believe him. I don't know if it's because I'm being unreasonable or if I'm picking up vibes off him or if it's because I'm not over my last relationship.

Im not sure what's going on here with my own feelings and feel like maybe I need some outside perspective.

OP posts:
tissuesosoft · 16/12/2018 14:34

I think you should take his friend out of the equation- she hasn’t done anything wrong. If you don’t trust your partner 6 months in then where is it going to go?

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 14:37

Are you serious?

Loopytiles · 16/12/2018 14:38

Run for the hills!

Loads of red flags here about him, even setting aside his behaviour over the “friend”.

Much too intense very early; saying you’re “different”; drug taking. You feel insecure.

Expect your loser filter is awry, perhaps partly due to your sad break up with your ex.

NotTheFordType · 16/12/2018 14:38

"Ive been seeing this bloke for 8m, should I trust him"

UM NO

Original poster
Cherryblossom2019 · 16/12/2018 14:41

I suppose I just don't know whether my feelings of trust are his fault. He hasn't really given me anything to distrust if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 16/12/2018 14:49

What do you mean by drugs, cocaine I presume?

How often is he taking it? Coke is the only recreational drug I'd have an issue with my partner taking regularly, just because it's makes people into such tedious wankers and I hate the whole industry and the energy around it.

Original poster
Cherryblossom2019 · 16/12/2018 14:50

Coke yes and MDMA

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 14:51

Do you remember when you were young and you'd daydream about the man you'd grow to love?

Did you daydream he'd be into drugs and would invite old fuck buddies to his house while you were asleep so that he could do a line with her?

Bananalanacake · 16/12/2018 14:59

Don't waste your time on a man who does drugs. They are so not worth it.

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 15:00

You sound very insecure and almost vulnerable.. just want a cosy little life where you feel loved and I think it’s sweet.

I know it’s this time of year and you don’t want to be alone but I think this will keep happening to you.

I think you like the idea of ‘saving’ him. The one to ‘fix’ him. You aren’t that, he’s going behind your back.

Ask yourself why he isn’t best friends with the same sex? He sounds like an emotional drain and us females tolerste that more.

It’s not that he’s got some bad habits that annoy you around the house. He does drugs. What sort of life is that?

HallowTalk is 100% here. Did you dream of falling for a part time junkie? Now stop romanticising the idea of being his hero, the one to change him because when he’s not taking he’s perfect.. and put yourself first.

He’s a wanker.

Loopytiles · 16/12/2018 15:03

The red flags I have listed mean trusting him wouldn’t be well justified.

If you can’t see that suggest a break from dating.

Straycatblue · 16/12/2018 15:32

HollowTalk
Do you remember when you were young and you'd daydream about the man you'd grow to love?
Did you daydream he'd be into drugs and would invite old fuck buddies to his house while you were asleep so that he could do a line with her?

This ^ Is this what you really want for your life?

Being worried about him being friends with the woman is just a red herring and you are focusing on the wrong thing, the bigger picture is that you have entered into a co-dependent relationship where he even says he wants you to rescue him from his drug taking. It is an unhealthy relationship and its not going to be like a romantic movie where the nerdy girl tames the bad boy and they live happily ever after.

I say this kindly, I think you need to work on your self esteem and self worth.
Will ending it with him be painful, of course it will but you will heal and you can work on yourself to allow you to chose relationships that will be healthy for you.

Imagine yourself another 6 months down the line if you stay with him. Will you be the person you always hoped you would be ?

SandyY2K · 16/12/2018 15:35

The drugs would be more than enough reason to end this. It's not my thing and the kind of person who does coke isn't compatible with me.

Hidingtonothing · 16/12/2018 16:04

I haven't been in your exact situation OP but I have been in a relationship with someone who talked about his ex's in such a way that made me feel insecure/second best. Looking back it was entirely deliberate on his part, he wanted me to be insecure and jealous and quite firmly on the back foot, I think it was a power trip for him.

I could be completely wrong but something about your post rang a bell with me and made me remember how I felt when we were together. It might be worth you having a really good think back about how he's behaved/spoken about his past relationships and female friends and whether there's anything that seems deliberate or manipulative.

category12 · 16/12/2018 16:10

Listen to what your gut is telling you.

Feckers2018 · 16/12/2018 16:35

Just no. listen to your gut as its right. He's just saying what you want to hear. You can't be serious surely. Get rid now. You are being wilfully naïve.

Alfiemoon1 · 16/12/2018 16:49

You shouldn’t be feeling like this only 6 months in it’s supposed to be the honeymoon period I would cut my losses and move on

BrendasUmbrella · 16/12/2018 19:56

He has pretty much told you it's your job to fix him and make him better. Until you achieve that goal, if you ever do, he'll keep doing whatever he wants. Do you see a secure future with this man?

BE2BN2BE · 16/12/2018 20:14

If you were checking his phone you don’t trust him. Get out and maybe spend women time mourning your past relationship. You deserve so much better xx

RedPanda2 · 16/12/2018 20:28

If he's saying you're 'not like other girls' that's trashy. Get rid, it's only been 6 months.

Clappyhapper · 17/12/2018 09:13

Move on, he’s not the one for you.

magoria · 17/12/2018 09:18

He told you he would stop doing drugs.

As soon as he gets the chance he is inviting a friend to come around and do the drugs.

Get rid. It is only 6 months I would bet he is going to do drugs whenever he wants to.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/12/2018 12:10

I could not date someone who did drugs like that.
Each to their own but it's not for me.
It's not for you either.
6 months in and you don't trust him.
You feel insecure with him.
He does drugs (pretty hard drugs)
It should not feel like this.
Please get rid.
This won't improve.

ShatnersWig · 17/12/2018 12:11

@Youmatter Ask yourself why he isn’t best friends with the same sex? It's not the Victorian era. Lots of people have best friends of the opposite sex. It's totally irrelevant. I'm a man and my five closest friends would be female. I've not slept with any of them and I've known three of them 20 years.

You either trust someone or you don't.

The issue here is why on earth, if the OP is anti-drugs, she's wasting time dating someone who does drugs? I dislike smoking, so would never date a smoker.

merville · 17/12/2018 13:28

Come and Es? How old is he? Should be grown out of that shit after uni and even then it's not great.

I'd get rid just because of that.