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Original poster

Introducing partner to friends: not going well

31 replies

Pogmella · 16/12/2018 12:42

I've been with my partner for a little over 6 months. My last serious relationship was my marriage which ended 18 months ago following discover of Exhs affair.

My main group of friends are from uni. We (were) 4 couples including exh with nearly 20 years' shared experiences. Due to changed locations etc we tend to only get together once a quarter maybe these days, usually involving us all staying overnight in the same place and spending a couple of days together.

My partner is quite introverted anyway but has met other friends of mine which has gone fine.

He's really self conscious about the role exh had in this friendship group, despite none of them having spoken to him since our marriage broke down (And them being openly critical of his behaviour)

We just had our Christmas get together and it did not go well. Partner arrived v.late was sulky and quiet, made some pretty off colour jokes when he did warm up (nerves obv), did in fairness relax and open up a bit over board games, but then the next day made an excuse and left at 11am (was expected to stay for lunch until about 2).

I think a lot of it is nerves and perhaps I'm subconsciously thinking about how easy and simple it used to be- which obv isn't fair! But how should I handle this? Do I tell him it's upset me and therefore make it an issue (probably make him more shy) or just put the work in and maybe arrange dinners with a couple at a time (not all 6)

Or do I just need to hugely adjust my expectations here. I suppose if anyone has similar experiences I'd love to know how this might pan out.

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 16/12/2018 12:49

What were the off-colour jokes? Obviously it's hard to enter an existing friendship group as a new partner (been there myself) but he is sounding like the twat here. Alarm bells would be ringing for me if you've only been seeing each other 6 months. You don't really know each other yet! Tread carefully and resist the urge to 'manage' the situation - just see it for what it is and don't whitewash his behaviour.

Original poster
Pogmella · 16/12/2018 12:53

The jokes would be a bit involved to explain tbh. Nothing racist/sexist, more that he joked about my exh being the elephant in the room (which is fine- others did too) but when he did it it had this slightly grittier under current.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 16/12/2018 13:07

Well, he was right, wasn't he? About your ex being the elephant in the room. And of course then it would come across as gritty, because he's telling an uncomfortable truth.

Given you and your ex knew your friends for years, and went on lengthy outings together, I'm not surprised your partner felt intimidated. I would. And it appears it was justified.

Musti · 16/12/2018 13:11

He can't help the way he feels and it sounds like he's trying too hard and not come off well. I'm sure he'll relax in time and it will be fine.

crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 13:12

Was this the first time he had met these friends? And was he expected to spend quite a lot of time with them then (that's what it sounds like). I think this is WAY too much for a first meeting. A dinner or drinks for his first meet is enough - let him get used to them gradually. I think you're being a bit unfair.
Personally I wouldn't be comfortable spending loads of time with a group of people I don't know (especially in these circumstances).

Waddsup12 · 16/12/2018 13:15

Very easy to be very lonely in a group who all have a shared history.

I wouldn't have gone.

Original poster
Pogmella · 16/12/2018 13:19

This was the 2nd time- the first time was at a food festival and we all had our kids. That was slightly stilted but much better- more discreet places for him to slip off to and the kids meant everyone was distracted slightly.

Yeah I'm aware I've probably handled this badly. Tbh I was so caught up in looking forward to this weekend and everyone seeing how funny and lovely my new chap is and I just was slightly blind sided by this.

I'm also thinking I've subconsciously assumed that after a few meet ups it will have the same dynamic it did with exh: it won't. He's gonna be 'Pog's partner' not a person with their own links to each person.

Oh dear. He was a bit rude but I think I've asked far too much of him too soon.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/12/2018 13:21

I think you should give him a break too. It's always a bit of a shock to see the other side of someone you thought "perfect" but that person does not exist

thethoughtfox · 16/12/2018 13:23

That is perhaps too long to spend with new people. He did well.

TatianaLarina · 16/12/2018 13:26

I couldn’t be doing with this personally. One expects a certain level of social confidence - at least I do.

Nerves, off colour jokes, rudeness, gaucherie, leaving early - life is too bloody short. If he was 15, ok. But he must be at least 40 - it’s very peculiar.

SummerGems · 16/12/2018 13:31

It’s incredibly difficult to be a new partner coming into an already established group or even couple etc, especially where that partner is essentially “replacing” someone who was there before iyswim.

I have been there, although in my case most of DP’s friends have made it clear that although they will be friends with him they’re not interested in me being part of the deal iyswim so it hasn’t become an issue so much, and dp sees very little of them as a result as well. But it’s easy to see why he would have felt uncomfortable and you were unrealistic in thinking that he would just slot into an already established group.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/12/2018 13:33

I think he was rude. Yes, it’s awkward meeting a big group who all know each other and your ex - but that’s life when you’re adults and everyone’s been in relationships before. He didn’t need to make remarks or jokes about your ex at all, all he managed through that was to draw attention to the situation, and he certainly didn’t need to be sulky - “shyness” is not an excuse for that.

I think you do need to tell him how it made it feel. You can do so kindly whilst acknowledging that it was a difficult dynamic for him to find himself in, but if you simply pretend that nothing happened, it’s jusy going to be the same next time you all meet up.

AnyFucker · 16/12/2018 13:35

It's very unrealistic of ypu to hope that a new partner can easily slot into the place of someone eho eased into it over decades

Sit down with him, apologise for putting him in that position and come up with a plan together moving forward with the emphasis on slowing things down considerably

Tatfreehouse · 16/12/2018 13:43

Why didn't you make more time to meet the individual couples? He obviously felt very uncomfortable.

Original poster
Pogmella · 16/12/2018 13:44

Thanks for all the advice.

For context (which I think is relevant given some of the comments) I do think it's genuine social anxiety.

As part of the weekend we planned a secret santa and a quiz. He insisted on buying/wrapping his secret santa on his own despite me offering him to just handle it as he'd only met everyone once. He also researched/wrote a really funny quiz round, again, I could have done this for us. I think this is also why I was a bit taken aback- in the weeks running up he was seemingly keen and then on the actual night just emotionally bailed out.

He did also make a big effort to show that he was using his secret santa gift (a coffee table type book) and thanked the group/told them a funny anecdote from it.

So he wasn't a total monster by any means.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 16/12/2018 13:45

I really don't know how or why you expect him to just slot into a couples group relationship of 20 years' standing.....

I think your expectations are unfair and unrealistic. You've known each other such a short time - you can't really know him that well yourself - how can you imagine he's just going to slot in seamlessly? You need to develop your own relationship first, maybe your own mutual friends, your own history as a couple - not just expect him to replace your ex in your friendship circle.

Original poster
Pogmella · 16/12/2018 13:45

Tat yup i think thats my plan for next year. Im just bot sure whether to tell him of my concerns or just learn from it and work on it.

OP posts:
AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 13:56

Rather than telling him your concerns, why don't you start by asking what was going on for him and how he found it?

SummerGems · 16/12/2018 13:57

I agree that it’s unreasonable and unrealistic to expect him to slot into a longstanding friendship group.

In fact I would go so far as to say that you need to start looking at developing your own friendships as a couple and that the fact that you have now moved on with another partner means that this particular friendship group has run its course.

I wouldn’t actively end the friendships but I would probably just drift away from the couple’s dynamic as the couples are no longer what they were.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 13:59

"Do I tell him it's upset me and therefore make it an issue (probably make him more shy)"

IMHO no, don't do that.

"or just put the work in and maybe arrange dinners with a couple at a time (not all 6)" If you want to do that, do it, if it sounds like hard work just leave it.

"Or do I just need to hugely adjust my expectations here. I suppose if anyone has similar experiences I'd love to know how this might pan out." Yes, adjust your expectations. I am afraid I don't have a similar experience but am married to a very introvert man and my expectations of him are sometimes unfair, so I am talking to myself as much as you!

Compliment him on the bits that went well, or he will dread the next encounter with your 'tribe'. He would probably have felt very left out and separate and so berating him won't help.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2018 14:05

I wouldn't tell him your concerns at all - he was in a dreadfully difficult situation and I can't say I'm surprised that he was a bit offish, and left early!

I would say to your friends, maybe, that you understand why he might have felt a bit awkward and hope that they would understand too; it's a big thing to step into the group you have.

I hope that this hasn't coloured your view of him - he did well to put himself through it, even if he didn't come out of it with flying colours.

I agree it might be an idea to have the friends over in much smaller contingents (couple at a time, maybe) or in mixed groups with other friends who he gets on well with, so he at least has some degree of comfort and can relax more.

Hope you can get through this.

Notonthestairs · 16/12/2018 14:11

I've been your partner in this situation and it is very hard work however kind and welcoming they are.

Unless he's been really awful I would cut him a bit of slack. Next time you all meet up hopefully you'll have had a it longer together and can talk about it beforehand to iron out any worries/niggles on both sides.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/12/2018 14:11

I think you're expecting way too much from him. He was bound to be uncomfortable with the group at any point to start with, given the length of time and everyone together it would be even more uncomfortable. He tried.

I'm not sure someone you've been seeing for 6 months is a 'partner' though. Do you live together?

TatianaLarina · 16/12/2018 14:22

I don’t think she is expecting him to slot in. She’s just expecting him not to be a dick. It’s only a weekend. Sulky and off colour jokes? Jesus.

It’s very bizarre that he’s ‘self conscious’ about OP’s ex’s role in the friendship group. It’s irrelevant. Why even go there. Certainly don’t bring him up. It smacks of socially awkward overthinking.

I think you need to figure out whether this is who he is and if so can you cope with it.

SummerGems · 16/12/2018 14:38

It’s very bizarre that he’s ‘self conscious’ about OP’s ex’s role in the friendship group. It’s irrelevant. Why even go there. Certainly don’t bring him up. It smacks of socially awkward overthinking. not if the group mentioned the ex it isn’t, which the OP says that they did.

My DP had friends who actively said to him that they were happy to remain friends with him but not with me. One bloke called me by the ex’s name even though the relationship between her and DP ended difficultly.

The reality is that if this friendship group is well established a new partner is never likely to feel that comfortable especially given the group don’t meet that often as he is going to be an outsider given how longstanding it is.